Jokes

Fire swept the plains and burned down the farmer’s barn. While he surveyed the wreckage, his wife called their insurance company and asked them to send a check for $75,000, the amount of insurance on the barn. “We don’t give you the money,” a company official explained. “We replace the barn and all the equipment in it.” “In that case,” replied the wife, “cancel the policy I have on my husband.”

A wife concern with her husband’s driving said; “Dear, aren’t you driving a little too fast? Her husband replied; don’t you believe in a guardian angel? He will take care of us. His wife said: Yes, I do. But I am afraid we left him miles back!

A couple making plans for their vacation. Wife: I am afraid the mountain air would disagree with me. Husband: My Love, it wouldn’t dare!

Marriage is like a railroad sign… First you stop, then you look, and then you listen.

Wife: I dreamed you gave me $500 for summer clothes last night. You would not spoil that dream, would you, Dear? Husband: Of course not, Darling. You may keep the $500.00

If love is blind, and marriage is an institution, is marriage an institution for the blind?

“Now that looks like a happily married couple,” remarked the husband. “Don’t be too sure, dear," began the wife. "They're probably saying the same thing about us.”

Husband: Don’t put that money in your mouth. There are germs on it. Wife: Don’t be silly. Even a germ can’t live on the money you make.

“Now, that looks like a happily married couple.” Remarks the husband. “Don’t be too sure, my Dear. They are probable saying the same thing about us.” Replied his wife.

Harry and Esther are out shopping one morning when Esther says, "Darling, it's my mother's birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her? She said she would like something electric." Harry replies, "How about a chair?"

A newlywed is trying to console his little bride, who sprawled, dissolved in tears on the couch. “Darling’” he implored, “Believe me. I never said you were a terrible cook. I merely pointed out that our garbage disposal has developed an ulcer.”

The frugal man walked into the house panting and almost completely exhausted. “What happened, Honey?” asked his wife. “It’s a great new idea I have,” he gasped. “I ran all the way home behind the bus and saved $1.50 cents.” “That wasn’t too smart,” replied his wife. “Why didn’t you run behind a taxi and save ten dollars?”

A newly wed couple had just had an argument coming home from the reception. Driving along in silence they pass a farm with all kinds of animals on it. Breaking the silence, the husband asks: "Relatives?" and without missing a beat the wife replies: "Yes, in-laws."

Husband: Why can’t you make bread like my mother? Wife: I would if you could make dough like your father!

Three men were sitting on a bench in heaven discussing how they died. The first man said "I died of cancer." The second man said, "I died of tuberculosis". The third man said "I died of seenus". The first two men said, "No, you mean sinus." The third man said "No, I mean seenus. I was out with my best friend's wife and he seen us!"

Two men, both married, were discussing their lives. Suddenly one says," You know, I think I would like to die before my wife" " Now why is that"? Asked the other. " Because if she's there when I arrive, she'll be telling a lot of things about me. And I want to clear my account before that"!

On their first evening in their new home the bride went in to the kitchen to fix drinks. Five minutes later she came back into the living room in tears. “What’s the matter, my angel?” asked her husband anxiously. “Oh, Steven! She sobbed, “I put the ice cubes in hot water to wash them and now they’ve disappeared!”

Mr. and Mrs. Smith were celebrating their silver anniversary with a big party, at which the center of attraction was a huge cake. “This cake was made by my wife’s fair hands,” said Mr. Smith proudly. “Every year on our anniversary she makes a cake, and I like to think of them as milestones on our journey through life ….”

Husband is reading the news paper.... wife comes in and says "honey I love you so much" and then she says “honey I wish I would be a newspaper so that you always hold me in your arms " Husband replied, "I also wish that so that I can change you every day like that newspaper"

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

A posted in a couples home ...."I am the boss of the house...I have my wife's permission to say so!!!"

(This joke should be understood in the spirit that X'tian marriages in our part of the world are almost always arranged, divorces are rare & socially stigmatic. So spouses are tolerant) On the day I got married, my uncle gave me his piece of personal wisdom. He said: In the first year, the wife is obedient. She listens to whatever you say. So enjoy yourself. In the second year, the role changes & the husband listens to his wife. So it's her time to enjoy. In the third & succeeding years, there are no more such roles. So the neighbors listen to what you shout at each other. And they enjoy.

Before the weeding day the groom told the bride: "I want you to be the major of the household to be making the major decisions & I'll just make the general ones" The The bride, having heard that, happily kissed her husband-to-be" Overheard their conversation, the groom's friend, pulled him aside & asked: "Are you crazy? How could she be making all the major decisions in the household!" The Groom, smiling cautiously whispered to him. “She’s the Major but I'm the General. Get it?"

Tired of having to balance his wife Lucy’s checkbook, Bob made a deal with her; he would only look at it after she had spent a few hours trying to wrestle it into shape. Only then would he lend his expertise. The following night, after spending hours poring over stubs and figures, the woman said proudly, “There! I’ve done it! I made it balance!” Impressed, Bob came over to take a look. “Let’s see … mortgage 550.00…electricity 70.50…phone 35.00.” His brow wrinkled as he read the last entry. “It says here ESP, 615.00. What the heck is that?” “Oh,” she said, “That means, Error Some Place.”

A couple attended marriage counseling to resolve communication problems. The fighting and bickering during the session was so bad the counselor called for a timeout and told them he was ending the session early but had an assignment for the husband. “John,” the marriage counselor said, “you’re an athletic guy… here’s what I want you to do. I want you to jog 10 miles everyday for the next 30 days. At the end of the 30 days call me and let me know how things are going.” John agreed. At the end of the 30 days, John called the marriage counselor very excited. “I did just as you said and I have never felt better in my life!” he exclaimed over the phone. “Great!” replied the counselor, “ And how’s your wife?” John paused and then replied with agitated dismay, “How should I know, I’m 300 miles from home!”

A widower who never paid any attention to his wife while she was alive now found himself missing her desperately. He went to a psychic to see if he could contact his late wife. The psychic went into a trance. A strange breeze wafted through the darkened room, and suddenly, the man heard the unmistakable voice of his dearly departed wife. "Honey!" he cried. "Is that you?" "Yes, my husband." "Are you happy?" "Yes, my husband." "Happier than you were with me?" "Yes, my husband." "Then Heaven must be an amazing place!" "I'm not in Heaven, dear."

A man has to wear three rings in his life - Engagement ring - Wedding ring - SUFFERING

A guy comes home from work, runs into the living room, and flops down in front of the TV. He quickly turns it on and starts flipping through the channels. His wife walks into the living room and the guys says to her, "Wife, hurry up and get me a beer before it starts!" The wife goes to the fridge, cracks a beer and gives it to her husband. The husband slams down the beer, gives her the empty, and tells her, "Hurry up and get me another one! It's gonna start soon!" The wife goes to the fridge, gets another beer, cracks it open, and takes it to her husband. The guy slams the beer again, gives her the empty, and says, "Hurry up and get me 1 more beer, it's gonna start ANY minute!" The wife, getting upset, goes to the fridge, gets him a beer, cracks it open, gives it to her husband and says "You know, all you ever do around here is come home from work, sit in front of the TV, bark orders at me, drink beer...............” The guy, hearing his wife complaining, sips his beer, sighs, and says, "YEP, IT'S STARTED!"

When a woman got married she put a shoebox in the closet and told her husband not to open it. After over 50 years of marriage she was dying and told him to open the box. When he opened it there were 2 doilies and $85,000.00 He ask why this was in the box. She replied “when I got married my mother told me to crochet a doily every time I got mad at you. He smile thinking she was only mad twice and ask what the $85,000.00 was. She replied that's the money from selling the doilies.

There are three rings in marriage: 1. The Engagement Ring 2. The Wedding Ring, and 3. The Suffer Ring