Jokes

As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Silverman became increasingly furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous young blonde woman. As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Silverman, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!" Bewildered, Mr. Silverman was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I . . . I didn't pinch that girl." "Of course you didn't," replied his wife, consolingly. "I did."

There was a couple married for 50 years and on the 50th anniversary the wife saw the husband crying and she told him, "Honey I never knew that after 50 years you would still love me the same way you did 50 years ago." The husband looks at the wife and asks her, "Honey, do you remember 50 years ago when your father caught us behind the barn naked?" And the wife says yes. The man replies do you remember what your father told me that day? She replies no. The husband replies he told me that if I don't marry you he would have me locked up in prison for 50 years. The wife looks at the husband and says "and?" So the husband replies, "HOLLY COW! I could of been a free man by now!"

A man and his wife had been arguing all day. As evening approached, they decided it would be best if they didn't speak for a while. The evening passes and as they are reading themselves for bed, the husband remembers that he has an early morning meeting. Not wanting to be the first to break their silence, he writes a note, asking his wife to wake him at 6 AM, then leaves it on her makeup table where she is certain to see it. He goes to bed with a smile on his face, knowing that when she woke him, she wold speak first and loose the argument. He wakes in the morning and is angered to see that it is after 9. He stalks to his wife's makeup table to see if she had seen his note. Next to the note he had written was a note she wrote. It said, "Wake up!"

Adam and Eve had the perfect marriage. He didn't have to listen as she compared him to previous boyfriends and she didn't have to hear what a good cook his mother was.

One day these two fine southern ladies were sittin' on the front porch having some iced tea. One of the women sticks out her hand for the other woman to see, and in her long southern drawl says "Look at this ring my husband gave me. Isn't it nice?" To which the other woman replies, "Oh that's nice, that's real nice." The first woman then says , "And just last month he took me on one of them Caribbean cruises." The second woman again replies, "Oh that's nice, that's real nice." "Well sweetheart doesn't your husband ever buy you nice things or send you nice places?" "Oh", the second woman responds, "When we first got married he did send me to etiquette school." "Why'd he do that?" the first woman asks. To which the second fine southern woman replies, "Well you see, before, when someone told me about the jeweler their husband gave them, or the trips he sent her on, I would have just said I don't give a crap, but now I say that's nice, that's real nice."

A couple are rushing into the hospital because the wife is going into labor. As they walk, a doctor says to them that he has invented a machine that splits the pain between the mother and father. They agree to it and are led into a room where they get hooked up to the machine. The doctor starts it off at 20% split towards the father. The wife says, "Oh, that's actually better." The husband says he can't feel anything. Then the doctor turns it to 50% and the wife says that it doesn't hurt nearly as much. The husband says he sill can't feel anything. The Doctor, now encouraged, turns it up to 100%. The husband still can't feel anything, and the wife is really happy, because there is now no pain for her. The baby is born. The couple goes home only to find the postman groaning in pain on the doorstep.

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? Its been flickering for weeks now." He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so." "Well, then could you fix the fridge door? It wont close right." To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so." "Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break." "I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I"m going to the bar!" So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how"d this all get fixed?" She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either sleep with him or bake him a cake." He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?" She replied, "Hellooooooo... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my Forehead!!!

The Bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to the father by the bride. The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say something. So he announced: "Ladies and Gentlemen, today is the luckiest day of my life." Then he raised his hands with what his daughter gave him and said, "My daughter has finally returned my Credit Card to me!!!" The whole audience burst into laughter. But one was in complete silence... The Groom!

Bob works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team." When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Miller Lite. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Miller Lite?" "I recognize her, she’s the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Lite at the end of the 1st nine, honey." A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Bobby, want your usual table dance, big boy?" Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four-letter word in the book. The cabby turns around and says, "Geez, Bob, you picked up a real winner this time." The funeral for Bob is on Friday.

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to touch her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then slid his hand across her shoulders and neck, slowly worked it down one side, then the other, stopping just over her lower stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed downward again, working down her side, passed gently over and then in between her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent. As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, "That was wonderful. Why did you stop?" "I found the remote," he said.

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counselling came up. "Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts." "He communicates real well and I just act like I'm listening."

A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box? We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up" "Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas." The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish? He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?" The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box!"

Each evening bird lover Tom stood in his backyard, hooting like an owl - and one night, an owl finally called back to him. For a year, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of the "conversation." Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in inter species communication, his wife had a chat with her next door neighbor. "My husband spends his nights ... calling out to owls," she said. "That's odd," the neighbor replied. "So does my husband."

Two men were playing golf one morning. One of them was on the green preparing to putt when a funeral procession started passing on the road next to the golf course. The man preparing to putt paused from his game and bowed his head respectfully until the procession had passed. When he finished his putt, his partner remarked, "That was really respectful of you to pause for that funeral procession!" His buddy replied, "Well, I was married to her for 35 years!"

The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we're going to be three in this house instead of two." Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes. He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, "I'm glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us."

If it's true that girls are inclined to marry men like their fathers, it is understandable why so many mothers cry so much at weddings.

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" she asked. "Hunting flies," He responded. "Oh, killing any?" She asked. "Yep, three males, two females," he replied. Intrigued by this she asked, "How can you tell?" He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."

The story behind Aryabhatta's discovery: Aryabhatta asked his wife once "What are the chances of me winning any argument with you?" Wife replied "What do you think?" And then he discovered ... ZERO.

Wife: I wish I was a newspaper so I’d be in your hand all day. Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper, So I could have new one everyday.

Wife: If I knew you were this poor, I wouldn't have married you! Husband: What do you think I meant when I said you were the only thing I have in this world?

Three men were at a bar discussing coincidences. The first man said, "My wife was reading a 'Tale of Two Cities' and she gave birth to twins!" "That's funny," the second man remarked, "my wife was reading 'The Three Musketeers' and she gave birth to triplets!" The third man shouted, "Good God, I have to rush home!" When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, "When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves!!!"

A guy sends a text to his next-door neighbor: "Bob, I'm sorry. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess: I have been helping myself to your wife when you're not around, probably more than you. I know it's no excuse but I don't get it at home. I can't live with the guilt any longer. I hope you'll accept my sincerest apology. It won't happen again." Feeling outrage and betrayed, Bob goes into his bedroom, and without a word, demands a divorce from his wife. Moments later the guy gets a second text: "Really should use spell check! That should be 'wifi'."

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked. "I'm an inspector from Termite Busters," said the exterminator. "What are you doing in there?" the husband asked. "I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied. "And where are your clothes?" asked the husband. The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little buggers!"

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour , sir ." The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating." Not looking up from her knitting his wife says: "Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control." As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?" His wife smiles demurely and says, "Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher." As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?" The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine." The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket. " His wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat-belt on. You never wear your seat-belt when you're driving." And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?? " The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am? " "Only when he's been drinking!"

My best old friend asked me, "How do you keep your marriage so fresh?" I said, "Well for the last 30 years we've done nothing together and we get along just fine! Why do you ask?" He replied, "My wife has kind of the same idea." "Oh?", I said. "Yea a Divorce!"

My wife came home with four cases of beer, three boxes of wine, two bottles of whiskey and two loaves of bread. "Are we expecting guests?" I asked. "No," she replied. "Then why did you buy so much bread?"

On the morning of her birthday, a woman told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond necklace. What do you think it means?” “Maybe you’ll find out tonight,” he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. She ripped off the wrapping paper and found a book titled "The Meaning of Dreams."

Husband text his wife and types, "Whale you be my valentine?" Wife replied: " Dolphinately!"

A man at the pharmacy to pick up his Viagra prescription complained over the $10/pill price. His wife, who was with him, had a different opinion: "Oh, $40 a year isn't too bad."

If a married man is walking in the woods alone and he speaks, is he still wrong?