Jokes

A couple arrived at the boarding gate just in time to see their plane taking off. The husband was angry to have missed the plane. “If you weren’t so slow in getting ready,” he complained to his wife, “we wouldn’t have missed the plane.” “And if you wouldn’t have rushed me, we wouldn’t have so long to wait until the next flight,” she replied.

A woman asking people questions for her company's survey walked up to a man and asked if he would be willing to participate. He said, “Sure”. She asked him to name something expensive that he wished he had never bought. The man answered, “My wedding ring.”

Carlos told his wife he wanted a guitar to play while sitting in the Jacuzzi. The next day she bought him an electric guitar.

A couple is arguing about who should make the coffee in the morning. The wife says, “I think your should do it because you get up first.” He counters with, “The kitchen is your domain, and you do all the cooking so you know where everything is. I think you should make the coffee.” “No way,” she says. “You should do it. The Bible even says so.” “What the heck are you talking about?” She grabs the family Bible, thumbs through, and point to the appropriate section: “Hebrews”

A woman is paying for some purchases at Macy’s. As she reaches for her card, a TV remote control falls out of her purse. The sales clerk asks, “Do you always carry your TV remote?” “No.” the woman says, “But my husband refused to come shopping with me today. I figured this was a great way to pay him back.”

“Honey,” says a husband to his wife, “I invited a friend home for supper.” “What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess. I haven’t been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don’t feel like cooking a fancy meal!” “I know all that.” “Then why did you invite a friend for supper?” “Because the poor fool’s thinking about getting married.”

Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn’t have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn’t have to hear about the way his mother cooked.

Carlos told his wife he wanted a guitar to play while sitting in the Jacuzzi. “The next day she bought him an electric guitar.”

A distraught older woman is looking at herself in the mirror and crying. Her voice shakes as she says to her husband, "I'm so old. I'm so fat. I look horrible. I really need a compliment." Her husband, determined to quickly give his beloved the comfort she needs, exclaims, "Damn, do you have good eyesight!"

A guy was cutting the tail off his dog. His neighbor asked, "What the hell are you doing?" “My mother-in-law is coming to visit and I don't want any sign of welcome" He replied.

A couple is sitting on the porch sipping wine. The wife says, "I love you." The husband says, "Is that you or the wine talking?" The wife replies, "It's me, talking to the wine."

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

People say that there is no difference between ‘finished’ and ‘complete’. I say there is... Marry the right person, and you’re COMPLETE. Marry the wrong person, and you’re FINISHED.

You have heard it said that it is the thought that counts. Well, when your wife is involved it is NOT the thought that counts, it is HER thought that counts.

They were watching a TV soap opera, and he became irritated by the way his wife was taking it to heart. “How can you sit there and cry about the made-up troubles of people you’ve never even met?” he demanded. “The same way you can jump up and scream when some guy you’ve never met scores a touchdown,” she replied.

A husband, the owner of a new car, was somewhat reluctant to allow his wife to drive his prize possession…even to the Supermarket which was a few blocks from the house. After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as she departed, “Remember, if you have an accident, the newspaper will print your age!”

After 20-years of marriage the wife starts complaining to her husband that he does not love her anymore and she begs him to seek advice from her friend the local parish priest. Obliging he went, afterwards he arrives home, lifts her off her feet and carries her from one room to the other, surprised she exclaims oh! How much you love me? What did the priest tell you? Well he told me to carry my cross and that is you!!

Did you hear about the man who divorced his wife for using four letter words??? Find Work!!!!!

The wife saw her husband frustrated reading the Marriage Certificate from top to bottom, flip it over, and then read it again... She asked:" Honey, what are you looking for?" He answered:" Nothing dear, I’m just looking for the expiration date for this paper..."

A debt-overwhelmed man, hopelessly poring over a pile of bills, suddenly shouted “I’d give a thousand dollars to anyone who would do my worrying for me!” “You’re on,” said his wife. “Where is the thousand?” “That is your first worry,” he replied.

The humble little accountant had his suspicion. One day he left the office early and, sure enough, at home he found a strange hat and umbrella in the hallway and sitting in the living room in the arms of another man was his wife. Wild for revenge, the husband picked up the man’s umbrella and snapped it in two across his knee. “There!” he said. “Now I hope it rains!”

At Saint Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husband's marriage seminar. At the session last week, the Priest asked Luigi, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman for all these years. Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, “Wella, I've tried to treat her nice, spend money on her, but best of all is that I took her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!” The priest responded, "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here!” Please tell us what you're planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary." Luigi proudly replied, "I'm gonna go get her." (The Secret of a Long Marriage)

At a BBQ a couple was chatting with some guests when the marriage counseling topic came up. The wife very pompous commented; “Oh we’ll never need that. My husband and I have an excellent relationship.” “My husband was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts. He communicates real well and I just act like I am listening.”

Q) What did the chef give his wife on Valentine's Day? A) A hug and a quiche.

A man comes home from a night of drinking with the boys. As he falls through the doorway of his house, his wife snaps at him, “what’s the big idea coming home half drunk?” The man replies, “I’m sorry, honey. I ran out of money.”

A married woman has a lover. It’s no secret, her husband and all there friends know about it. One day, the woman suddenly dies. At the funeral, to the embarrassment of all, the boyfriend is there and is crying hysterically. Finally, the husband can't take anymore of it. He approaches the man, puts his arms around him and says "Please don't carry on like this. I'll marry again.

One day Little Jonnie says to his father: I want to get married. Father: Oh, so do you have someone special in your mind? Johnny: Yes...Grandma Father: What? There is a problem now; you want to marry my Mother? Johnny: Why not? You married my mother

A woman sadly tells her husband: We will not be together in heaven as we may die at different times my dear. After a pause her husband replied; my dear that is why the place is known as 'Heaven'.

A married couple is having problems so they go to counseling. They sit down with the specialist and the wife points out the numerous problems with their marriage. After about 10 minutes, the specialist gets up, walks over to the wife and kisses her passionately. Then he tells the husband “now sir, if this happens 3 times a week your wife will feel much better about herself and your relationship.” The man says; “well I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays but I go out drinking on Fridays.”

A man sat down and was seriously staring at the marriage certificate, after a long time his wife asked, “What are you looking for? He replied, “The expiration date.”