Jokes

The Manhattan Commuter train was packed. Suddenly there was a jingle on the floor. Most necks were craned. One elderly gentleman, however, bent down and picked something up. He then asked, "Did anyone drop a half dollar?" "I did," answered three men at once. "Well," said the elderly gent with a smile, "here's a dime of it."

I was talking with my best friend the other day, and we talked about a very beautiful girl who was married to a very rich yet very ugly man. "What a pity!" she said. "Why?" I asked. "It's a pity I wasn't the bride," she said with a deep sigh.

Two women were shopping. When they started to discuss their home lives, one said, "Seems like all my boyfriend and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset I've lost 20 pounds in two weeks." "Why don't you just leave him then?" asked her friend. "Not yet," the first replied, "I like to lose at least another 10 to 15 pounds first."

I wish working out was like taxes... You suck it up, do it once... And then you’re good for a year!

I was getting into my car when I noticed a dent. On the windshield was a note and a phone number from the driver. "I feel terrible," the woman apologized when I called. "I hit your car as I was pulling into the next parking spot." "Please, don't worry," I said to her. "I'm sure our insurance companies will take care of everything." "Thank you for your understanding," she said. "You're so much nicer than the man I hit on the way out."

It was the usual day at our bank. A woman came up to customer service and demanded, “What do I have to do to change the address on my account?” Without looking up, I replied, “Move.”

The finalist has been named in the worldwide search for the perfect man. After careful consideration and endless debate, The Perfect Man has been named: MR. POTATO HEAD! - He’s tan. - He’s cute. - He knows the importance of accessorizing. - And if he looks at another girl, you can rearrange his face.

I'm beginning to think my five year old grandson is a genius... I can't tell his paintings from that of Picasso!

Jake is struggling with two huge suitcases when a stranger asks, “Got the time?” Jake glances at his wrist. “A quarter to six.” “Nice watch,” the stranger says. “Thanks,” Jake says. “I built it. It can speak the time aloud for any city, in any language. Plus it’s got GPS and an MP3 player.” “Wow!” the man says. “How much?” “This is my prototype. It’s not for sale. “I’ll give you $1,000.” “Can’t,” Jake says. “It’s not ready.” “$5,000!” “Well Okay, but...” The man slaps a wad of cash into Jake’s hand, grabs the watch, and starts to walk away. “Wait,” Jake yells, running toward him with the suitcases. “Don’t forget your batteries!”

Pierre, a meek Parisian sculptor never created anything larger than a man's fist, so the art world was surprised when he unveiled an entire elephant in marble. "But Pierre," said one of his many fans, "how could you sculpt such a perfect likeness without a model?" "There was nothing to it," explained Pierre. "I simply chipped off everything that didn't look like an elephant."

Several definitions you will only find in my dictionary: Acoustic - what you use when you shoot pool Alimony - the fee a woman charges when she loses your name Banjo - don't invite Joseph Caddy - lad who stands behind a golfer and doesn't see the ball either Carbuncle - auto collision

Why did you stop going to the gym? I stopped going because I get enough of a workout exercising bad judgment.

Why does a room full of married people look so empty? Because there's not a single person in it.

What did the alien say to the garden? Take me to your WEEDER!

Al: Will you remember me in one year? Tim: Of course. Al: Will you remember me in six months? Tim: Of course. Al: Will you remember me in one month? Tim: Of course. Al: Will you remember me in two weeks? Tim: Of course. Al: Will you remember me in one week? Tim: Of course. Al: Will you remember me in one day? Tim: Of course. Al: Will you remember me in twelve hours? Tim: Of course. Al: Will you remember me in one hour? Tim: Of course. Al: Will you remember me in one second? Tim: Of course. Al: Knock! Knock! Tim: Who’s there? Al: See, you forgot me already!

I once went to Barnes & Noble. I asked the lady working there, “Where is the self-help section?” She said, “That would defeat the purpose.”

After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date, Sarah decided she had been stood up. Exasperated, she changed from her dinner dress into pajamas and slippers, fixed some popcorn and hot chocolate, and resigned herself to an evening of TV. No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV when the doorbell rang. Her dad went to the door, and there stood her date. He took one look at Sarah on the couch and gasped. "I'm two hours late and she's still not ready?"

Why was the artist the only one that could see her painting? Because it was a pigment of her imagination.

Dear Monday, Just saying, your friends Saturday and Sunday are just more fun. Nothing personal.

A man was scheduled to go before a firing squad for his crimes. The evening before his execution, he was asked what he wanted for his last meal. He refused the meal completely. The next morning the man was brought before the firing squad. When asked for his last request, the man said he had none. The General in charge of his execution asked him, ''Sir, you refused your last meal and your last request. Isn't there anything you want before you die?'' The man thought for a moment, then said, ''Music has always been an important part of my life. If I could do but one thing before I die, would you allow me to sing my favorite song from beginning to end, without interruption?'' The General thought this was a reasonable request, and ordered his men to lower their weapons and to not interrupt for the duration of the song. The man clears his throat and begins singing, ''Ten million bottles of beer on the wall...''

A man was waiting for a bus. When the bus arrived he asked the driver, "How much for the bus?" The the driver replied, "It's one dollar." The man said, "Get everyone out of the bus, I'll take it!"

A man recently volunteered to perform a parachute jump for charity. The first day of training, the instructor made an important point about preparing for landing at 300 feet. "How do you know when you're at 300 feet?" asked one new jumper. "A good question," replied the instructor. "At 300 feet you can recognize the faces of people on the ground." The jumper thought about this for a while before saying, "What happens if there's no one there I know?"

If someday we all go to prison for downloading music... I hope they split us by music genre.

The journey of a thousand miles... Begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either... Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

A little town had a high birth rate that had attracted the attention of the sociologists at the state university. They decided to run a study, hired a few additional sociologists and other specialists, moved to town, rented offices and began designing their questionnaires and such. While the staff was busy getting ready for their big research effort, the project director decided to go to the local diner. He sat down at the counter, ordered his coffee, and told the waitress what his purpose was in town. He then asked her if she had any idea why the birth rate was so high. "Sure," said the waitress. "Every morning the six o'clock train comes through here and sounds its horn. It wakes everybody up, and, well, it's too late to go back to sleep, and it's too early to get up."

What is the biggest lie in the entire universe? "I have read and agree to the Terms & Conditions."

"This hotel stinks!" a guest complained when he showed up at the front desk to check out. "What's wrong?" I asked. "I got no sleep. Every 15 minutes this loud banging sound woke me up!" I apologized for the noise and checked him out. A few minutes later, a couple showed up. Again, I made the mistake of asking how their stay was. "Terrible!" they said. "The guy in the next room was snoring so loudly that we had to bang on the wall every 15 minutes to wake him up!"

Wayne was returning home from a business trip, bags in hand, and slowly making his way to his vehicle in the crowded airport garage. Suddenly a large dark car screeched to a stop in front of Wayne, and the driver pointed menacingly at him. "Get in," the driver ordered. "I'll take you to your car." Startled, Wayne took a step backward. "Ah...no thanks," he answered. "I can get there myself." "No!" the man barked back as he threw open his passenger side door. "Get in!" Wayne's eyes now darted around the garage, hoping to find a security guard. Just then, the driver's face softened. "Please," he said, "I've been driving up and down for two hours. I can't find a space to park, and I want yours."

Two men are out fishing and they are having great luck. They are catching so fast, they have to go back early. "This is so great," says the first guy. "We should mark the spot so we can come here again." "You're right," replies the other guy who then dives over the side and paints a big X on the bottom of the boat. They head back to shore and just as they're about to dock, the first guy looks at the second and asks, "But what if we don't get the same boat next time?"