Jokes

Husband: You will never succeed, in making that dog obey you. Wife: Nonsense! it's only a matter of patience, remember I had a lot of trouble with you at first as well...

Once a doctor invented a birthing pain share machine, where a spouse could share the joys and pains of birthing with their partner. So a couple walks in and was ready for labor and they agreed to try the device. The doctor diverted 1 % and checked to see how the husband felt, he said he was okay. They proceeded with 5%, 10%, 25% and up to 50% and the husband was still feeling fine. They were proud parents of a beautiful baby and proceeded to head home. When they got home, they found the mailman dead at their front door.

Betty was soon to be married. More than anything, she wanted to wear the wedding dress her mother was married in. Betty's mother was beaming with pride as she gave her consent. Later in the evening, the family gathered in the living room to wait while Betty tried on the dress. When Betty entered the room, there was a chorus of approval. The dress fit perfectly and looked wonderful on her. Tears ran down the face of Betty's mother. Seeing this, Betty said, "Don't worry Mom, you're not losing a daughter, your gaining a son." "Forget about that!" she said with a sob. "I used to fit into that dress!"

A Polish man moved to the United States and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well — until one day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions: Lawyer: "Have you any grounds?" Man: "Yes, an acre and a half and a nice little home." Lawyer: "No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?" Man: "It’s made of concrete." Lawyer: "I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?" Man: "No, we have a carport." Lawyer: "I mean, what are your relations like?" Man: "All my relations are still in Poland." Lawyer: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?" Man: "We have a high-fidelity stereo and good DVD player." Lawyer: "Does your wife beat you up?" Man: "No, I always wake up before her." Lawyer: "Sir, exactly why do you want this divorce?" Man: "She's going to kill me." Lawyer: "What makes you think that?" Man: "I have proof." Lawyer: "What kind of proof?" Man: "She is going to poison me. She bought a bottle and put it on the shelf in the bathroom. I can read it and it says ... 'Polish remover.' "

An older gentleman goes into a bar and hears the other patrons discussing the ups and down of marriage. "Next week my wife and I will celebrate our fiftieth anniversary," he tells them. "That's great. What's your secret for a long and happy marriage," one asks. "Well, you have to do nice things for your wife." "Such as?" "Well, for our twenty fifth anniversary I took her to Italy." "That is nice. What are you going to do for your fiftieth?" "I'm going back to visit her."

Daughter: " I don't like the boy you found for me... his teeth are not in order and he looks ugly when he smiles." Mother: "Don't worry about that. He will not be smiling after he marries you."

A young couple got married and went on a cruise for their honeymoon. When they got back home the bride immediately called her mom, who lived three hours away. "Well, darling," said her Mom, "How was your honeymoon?" "It was wonderful, and so romantic. We had a great time," began the bride, "but as soon as we got home he started using really horrible language. Words I have never heard before. Really horrible four-letter words! You've got to come get me...PLEASE." Then the bride began to sob over the phone and begged, "PLEASE mom, come get me!" "But honey what did he say, what 4-letter words, you have to tell me what's troubling you," said her mom. Still sobbing the bride said to her mother..."Words like....DUST, IRON, COOK, WASH!"

My wife and I went on vacation to a fishing resort. I liked to fish at the crack of dawn. My wife liked to read. One morning I returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. Although my wife wasn't familiar with the lake, she decided to take the boat and enjoy the beautiful morning on the water. So she took the boat out a short distance, anchored, and returned to reading her book. Along came the sheriff in his boat. He pulled up alongside my wife and said, “Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?” “Reading my book,” my wife replied, “Isn't it obvious?” “You're in a restricted fishing area,” he informed her. “But officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?” “Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.” “If you do that, I'll have to charge you with rape,” snapped my irate wife. “But, I haven't even touched you,” groused the sheriff. “Yes, that's true,” she replied with a slight smile, “But you do have all the equipment.” MORAL: Never argue with a redhead.

Husband takes the wife to a disco. There’s a guy on the dance floor break dancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works. The wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down." Husband says, "Looks like he’s still celebrating!"

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and cows, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws!"

Wife: Dear God, I wish you could make my husband pay more attention to me, protect me, take me out, sleep close to me at night. I wish he would be more caring, even if I got the smallest of scratches. God turned her into a smartphone.

Why didn't the man report his stolen credit card? The thief was spending less than his wife.

A little girl picks up the phone, “Hello?” “Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?” Daddy asks. “No, Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.” After a brief pause, Daddy says, “But honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul.” “Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.” Dad takes a second to process this, then speaks. “Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.” A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. “I did it, Daddy!” “And what happened, honey?” he asked. “Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn’t moving at all!” “Oh my God! What about your Uncle Paul?” “He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he’s dead.” A long, silent pause. Then Daddy says, “Swimming pool? … Is this 486-5731?”

One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?" "Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three." "Three?" "That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?" "Oh no," the man said, "actually I just heard about it." "All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?" "No, on the contrary..." "So," Socrates interrupted, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?" The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued. "You may still pass though, because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?" "Well it....no, not really..." "Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?" The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out that Plato was having an affair with his wife.

Having been married ten years and still living in an apartment, the wife would often complain about anything, as she was tired of saving every penny to buy a "dream home." Trying to placate her, the husband found a new apartment, within their budget. However, after the first week, she began complaining again. Joel, she said, I don't like this place at all. There are no curtains in the bathroom. The neighbors can see me every time I take a bath. Don't worry. replied her husband. If the neighbors do see you, they'll buy curtains.

A little old guy is walking around in a supermarket calling out, "Crisco, Crisssssssco!" Soon an assistant manager approaches and says, "Sir, the Crisco is in aisle 3." The old guy replies, "Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff. I'm calling my wife. She's in here somewhere." The clerk is astonished. "Your wife's name is Crisco?" The old guy answers, "Oh no, no, no. I only call her that when we're out in public." "I see," said the clerk. "What do you call her at home?" "Lard ass."

Lady: My husband keeps talking in his sleep. Doctor: Just allow him to speak during the day, and he will be alright.

A man and his wife are talking: Man - "What would happen if I were to win the lottery?" Woman - "I would take half and leave you in a heartbeat!" Man - "I won twelve dollars, here's six now get out!"

A 90 year old geezer married a very young filly and was telling his doctor that they were expecting a baby. "Let me tell you a story," the doctor said. "There was an absent-minded fellow who went hunting one day, but instead of picking up a gun, he picked up an umbrella. Suddenly, while he was out in the woods, a bear charged him. He pointed his umbrella at the bear, shot and killed it on the spot. "Not possible!" the old geezer exclaimed. "Someone else must have shot that bear." "Exactly!" the doctor replied.

Wife: Honey I lost 5 pounds! Husband: AT LAST... you washed off your makeup!

So, my friend sent me an invitation card to her wedding. I hate weddings, so I sent her a message saying, I am sorry I can't make it now, maybe next time. She now hates me!

One woman married and had 6 children. Her husband died. She soon married again and had 3 more children. Again, her husband died. But she remarried and this time had 4 more children. At last, she finally died. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the Lord above, thanking Him, for this loving woman who fulfilled his commandment to "Go forth and multiply." In his eulogy, the preacher said, "Lord, they're finally together." Leaning over to a neighbor, one mourner quietly asked, "Is he referring to her first, second or third husband?" The neighbor replied, "I think he's referring to her legs."

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text, “If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!" The husband, typically unromantic, replied, "I am in the toilet. Please advise."

A lawyer married a woman who had previously been married ten times. On their wedding night, as they settled into the hotel bridal suite, she said to her new husband, "Please, promise to be gentle. I'm still a virgin." Puzzled as to how this could be possible, he asked, "How can that be if you've already been married ten times?" His bride explained... "Husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he spent our entire marriage telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function but promised to look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; although he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an Engineer; while he understood the basic process, he said he needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he knew how, but just wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had the product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a Psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God, how I miss him! 'But, now that I've married you, I'm really excited'!" "Good, by why is that?" asked the new husband. "You're a lawyer! I know I'm going to get screwed this time!" she replied.

On a cold winter evening, a man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same frigid sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower, they both manage to nod off to sleep. In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly hand me one of those blankets over there." The man leans out and with a glint in his eye and says "I've got a better idea ... let's pretend we're married." Considering this for a moment, the woman giggles, "Why not?" "Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket."

After 30 years of marriage Jane as all women do started nagging to John her husband that he does not love her anymore and told him John why don't you go to get some advice from our friend the Bishop so you will love me more. Well John thought if I go to the Bishop I will drink some of his good wine and went. When he came back he saw his wife at door, then he went up to her and lifted her and carried her from one room to other. She was really pleased with this gesture and asked What did Bishop tell you. Well he told me go and carry your Cross and wonder who is my cross?

1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays. 2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California, and mine is in Texas. 3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. 4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. She said... 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' So I suggested the kitchen. 5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. 6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair. 7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake." 8. She got a mud-pack, and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off. 9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!" 10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. 11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. 12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her. 13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"

Rob and Joyce meet in college and soon after fall in love and get married. Several years later Joyce has a tragic bobsledding accident and dies. Rob is devastated and lives alone for several years. After several more years he meets another lady and her name is Joyce. They get married and what did Rob do??? He reJoyced!!!

A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?" "No, I stopped drinking years ago," the bum said. "Will you use it to gamble?" "I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive." "Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?" "Are you NUTS! I haven't played golf in 20 years!" The man said, "Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife." The bum was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad." The man replied, "That's OK. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling, and golf."

One day a man drove his secretary home after she fell quite ill at work. Although this was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to get jealous easily. Later, that night the man and his wife were driving to a restaurant. Suddenly he looked down and spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden under the passenger seat. Not wanting to be conspicuous, he waited until his wife was looking out her window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of the car. With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot. That's when he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat. "Honey," she asked, "have you seen my other shoe?"