Jokes

A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men. The ship steamed out of the channel and soon the port was far behind.  The ensign's efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was abuzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way. The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain.  He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read, "My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules -- Make Sure The Captain Is Aboard Before Getting Under Way." 

Q: How many military information officers does it take to change a light bulb?  A: At the present point in time it is against policy and the best interests of military strategy to divulge information of such a statistical nature. Next question, please.

An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.  The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!" So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank! The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?"  "Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!" 

Said the officer to the soldier, "Private, why did you salute that refrigerator?" The soldier replied, "Because it was General Electric." "And that jeep?" the officer asked. Replied the soldier, "Because it was General Motors."

The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram. Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me." So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander." Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?" "Yes, sir," answered the Sarge. A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram. Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful." So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up. Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward -- NOT SO FAST, McGRATH!"

Two men go to the sea for the first time. At high tide, they each fill a bottle full of water as a souvenir. They return later that day when the sea is at low tide. One of the men, amazed, looks at his friend, and says, "I guess we weren’t the only ones taking some water!"

My horoscope said I was going to get my heart broken in 12 years time... So I bought a puppy to cheer me up.

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell that by mistake happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet. "Hello?" she cried, but no answer. "Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer. Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and again she yelled, "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE!!?" Then she heard a voice from far, far away... "Hello! We're down here..."

2014: Didn't jog. 2015: Didn't jog. 2016: Didn't jog. 2017: Didn’t jog. 2018: Didn’t jog. 2019: Didn’t jog. 2020: Still haven’t jogged. This is a running joke.

It always irked my mother that her grocery store didn’t carry eggs in packages of six—just by the dozen. Then one day, her wish came true. She walked into the grocery and found fresh eggs in cartons of six! She was so excited, she bought two!

Two years ago a man and woman had just won the lottery. He was at work when the lottery office phoned their home to inform them of the win. His wife was very worried because the man had just recovered from a heart attack and she wondered what would happen if he found out about it too abruptly. So, she called the pastor and asked if he could talk to the man and slowly lead into telling him the news. He agreed and said he would be there as soon as possible. When the man got home the pastor asked if they could go for a walk. While they were walking the pastor began by asking, "What would you do if you won the lottery?" The man replied, "Why, I'd give it all to the church." The pastor dropped dead on the spot.

Ralph was towing his boat home from a fishing trip in Jamaica Bay when his car broke down. He didn't have his cell phone with him, but he thought maybe he might be able to raise someone on his marine radio to call for roadside assistance. He climbed into his boat, clicked on the radio and said, "Mayday, mayday." A Coast Guard officer came on and said, "State your location." "I-95, two miles south of Cranston." After a very long pause, the officer asked, "How fast were you going when you reached shore?"

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free... You either married it or gave birth to it.

Ask not what staying home on the couch can do for you... But what staying home on the couch can do for your country!

My son asked me if a punch bowl is a place where you keep names of people you want to punch... I usually keep them in my head but, keeping them in a fancy crystal bowl seems classy.

It's a sign of the time.... it's like being 16 again... Gas is cheap and I'm grounded again!

Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have? I planted myself on the sofa at the start of April and I’ve grown bigger ever since.

My neighbor just got arrested for growing marijuana. I guess my property line isn’t where I thought it was.

In the far distant future, in the year 4527, a number of scientists from all over the universe were having a convention on a far distant galaxy. Two beings were seated next to one another when they struck up a conversation. "Where are you from?" the one asked. "I'm from Alpha Century," he answered. "Where are you from?" "I'm from Earth," was the answer. "I know someone from earth," the Alpha Centurion said. "His name is John Smith. Do you know him?"

A man giving a long-winded speech finally says, "I'm sorry I talked so long. I left my watch at home." A voice from the crowd says, "There's a calendar behind you."

At a girl's college dormitory, dates were permitted only on Saturday night. One young man showed up on a Tuesday evening, explaining to an older woman in the lobby of the dorm that it was imperative he see a certain young lady immediately. "I want to surprise her. You see, I'm her brother." "Oh, she'll be surprised all right," said the woman. "But think of how surprised I am, I'm her mother!"

The train was about to pull out of the station. A young man ran towards it and managed to throw his bag in and climb aboard just in time. A fellow passenger looked at him and said, "Young man, you should be in better shape! At your age, I could catch the train by a gnat's whisker and still be fresh. Look at you, panting away." The young man took a deep breath and said, "I missed this train at the last station."

What’s the matter with your wife, she looks upset?” “She got a terrible shock.” “What was it?” “She was assisting at a rummage sale at the church. She took off her new $20 hat and somebody sold it for 50 cents.”

Jill: I can stay underwater for ten minutes! Jack: That’s impossible! Jill: (takes a glass of water and holds it over her head for ten minutes.) See, I told you!

“Everyone in the bus,” the bus driver shouted so he could close the live bus door and pull away from the curb. “No,” a female voice called. “I’m not inside yet. Wait until I get my clothes on!” Everyone in the bus turned to catch a glimpse of the woman. She finally managed to get on the bus—with a large basket of laundry.

A fellow nurse at my hospital received a call from an anxious patient. "I'm diabetic and I'm afraid I've had too much sugar today," the caller said. "Are you light-headed?" my colleague asked. "No," the caller answered, "I'm a brunette."

What do you call a wizard who walks everywhere on bare feet, has poor bone density and really bad breath? A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

The other day I got carded at the liquor store. While I was taking out my ID, my old Blockbuster card fell out. The clerk shook his head and said, “Never mind,” and rang me up.

Harold: Jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge is not dangerous. Morris: How can you say that? Harold: It’s s fact. Jumping off is not dangerous—it’s the sudden stop at the end that is.

As the coals from our barbecue burned down, our hosts passed out marshmallows and long roasting forks. Just then, two fire trucks roared by, sirens blaring, lights flashing. They stopped at a house right down the block. All twelve of us raced out of the back yard, down the street, where we found the owners of the blazing house standing by helplessly. They glared at us with looks of disgust. Suddenly, we realized why... we were all still holding our roasting forks with marshmallows on them.