Jokes

A soldier serving overseas far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote to break off their engagement and ask for her photograph back. He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together, and sent them back with a note saying, “I regret that I cannot remember which one you are. Please keep your photo and return the others.”

A Sergeant was addressing a squad of 25 and said, "I have a nice easy job for the laziest man here. Put up your hand if you are the laziest." 24 men raised their hands, and the sergeant asked the other man, "Why didn't you raise your hand?" The man replied, "Too much trouble raising the hand, Sarge."

The average age of people living in our military retirement community is 85. Recently, a neighbor turned 100, and a big birthday party was thrown. Even his son turned up. “How old are you?” a tenant asked. “I’m 81 years old,” the son answered. The tenant shook her head. “They sure grow up fast, don’t they?”

A career Army officer I once met was jumpmaster for his unit and was taking up a few novices for a drop. The flight was pretty rough, and after a while, the jumpmaster called off the jump because of high winds. As the plane headed back to base, and the pilot pulled off an unusually smooth landing, two of the neophytes got airsick. "How come you could take that rough flight, but you couldn't handle the smooth landing?" asked the jumpmaster. "Well, sir," one trainee explained, "We've always jumped out of planes. We've never actually landed before."

Two sailors got off their battleship after seven months at sea. As soon as they walked on solid ground they saw a lady walking away from them about fifty yards ahead. Her long blonde hair caused one sailor to muster the courage to say "hello". As she turned around they could see she was at least eight months pregnant! The wide-eyed sailor quickly apologized, "Sorry Ma'am, we thought you were alone."

As we stood in formation at the Pensacola Naval Air Station, our Flight Instructor said, "All right! All you dummies fall out." As the rest of the squad wandered away, I remained at attention. The Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with me, and then just raised a single eyebrow. I smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh sir?"

While being transported to basic training, a new enlistee of the Air National Guard accidentally opened a parachute in the rear of the C-47. The plane was piloted by a major and a captain, and the new enlistee felt intimidated as he opened the cockpit door to confess what he had done. Expecting to be severely chastised, he was surprised by the captain's calm response. "Well, son," he said, "if this plane goes down, that chute is yours."

Two young soldiers were exchanging their experiences of the service in the Army. "My sergeants are wonderful", said one soldier. "I wish I could say the same about mine," said the other. "You could if you could lie as I do."

They were dancing at the service club. He held her tight, his eyes were closed, and they danced as though floating on a cloud. Then the music stopped. "Let's go out on the porch," he said. Outside, he took her in her arms and whispered in her shell-like ear, "Darling, I love you so. Say that you love me, too. I may not be rich like Sergeant Brown. I may not have a car like Sergeant Brown or spend money like he does, but I love you so much I'd do anything in the world for you." Two soft, white arms reached around his neck, and two ruby lips whispered in his ear, "Darling, introduce me to Sergeant Brown."

One of my husband's duties as a novice drill instructor at Fort Jackson, S.C., was to escort new recruits to the mess hall. After everyone had made it through the chow line, he sat them down and told them, "There are three rules in this mess hall: Shut up! Eat up! Get up!" Checking to see that he had everyone's attention, he asked, "What is the first rule?" Much to the amusement of the other instructors, 60 privates yelled in unison, "Shut up, Drill Sergeant, Sir!"

Want to stop someone right in their tracks? When you're talking with them and they start a sentence with "Generally speaking", interrupt them immediately and say, "Glad to meet you General, Sir. Ulysses S. Grant speaking!"

My wife never quite got the hang of the 24-hour military clock. One day she called the base orderly room to speak with me. The person who answered told her to call me at the extension in the band rehearsal hall. "He can be reached at 4700, Ma'am," the soldier advised. With a sigh of exasperation, my wife responded, "And just what time is that?"

A young soldier was up before his commanding officer for a reprimand. After going through a list of his misdemeanors the CO says, "And another thing, I didn't see you in camouflage practice this morning." "Thank you, Sir," the soldier replied.

(Grandpa) Kids these days don't know history or politics. (Grandson) I do grandpa, I know history and politics. (Grandpa) OK then, who is Mitt Romney? (Grandson) He was a tank commander in WWII, right?

On the base a Private First Class (PFC) was working in the car repair shop. The phone rang. He answered. The man on the phone asked, "When will my car be fixed?" The PFC replied, "Can't talk now I am working on some annoying General's car." The man asked, "Do you know who this is?" "No." "This is the ANNOYING GENERAL!" The PFC quickly asked, "Well, do you know who this is?" "No." "Good, goodbye!"

(Grandchild) Were you in the war Grandpa? (Grandpa) Yes, I was a fighter pilot! (Child's mother) "Weren’t you stationed in Colorado dad?” (Grandpa) Yes, and I’ll have you know that not one enemy aircraft got past Nevada!

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to airman's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, “If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000.” “Now,” he concluded, “which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?”

A Marine private was filling out a questionnaire for a correspondence course. He got to this question: "How long has your present employer been in business?" He thought for a moment, then wrote: "Since 1775."

During war games between two Army bases, a Sergeant had enough of a Private that didn't seem to know which end of his rifle to point at the enemy. Instead the Sergeant gave the bumbling soldier a broom handle. "Point this at your target and yell 'Bang! Bang!' since you're too dumb to use the real thing!" yelled the Sergeant. So during the game "capture the flag", the dumb Private ran across the battlefield yelling "Bang! Bang!" Sure enough, the enemy soldiers fell when he aimed at them. "This is GREAT!!" and the Private started yelling over and over "BANG! BANG!". Soon he came across a rather huge, tall, and fairly muscular enemy soldier heading right for him. "BANG! BANG!" he yelled. Nothing happened. "BANG! BANG BANG!" Still the enemy soldier approached and was picking up speed. The Private yelled over and over "BANG! BANG!" until the enemy soldier hit him, knocking the Private off his feet onto the ground and walked over him.... And was yelling "TANK! TANK! TANK!"

Did you hear about the idiotic karate champion who joined the army? The first time he saluted, he knocked himself out.

I told my friend I wanted to join the military. My friend told me that the coast guard wouldn’t take me because I’m not six feet tall. "Why does a person need to be six feet tall?" I asked. He said, "That way if your boat goes down you can wade to shore."

How do two Navy Admirals greet each other? A NAVAL Salute.

The chief of staff of the Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in a recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. So he directed that a nearby Air Force base be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited. As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them.The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself. He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?" The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!" The general turns to his aide and says, "Sign him up -- all the paper work done, everything, do it today!" The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asked, "What skills can you bring to the Air Force?" The young man says, "I chop wood!" "Son," the general replies, "We don't need wood choppers in the Air Force. What else do you know how to do?" "I chop wood!" the young man repeats. The general huffs, "You are not listening to me. We don't need wood choppers; this is the 21st century!" "Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother." "Of course we did," says the general, "But he's a pilot!" The young man rolls his eyes and says, "I have to CHOP it before he can pile it!"

The young boy was spending a Sunday afternoon with his grandpa. Looking at pictures of his grandpa in his military uniform, the boy asked, "Grandpa, did you ever kill anyone in the war?" "No champ, I never did." "That's a good thing." "You're telling me," began grandpa, "I was the cook!"

When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That's when I finally understood why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.

A young man joined the military. Soon after he got to boot camp he realized he’d made a big mistake. It must have taken a toll on him because soon enough the stress of boot camp had pushed the young man over the edge. The recruit started riding a pretend motor scooter making motor sounds and beeping a pretend horn. The military decided to discharge the young man due to his instability. As the young man was leaving the base for the last time he rode his pretend motor scooter. When he got to the front gate he stopped and put down the pretend kick stand. He turned off the pretend key and started to walk away. The guard said, "Hey, what about your motor scooter?" The young man replied, "I only needed it to get me out of here, it’s all yours."

The flight attendant on the trip was handing out plastic pilot wings to some kids. As the young man stepped forward, she playfully offered some to him. He passed, pointing to the Airborne wings on his Army uniform. He explained, “The last time someone gave me wings, I had to jump out of the airplane.”

When I was a newly commissioned Lieutenant in the Army, I was assigned as a temporary assistant in an administrative office in a Military Intelligence unit. One day a long compliance form came around with a cover sheet instructing all assigned officers to read it and initial it as indication of their compliance. So I read and initialed it. A few days later, it came back addressed specifically to me. An attached note read, "You are not permanently assigned to this unit. Thus, you are not an authorized signer and you should not be initialing this form. Now please erase your initials and then initial your erasure."

A sergeant gives a private a hard time. He says, "Private, I bet you are just waiting for me to die so you can come and urinate on my grave!" The private replied, "No sir, when I get out of the army I am not going to stand in more long, long lines!"

What's the difference between the Army and the Boy Scouts? The Boy Scouts don't have heavy artillery!