Jokes

Two people walk into a gas station. The first one says, "These prices are awful. They just keep going higher!" The second replies, "It doesn't affect me at all. I always put in just $20 worth."

Our favorite restaurant has a waitress whose name-tag reads "Beautiful". "Is that really your name?" I asked her. "No," she admitted. "But if people are going to holler at me all day, I can at least be called something I like."

Kenny, a city boy, moved to the country and purchased a car from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the car the following day. The next morning, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, son, but I have some bad news. The car broke down." "OK, well, just return my money to me," Kenny said. "Sorry, can't do that," said the farmer. "I already spent it." "OK then, just unload the car," said Kenny. "Whatcha gonna do with it?" asked the farmer. "I'm going to raffle it off," Kenny replied. "You can't raffle off a broken-down car!" the farmer exclaimed. "Of course I can," replied Kenny. "Watch me. I just won't tell anybody it doesn't work." A few weeks later, the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "So, what happened with the car?" "I raffled it off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00," explained Kenny. "Didn't anyone complain?" inquired the farmer. Kenny proudly replied, "Just the guy who won. So, I gave him his two dollars back."

Nothing is impossible... Actually it isn't, I have been doing it for years!

Lord, grant me the strength that I may not fall, Into the clutches of cholesterol. At polyunsaturates I'll never mutter, For the road to Hell is paved with butter. And cake is cursed and cream is awful, And Satan is hiding in every waffle. Beelzebub is a chocolate drop, And Lucifer is a lollipop. Teach me the evils of hollandaise, Of pasta and globs of mayonnaise. And crisp fried chicken from the South, Lord, if you love me, shut my mouth.

A quick way to lose weight is to deduct your birth weight... Hey, you did not gain that part!

My fear of stairs is escalating!

A young woman who was worried about her habit of biting her fingernails down to the quick was advised by a friend to take up yoga to ease her nervousness. She did, and soon her fingernails were growing normally. One day her friend stopped her and -- noticing her well long, groomed nails -- asked her if yoga had totally cured her nervousness. "No," she replied, "but now I can reach my toe-nails so I bite them instead."

Customer: "Excuse me, but are you looking to hire any help at present?" Manager: "No, we already have all the staff we need." Customer: "In that case, would you mind getting someone to wait on me?"

A civil servant is badly hurt, after falling down the stairs at city hall. He is taken to the hospital where he remains in a coma for several days. Finally, an eye opens and his doctor tells him, "My friend, I have bad news and I have good news. First of all, you'll never be able to work again." "Okay," muttered the injured bureaucrat. "What's the bad news?"

A man decides to join the circus. He shows up to demonstrate his skills to the impresario. "I have the most unusual act," he announces. "I'm sure it will amaze you." He climbs up to the high wire and jumps off! He flaps his arms wildly, and finally his fall slows and the man begins to fly. He soars upward, turns, and swoops back again. Finally, he stops in mid air and gently lowers himself to the ground. The impresario says, "Is that all you've got? Bird impressions?"

Saw a lad standing on one leg at an ATM. Confused, I asked him what he was doing? He was just checking his balance.

"I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing... Except at a funeral.

An awning broke away from a building. Maybe now I can call it an offing???

"Suppose," says the old salt of a sea captain, testing his new recruit, "that a sudden storm springs up on your starboard side. What would you do?" "Throw out an anchor, sir," says the new sailor. "And what would you do if another storm sprang up aft?" "Throw out another anchor, sir," the raw recruit replies. "Now," says the captain, "a storm springs up forward of the ship. What would you do this time?" "Throw out another anchor, Captain." "Hold on, hold on. Where are you getting all these anchors from?" "From the same place you're getting your storms, sir," replied the new recruit. He got to keep his job.

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a white bag on the seat next to Sally. "What's in the bag?" asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the bag and, smiling, said, "It's a box of chocolates. I got it for my husband." The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, "Good trade."

Two guys find three grenades and they decide to take them to the police station. One asks, "What if one explodes before we get there?" The other replies, "We'll lie and say we only found two."

While visiting a water show a tourist asked one of the divers, "Why do scuba divers always fall backward off their boats? To which the diver replied, "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."

I can't remember how to write 51, 6, and 500 in Roman numerals. I am LIVID!

In this fast-paced, modern world, it only takes a fraction of the time it used to for a luxury to become a necessity. However, when you find yourself convinced that the world is moving too fast, just find a bank or supermarket line to reassure yourself.

She had a wedding to go to, and needed a wedding gift. "Aha," she thought, "I have that monogrammed silver tray from my wedding that I never use. I'll just take it to a silversmith and have him remove my monogram and put hers on it. Voila, one cheap wedding present." She took it to the silversmith and asked him to remove her monogram and put the new one on. The silversmith examined the tray carefully, shook his head and said, "Lady, this can only be done so many times!"

One day a woman called an auto mechanic to inquire when he could work on her car. "I'm not busy now," he replied, "bring it right in." A short time later the woman pulled into the service bay, stopping her small car perfectly over the wide, deep grease pit. "Wow!" remarked Wayne. "That's great driving. Your wheels only have a couple of inches to spare on each side of the pit." She looked blankly at him and asked, "What pit?"

A woman walked into a library and wondered whether they had any books about paranoia. The librarian replied, “They’re right behind you.”

As the three ladies picked up a menu, each put on a pair of glasses. "I really only need mine for close reading," explained the first. Remarked the second, "I only use mine when the light is bad." The third confessed, "I rarely wear mine - except when I want to see."

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard,” replied the smirking male clerk. "That's fine,” replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, he clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly. The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her, "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.

Finally, our last mortgage payment. To make a ceremony of it, we went to the bank and paid in person. The teller processed everything and handed me the closing papers. Heading for the door, I suddenly remembered a rebate check I'd brought along to cash. I went back to the same teller. "Sorry, we can't do that," she explained. "You don't have an account here anymore."

I buy all my guns from a guy called “T-Rex”... He’s a small arms dealer.

Because of back problems, each night I lie on the floor and do exercises. Once when we stopped at a motel, as I started my exercise, something under the bed caught my eye. It was a card. On it was written, "Yes, we do clean under here, too."

Today is the day for decisive action! Or is it?

A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102. Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old. The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly. The old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out. You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France." The new man asked, "What happened?" "One day Riley reported his credit cards missing."