Jokes

Wife: You’re an hour late getting home from work again! Husband: I had to work late. Wife: I can see blue chalk on your fingers; are you sure you didn’t stop by and play billiards with the guys before you came home? Husband: (pause) err ah.. I’m using blue chalk at work to mark our outgoing shipments and white chalk to mark the received shipments. I’ve found this method to be quite efficient. The next night he comes home on time and sits down to dinner. Husband: We’ve been married ten years and you’ve never made TV dinners. You know I don’t like TV dinners. Wife: It’s not a TV dinner! Husband: Then why is it in a TV type severing tray and not on a plate. Wife: (zero hesitation) I buy the tins and cook your entire dinner at once. I’ve found this method to be quite efficient.

I was walking down the street when I heard a skirmish down an ally. A guy was trying to take a woman’s purse. When I saw it was my ex-wife, I said a little prayer for the guy and just kept on walking.

A guy was gazing at the stars through his binoculars when his wife came out in a new dress. She asked if it made her hips look smaller. He paused for a second, turned his binoculars around, and then looked at her. "I’ve got some good news honey, you’ve never looked better."

The newly-married husband came home from the office to find his young wife in floods of tears. "Darling, whatever is the matter?" he asked. "Sweetheart," she sobbed, "the most terrible thing has happened! I cooked my very first Beef Bourguignon for you, and I got it out of the oven to season it, and the phone rang. When I came back from answering the phone, I found that the cat had eaten it!" "Don't worry, darling," said her husband. "Don't cry. We can get a new cat tomorrow."

A woman had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up. "Wow," said her husband, "that was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?" "Wrong number," replied the wife.

Hearing his wife as she sings, the husband says, "You know dear, when you sing like that I just wish you were on the radio." The wife smiles and replies, "Wow honey, you think I am that good?" "No, but at least that way I can change the station or turn it off."

My Mother-in-Law went to the beauty parlor the other day and she was there for five hours... And that was just for the estimate!

One day, an Eskimo family arrived in New York City. This was the first time out of their native village, and it didn't take long before the wife got lost. The husband asked a passerby for help and was told to go to the police and report it. When he got there, a police officer asked him for the wife's description. "What's that?" asked the husband. "Well, you see a description is telling what something looks like. For example, my wife is 25-years-old, 5'11", 140 lbs, 38-25-36 measurements. Now, what can you tell me about your wife?" "The heck with her, lets go look for yours!"

(Husband) Honey bunches, since you want me to loose a little weight I’m going to try some of those low calorie chocolate favored drinks. (Wife) Really? That’s great cuddle bear! You do realize dumpling they’re only used as a meal replacement right? (Husband) What are you talking about Sandra? (Wife) What I'm saying is you can’t use them to wash down chilly cheese fries, Frank!

It's Black Friday and mall is packed with shoppers and Frank can't find his wife. He goes up to a very attractive woman and says, "Excuse me, can you help me? I cannot see my wife, and I know that she is here in the shopping mall somewhere. Can you just talk to me for a couple of minutes?" The attractive woman replies, "Why?" Frank replies, "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife materializes out of thin air."

Eric is sitting at the bar staring morosely into his beer. Tom walks in and sits down. After trying to start a conversation several times and getting only distracted grunts, he asks Eric what the problem is. "Well," said Eric, "I ran afoul of one of those trick questions women ask. Now I'm in deep trouble at home." "What kind of question?" asked Tom. "My wife asked me if I would still love her if when she was old, fat and ugly." "That's easy," said Tom. "You just say 'Of course I will'". "Yeah," said Eric, "That's what I did, except I said, 'Of course I DO....'"

A husband walks into the bedroom holding two aspirin and a glass of water. His wife asks, "What's that for?" "It's for your headache." "I don't have a headache." He replies, "Gotcha!"

George and Mary were celebrating their 50th anniversary and were spending the night in the famous Washington DC Watergate Hotel. After retiring at midnight Mary recalled the spy story at the Watergate and asked her husband to get up and check the room. Disgruntled he looked behind the mirror, the pictures, under the bed and finally under the big circular carpet in the center of the room under the chandelier. Mary exclaimed, "There, look, there is a big plate there, look under it." Fortunately George had his Swiss Army knife and unscrewed the four large screws, finding nothing. Satisfied the room was not bugged they both went to sleep. Upon checkout the next morning the clerk asked them if they had any problems in their room last night. No, they replied and asked why he asked. He told them that at midnight the room under them had the chandelier fall down in the center of their room.

My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market. I went and looked around and couldn't find any. So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said, "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?" The produce guy looked at me and said, "No. You'll have to do that yourself."

A twice married and divorced well-to-do business man named Ralph felt he finally found his soul mate in a woman half his age. Betty, his new wife, was pretty, dirty blond hair, and not all that bright, but Ralph didn't care. He would do anything to make her happy, and on Betty's birthday he called her out to the front yard. "Happy Birthday!" he shouted as he proudly showed off Betty's gift, an immaculate 1957 Chevrolet Bel-Air 2 door hard top classic car. "Wow!" Betty exclaimed. "That's a really ancient looking car. It must be more than 20 years old!" "Try 50! Honeybunch, I have a business trip to go on. This car will make you a ton of money. There's a bunch of events coming up in Johnson County and when I get back, I bet you're gonna make me a happy man when I find out how well you did." Ralph left on his trip, and upon his return, as he was driving up the block to his house, he noticed a tow truck in his driveway. Pulling up he saw his dear old classic car on the truck bed, smashed to smithereens. Running into the house, he yelled for Betty. "What in the world happened to your car?" "I won first prize, $1000, that's what happened," Betty replied. "First prize, where?" Ralph asked astonishingly. "At the Johnson County Demolition Derby!"

The day after his wife disappeared, a man answered his door to find two grim-faced policemen. "We are sorry Mr. Smith, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the policemen. "Tell me! Did you find her?!" Mr. Smith shouted. The Policemen looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?" Fearing the worst, Mr. Smith said, "Give me the bad news first." The Police said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning, we found your wife's body in the sea under the Third Mainland Bridge." "Oh my God!" exclaimed Smith swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?" The policeman continued, "When we brought her out, she had five fishes and three tortoises clinging to her." Stunned, Mr Smith demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?" The policeman said, "We are going to bring her out again tomorrow."

A woman went on vacation, leaving her husband behind. Before she left, she told him to take extra special care of her cat. The next day she called her husband and asked if the cat was all right. Her husband said, "The cat just died." She burst into tears and said, "How could you be so blunt? Why couldn't you have broken the news gradually! Today, you could have said that it was playing on the roof. Tomorrow, you could have said that it fell off and had broken its leg. Then on the third day, you could have said that the poor thing had passed away in the night. You could have been more sensitive about the whole thing. By the way, how is my mom?" "She is playing on the roof."

I asked my friend , "What is the secret behind your Happy Married Life?" He said "You should share responsibilities with due love and respect each other. Then absolutely there will be no problems." I asked "Can you explain?" He said "In my house, I take decisions on bigger issues where as my Wife decides on smaller issues. We do not interfere in each other's decisions." Still not convinced, i asked him "Give me some examples". He said "Smaller issues like, which car we should buy, how much amount to save, when to visit the super market, when & where to go on vacation, which sofa, air conditioner, refrigerator to buy. Monthly expenses, whether to keep a maid or not etc. Are all decided by my wife. I just agree to it " I asked "Then, what is your role?" He said "My decisions are only for very big issues. Like whether America should attack Iran, whether Britain should lift sanctions over Zimbabwe, whether Bodoland should be formed or not, whether Dhoni should retire from Cricket , Whom should Salman Khan Marry. etc etc. and do you know, my wife; NEVER, objects to any of these decisions...

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home! Sergeant at Police Station: What is her height? Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall. Sergeant: Weight? Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat. Sergeant: Color of eyes? Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed. Sergeant: Color of hair? Husband: Change a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember. Sergeant: What was she wearing? Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly. Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in? Husband: She went in my truck. Sergeant: What kind of truck was it? Husband: A 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission and climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, which has a matching aftermarket bed liner. Custom leather 6-way seats and "Bubba" floor mats. Trail-ring package with gold hitch and special wiring hook-ups. DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio receiver, 23-channel CB radio, six cup holders, a USB port, and four power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelin's. It has custom running boards and indirect wheel well lighting. At this point the husband started choking up... Sergeant: Don't worry buddy. We'll find your truck.

Sometime after William died, his widow, Beatrice, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been. "William thought of everything," she told them. "Just before he died, he called me to his bedside and handed me three envelopes. 'Bea,' he told me, 'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace'." "What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked. "The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket.' So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know William is resting very comfortably." "The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for a nice funeral.' I arranged William a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending." "And the third envelope?" asked her friends. "The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone'." Holding her hand in the air, Beatrice said, "So, do you like my stone?" showing off her ten carat diamond ring.

One morning, while shaving, a fellow started cursing and swearing so loudly it attracted the attention of his wife, who was preparing breakfast in the kitchen. "What's the matter?" she called out. "My razor -- it won't cut!" he answered. "Don't be silly, dear!" she declared. "You mean to tell me your beard is tougher than linoleum?"

One day a husband says to his wife, “Today is a fine day!” Next day he says it again. “Today is a fine day.” Again next day, he says same thing, “Today is a fine day.” Finally after a week, the wife asks her husband, “Since last week, you are saying today is a fine day. I am fed up. What’s the matter?” "Last week when we had an argument, you said, 'I will leave you one fine day.' I was just trying to remind you."

A husband came home from work one evening and walked into the kitchen where his wife was cooking dinner. He looked into the pots on the stove and smelled their content. "Is the Preacher coming for dinner," he asked. "No, he isn't," his wife replied. "Why do you ask?" "Well, you've prepared a burnt offering. I just assumed something religious was going on."

To some, marriage is a word... To others, it's a sentence.

I just read a report that stated that last year 4,153,237 people got married... I don't want to start any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?

A wife once gave her husband the silent treatment for an entire week. She didn't say anything, she just put it into practice. She was hoping it would make him be more attentive to her and to their marriage. At the end of the week she decided to bring up subject. "You notice anything different about us this past week?" Without missing a beat, and without having a clue either, he replied. “Yeah, we’re getting along pretty great lately!”

A man was standing in front of the bathroom mirror one evening admiring his reflection, when he posed the following question to his wife of 20 years, “Will you still love me when I’m old, fat, and balding?”She answered, “Of course I will. I've already been doing it for the past 5 years haven't I?”

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice: ''Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and will kill you.'' The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: ''Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die.'' The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. ''Where are you?'' the man asked. ''Who are you?'' ''I am your guardian angel,'' the voice answered. ''Oh yeah?'' the man asked. ''So where were you when I got married?''

A woman notices her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “You know, that’s not going to help,” she says. “Sure it does,” he answers. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

At a wedding ceremony, the pastor asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom. Everything quickly turned to chaos when a woman carrying a child started walking towards the front. Everybody was surprised, shocked, and the bride even fainted. The pastor asked the woman if she had anything to say. The woman replied, "We can't hear in the back."