Jokes

As a Flight Surgeon stationed at Corpus Christi, Tx, I perform flight physicals. A Petty Officer needed his to continue as the corpsman aboard the base Search and Rescue helicopter. Following the obligatory cough during his hernia check, I asked him, “Have you had any pain or swelling in your testicles?” There was no answer so I looked at him with a, “Well?” look on my face. After a few moments pondering his answer, he reluctantly began to move his hips gently from side to side. I said, “Stop, what are you doing!” He said, “You asked me to sway my testicles.” After a hearing check, he passed his Navy Flight Physical and we had a great laugh about that for years to follow. Call sign, “Hula Man!”

A young Naval Officer was in a terrible car accident, but due to the heroics of the hospital staff the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear. Since he wasn’t physically impaired he remained in the military and eventually became an Admiral. However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance. One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Gunnery Sergeant for his personal staff. The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, “Do you notice anything different about me?” The Master Chief answered, “Why yes. I couldn’t help but notice you are missing your starboard ear, so I don’t know whether this impacts your hearing on that side.” The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office. The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, “Well yes, you seem to be short one ear.” The Admiral threw him out also. The third interview was with the Marine Gunnery Sergeant . He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question. “Do you notice anything different about me?” To his surprise the Gunnery Sergeant said, “Yes. You wear contact lenses.” The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine. “And how do you know that?” the Admiral asked. The Gunny replied, “Well sir, it’s pretty hard to wear glasses with only one ear.”

A young Navy officer was in a terrible car accident, but due to the heroics of the hospital staff the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear. Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the military and eventually became an Admiral. However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance. One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Sergeant Major for his personal staff. The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" The Master Chief answered, "Why yes. I couldn't help but notice you are missing your starboard ear, so I don't know whether this impacts your hearing on that side." The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office. The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, "Well yes, you seem to be short one ear." The Admiral threw him out also. The third interview was with the Marine Sergeant Major. He was articulate, extremely sharp, a combat veteran and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question. "Do you notice anything different about me?" To his surprise the Sergeant Major said, "Yes, you wear contact lenses." The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine. "And how do you know that?" the Admiral asked. The Sergeant Major replied, "Well sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one ear."

Alex had a terrible day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the fishmonger and ordered four rainbow trout. He told the fishmonger, "Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?" "Why do you want me to throw them at you?'" Asked the salesman. "So that I am able to tell my wife, in all honesty, that I caught them." said Alex. "Okay, but I suggest that you take the salmon." "Why's that?" "Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take salmon. That's what she'd like for supper tonight." replied the fishmonger with a grin.

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where." "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you." "No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time" said the Marine. "How'd you manage that?" asked the manager. "He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine" explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

A private just out of training is assigned to guard the main gate. He is ordered to allow no one through unless they have the password. A vehicle with a 3-star general inside rolls up. The private stops the vehicle and asks the driver for the password. The driver doesn't know the password. The private, after saluting the general, asks him the for the password. The general doesn't know it either. The private says, “I can’t let you through without the password.” The general replies, “Son I'm the commander of this base and a 3-star general!” The private says, “Sir, I still can’t let you pass." The general tells the driver to drive on through. The private then says to the general, “Sir I'm real new to this. Do I shoot you or the driver?”

Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?Soldier: Sure, buddy.Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again.Do you have change for a dollar?Soldier: No, SIR!

A large group of ISIS fighters in Iraq are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune: "One Marine is better than ten ISIS fighters." The ISIS commander quickly orders 10 of best men over the dune where a gun battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence. The voice once again calls out: "One Marine is better than one hundred ISIS fighters. Furious, the ISIS commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence. The voice calls out again: "One Marine is better than a thousand ISIS fighters." The enraged ISIS commander musters 1,000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the dune. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible fight is fought ... then silence. Eventually, one badly wounded ISIS fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men ... it's a trap. There's two of them."

The sergeant-major growled at the young soldier, “I didn’t see you at camouflage training this morning.” “Thank you very much, sir.”

What are the 3 most dangerous sayings in the Navy??? 1. An Ensign saying "I learned this at the Academy" 2. A Lieutenant saying "Based on my experience" 3. A Navy Chief saying "Hey, watch this"

Sergeant (to new recruit): What were you before you joined the army? New Recruit: Happy, Sergeant.

How do you clear an Iraqi Bingo parlor? Yell “B52”

Officer at the shooting range: Get ready, aim, fire at will. Soldier: Which one is Will?

Sergeant: Private, I think the enemy soldiers are hiding in the wood. I want you to go in there and flush them out for us. Private: Okay, sir, but if you see a bunch of guys running out the woods, don’t shoot the one in front.

There was an inn keeper who urgently needed to expand his parking lot due to his business's growing needs.  However, the lot next to his, which he had purchased, was covered with tree saplings and the city had an ordinance against bulldozing trees.  The inn keeper was a powerful man on the city council and was friends with all of its members.  He brought up an amendment to the council to allow him to bulldoze the saplings so he could pave it for his new lot.  Was he successful? No, the   "infant tree's"   always beat the   "Inn's urgency".

During basic army training, a sergeant was telling his group how a submachine gun sprayed bullets. He drew a circle on a blackboard and announced that it had 260 degree. “But, sergeant, all circles have 360 degrees,” called out a conscript. “Don’t be stupid,” the sergeant roared. “This is a small circle.”

During a simulated attack, the troops have to defend themselves against an imaginary enemy, as the sergeant calls it. Bawling out orders, he notices that one recruit shows little response. “You there,” the sergeant shouts, “the imaginary enemy is advancing, and your are caught in the crossfire. Action!” The recruit takes two steps to one side. “What are you doing, man?” Yells the sergeant, purple with fury. “I’m taking shelter behind an imaginary tree, Sergeant,” answers the recruit calmly.

A famous scientist developed a formula to bring statues to life. He went to a local park to try it out on a statue of Gen. Ulysses Grant. After application, Gen Grant began to move and soon was completely alive. The scientist asked, "What's the first thing you'll do, General?" The general answered while drawing his pistol "I'm going to kill about a million damn pigeons!"

After a hard day of drilling, the drill sergeant let the troops go. "All right, you idiots, report to the mess hall." Everybody walked away, sweating and their heads down, thankful for the end of the hard day. Only one private remained. He looked at the officer and sincerely said, "Boy, there sure were a lot of them, huh, serge."

The new army recruit was serving his first guard duty. He did his best for a while but about 5 a.m. she went to sleep. When he opened his eyes he found the day officer standing before him. Remembering the stiff penalty for being asleep on guard duty, this clever young man kept his head bowed for another moment, then looked upward and reverently said, “A-a-a-men!”

US Ship: - (at night)"Move out of my way" Canadian ship: -"No. We cant" US ship: - "Ours is an important big ship with attacking equipments" Canadian ship: -"We are a light house on a small island. We cannot move"

The Army has been experimenting for years to come up with a liquid that will eat through anything and they finally did it. It eats through glass, stainless steel, iron,and all kinds of metal, rock and granite. Now if they could only find something to put it in.

A Navy Officer was trying to make a phone call, but had no change, three Marines were approaching and the Officer asked one of them, "excuse me private do you have change for a dollar?" the private replied, "yes I do", the Navy officer said, "don't you mean no sir, now let's try this again" so the Navy Officer, asked again " private do you have change for a dollar?” The private replied, "no sir"

Returning to West Point late one night, Colonel Schultz and his wife were challenged by the sentry at the gate. “Halt and identify yourself!” “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!” declared the startled woman. The sentry stepped aside. “Advance, Holy Family, to be recognized.”

During an army basic training, the lieutenant took the batch on a match and asked each of them where home was. After everyone had answered, he sneered and said "you are all wrong, the army is now your home". Back at the barracks, he read the evening duties, then asked the first sergeant if he had anything to say "you bet I do" the sergeant replied, "men, while you were gone today, I found beds improperly made, clothes not hanging correctly, shoes not shined and footlockers a mess. Where do you think you are? Home?

The drill sergeant making his morning announcements to a group of newcomers in a training camp, stated: "Today, gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. First, the good news Private Peters will be setting the pace on our morning run.” With this the platoon was overjoyed, as Private Peters was overweight and terribly slow. But then the drill sergeant finished his statement: "Now for the bad news. Private Peters will be driving a truck."

During training exercises, the Lieutenant was driving down a muddy back road when he encountered another car stuck in the mud, with a red-faced Colonel at the wheel. "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the Lieutenant as he pulled alongside. "Nope," replied the Colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is!"

"Well," snarled the tough old sergeant to the bewildered private. "I suppose after you get discharged from the Army, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and spit on my grave." "Not me, Serge!" the private replied. "Once I get out of the Army, I'm never going to stand in line again!"

A Taliban was sitting in a cave when he hears over a dune the voice of one American solider: "One American solider is better then 10 Taliban fighters" so the Taliban angry sent over ten of his high-ranking soldiers. After a lot of gun fire and yelling and screams of agony the Taliban heard the voice again. "One American solider is better then 100 Taliban fighters" So the Taliban sends over 100 of his highest ranked soldiers sure of victory. After a lot of gun fire and yelling and screams of agony the Taliban heard the voice again. "One American solider is better then 1000 Taliban fighters" So the Taliban sent his toughest, meanest, personal guards over the dune. After hundreds of bullets fired, and explosions and the screaming and crying, it was over. The Taliban now wondering what happened goes over the dune where he finds a wounded Taliban solider who says "don't send anymore men it's really a trap there is really two of them!"

One reason the Military Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language. For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors. The Army would occupy the building so no one could enter. Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat. The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.