Jokes

Q: What did the octopus say to his girlfriend when he proposed? A: Can I have your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand in marriage?

A Wife checks husbands mobile and find all girls numbers saved in the following order: New Bird Neighbor Bird Old Bird Upstairs Bird Insurance Bird College Bird Super market Bird Finally she checks her name and it was saved as... Angry Bird

A married couples, both 60 years old, were celebrating their 35th anniversary. During their party, a fairy appeared to congratulate them and grant them each one a wish. The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and poof -- the wife had tickets in her hand for a world cruise. Next, the fairy asked the husband what he wanted. He said, "I wish I had a wife 30 years younger than me." So the fairy picked up her wand and poof... The husband turned 90 years old!

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant. "No, no no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

A husband and wife had a fight. Wife called her mom: He fought with me again, I am coming to stay with you. Mom: No dear, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to stay with you!

After 37 years of marriage, Jake dumped his wife for his young secretary. His new girlfriend demanded that they live in Jake and Edith’s multi-million dollar home. Since Jake had better lawyers, he prevailed. He gave Edith, his now ex-wife, just 3 days to move out. She spent the 1st day packing her belongings into boxes and crates. On the 2nd day, she had two movers come and collect her things. On the 3rd day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each and every room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of all the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When Jake returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything- cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even replaced the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. Edith called Jake and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back. Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were the sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork. A week later, Jake and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home… Including the curtain rods.

One day a man was driving down the road in his truck. His wife was sitting next to him and he had his arm around her shoulders. A police officer pulled him over because the man did not have both hands on the steering wheel. He received a ticket for unsafe driving but the man felt it was unjust. Hence, he appeared in court to try and fight the ticket. When the Judge asked him why he was not using both hands, the man replied, "Well, your Honor, I needed one hand to drive with." After the Judge composed himself, he dismissed the ticket.

Wife's Diary: Tonight, I thought my husband was acting strange. We went to a nice restaurant for dinner. I thought he was upset by the fact that I was a bit late, but he said nothing about it. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was something I had done. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, and again he said nothing. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm sure his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster. Husband's Diary: Boat wouldn't start, can't figure it out!!

Susie's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. Things looked grim, but she was by his bedside every single day. One day as he slipped back into consciousness, he motioned for her to come close to him. She pulled the chair close to the bed and leaned her ear close to be able to hear him. "You know" he whispered, his eyes filling with tears, "you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you stuck right beside me. When my business went under, there you were. When we lost the house, you were there. When I got shot, you stuck with me. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. "And you know what?" "What, dear?" she asked gently, smiling to herself. "I think you're bad luck."

Mom and Dad were watching TV when Mom said, "I'm tired, and it's getting late. I think I'll go to bed." She went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for the next day's lunches, rinsed out the popcorn bowls, took meat out of the freezer for supper the following evening, checked the cereal box levels, filled the sugar container, put spoons and bowls on the table and started the coffee pot for brewing the next morning. She then put some wet clothes into the dryer, put a load of clothes into the wash, ironed a shirt and secured a loose button. She picked up the newspapers strewn on the floor, picked up the game pieces left on the table, watered the plants, emptied a wastebasket and hung up a towel to dry. She yawned and stretched and headed for the bedroom. She stopped by the desk and wrote a note to the teacher, counted out some cash for the field trip, and pulled a textbook out from hiding under the chair. She signed a birthday card for a friend, addressed and stamped the envelope and wrote a quick note for the grocery store. She put both near her purse. Mom then washed her face, put on moisturizer, brushed and flossed her teeth and trimmed her nails. Hubby called, "I thought you were going to bed." "I'm on my way," she said. She put some water into the dog's dish and put the cat outside, then made sure the doors were locked. She looked in on each of the kids and turned out a bedside lamp, hung up a shirt, threw some dirty socks in the hamper, and had a brief conversation with the one up still doing homework. In the bedroom, she set the alarm, laid out clothing for the next day, straightened up the shoe rack. She added three things to her list of things to do for tomorrow. About that time, hubby turned off the TV and announced to no one in particular "I'm going to bed,", and he did.

Dear Technical Support, Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Fishingweekend 10.3 and Bowlingbash 2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I can not seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but uninstall does not work on this program. Can you help me? - Jonathan Powell To: Mr. Powell This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES and ENTERTAINMENT" program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge the program from the system once it is installed. You can not go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system Look in your manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire system regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. The best course of action will be to push apologize button, then reset button as soon as lock-up occurs. System will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but is very high maintenance. - Tech Support

A man is speeding down the freeway when he's stopped by a police car and has to pull over. "Do you realize you were doing 80 m.p.h. in a 60 m.p.h. zone, sir?" asks the policeman. "That's impossible, sir, I never break the speed limit," replies the driver. The driver's wife butts in and says, "Yes, you do, I'm always telling you to keep your speed down." The policeman says, "I also noticed, sir, that you didn't have your seatbelt on. You put it on as I was walking over to your car." "That is not true, sir; I always wear my seatbelt," replies the driver. "No, you don't, I'm always telling you to put your seatbelt on," says the driver's wife. "Stupid woman," the driver explodes, "can't you, just for once, keep that big, fat trap of yours shut?" The policeman is a bit shocked by how the driver is speaking to his wife, so he moves around to her side of the car. "Does he often speak to you like this, madam?" "Oh, no, officer," she says, "only when he's drunk."

A couple was invited to a swanky Halloween party. The day of the party the wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and messed around. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!"

A man and wife are about to take a trip to Sidney Australia. The man goes up to the Southwest ticket counter and he buys one ticket. The ticket sales man ask the husband, "What about your wife?" The husband replies, "You advertise, 'All Bags Fly Free'!"

Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why? Darling: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears. Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you? Darling: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?

Tired of being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decides to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as beneficiary, and arranging to have her killed. A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure that went by the name of "Artie." Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid something up front. The man opened up his wallet, displaying a single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed. A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife into the local Safeway grocery store. There he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled onto the scene. Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well. Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings was captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband. And that is why the next day in the newspaper, the headlines declared: "ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT SAFEWAY"

The Bra was invented during the eighteen century by the wife of Lord Hailsham. Do you why she decided to create the bra which is still being used by almost all ladies, young and old? For two obvious reasons!!!

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You are beautiful.” Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, “You are cute!” The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful,” it was now “cute.” She said, “What happened to ‘beautiful’?” Her husband replied, “The drugs are wearing off!”

Wife: Why don't you go out in the balcony, when I start singing. Husband: Because the people would think I am beating you.

There's only two ways to argue with a woman... And neither one of them work.

Man and wife driving through the countryside come across a herd of goats. Wife to hubby whilst pointing at the goat's: Your relatives! Hubby to wife: Yes they are....from my wife's side.

Wife: "What are you doing?" Husband: "Nothing." Wife: "Nothing? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour." Husband: "I was looking for the expiration date."

We have a perfect marriage, I always have the last word... It's always, "Yes Dear."

One Sardar's (Joker) wife told to her husband (Sardar) that she want to live her life with 'wealth & Pride'! Sardar shoots her, telling that 'you are my wife and want to live with Wealth & Pride

Marriage is not always wine and roses…but I have found that wine does help a lot!

Three men wanted to cross a river. They had no idea how to cross it, so one man knelt down on his knees and prayed "Lord give me the power and strength the cross the river." suddenly the man became very strong and swam across the river. The next man thought: if it worked for him, it'll work for me. So he knelt down and prayed "Lord give the skills and the strength to cross the river." the man built a canoe and rowed himself across the river. The last man thought: if it worked for both of them, I know it'll work for me. So he also knelt down and prayed “Lord give me the wisdom and knowledge to cross the river." He turned into a woman and walked across the bridge.

What do you call a woman/man without a brain? Divorced

My wife and I were happy for 25 years, ..... and then we met.

A woman has the last word in any argument.Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

A man and a woman who never met before, find themselves on upper and lower berth of a long distance train. At 2 am, man leans over saying, "Ma'am, sorry to bother you, would you be kind enough to give me a second blanket from the side table. It's awfully cold here. "I have a better idea", she replied, "Just for tonight, why don't we pretend that we are married?" "Great idea Ma'am", he replied in great excitement. She says, "Well then get up and take it yourself"