Jokes

Wife to husband: “Did you like supper?” Trying to be polite, the husband says, “Yes.” The wife says, “I was just wondering, because when I gave some to the cats they tried to bury it.”

A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn't wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn't suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't fit into anymore. Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, 'Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?' "And so, here we are!"

Amy and Judy are old friends. They have both been married to their husbands for a long time. Amy is upset because she thinks her husband doesn't find her attractive anymore. "As I get older he doesn't bother to look at me!" Amy cries. "I'm so sorry for you. As I get older my husband says I get more beautiful every day," replies Judy. "Yes, but your husband's an antique dealer!"

Joe, I hear your are celebrating your 50th anniversary, any special plans for the wife? Yes, I took her to Hawaii for our 25th and I thought I would go back and get her to celebrate the 50th.

I can always tell when my wife goes on a diet... I find Hostess Twinkies in her underwear drawer.

WIFE: I wrote your name on sand it got washed away. I wrote your name in air, it was blown away. Then I wrote your name on my heart, and I got a heart attack. PABLO: God saw me hungry, he created pizza. He saw me thirsty, He created Pepsi. He saw me in darkness, He created light. He saw me without problems, He created YOU. WIFE: Twinkle, twinkle little star, You should know what you are. And once you know what you are, the mental hospital is not so far. PABLO: The rain makes all things beautiful. The grass and flowers too. If rain makes all things beautiful, why doesn’t it rain on you? WIFE: Roses are red, Violets are blue, Monkeys like u should be kept in ZOO. Don’t feel so angry, you will find me there too, not in cage but laughing at YOU!

I notice a lot of people at funerals will say something like, "It's a shame his life had to end so early." So, I started saying the same thing at weddings.

My wife ran away with my best friend. A year later both of them were at my front door ringing the bell. They rang the bell for an hour straight. Reluctantly I answered the door. They said they wanted to apologize for the way things happened. Boy, was I relieved, I thought he was trying to bring her back.

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have... The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.

My wife has been stressing the importance of punctuality to me recently. I made a point of picking her up early at the bridge club for the first time today. You should have seen the shocked looks of the faces of the ladies when they found out I’m alive. Apparently my wife has been referring to me as her late husband.

A man walks into the toy store to get a Barbie doll for his daughter. So he asks the assistant, "How much is Barbie?" "Well," she says, "we have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00." "Hey, hang on," the guy asks. "Why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?" "Yeah, well, it's like this. Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."

A neighbor asked his friend, who was celebrating 50 years of marriage, what the secret was to a long and happy marriage? His friend replied, "When we were first married, we vowed to go out twice a week no matter how little money we had and we have done so for 50 years." "Twice a week, you say?" "Yeah. She goes out on Tuesday and I go out on Friday."

A foreign correspondent, did a feature story in a country in the Middle East, several years ago and before their was conflict there. She noted women walked five paces behind their husbands. She recently returned and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the old regime, the women now seem happy to maintain the old custom. She approached one of the women and asked, "Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?" 'The woman looked her straight in the eye, and without hesitation said, "Land mines." Moral is, no matter what language you speak or where you go... Behind every man, there's a smart woman!

What if Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader? Would she then be called Ella Vader?

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?" The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did." The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks, "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?" Again, the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says: "You."

A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away suddenly noticed that the man was slowing sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared. After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table." The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. My husband just walked in the door."

A guy goes to the post office to report that his wife is lost. The Postmaster advises him to report it the police. The man says," Last time she was lost I reported it to the Police and they brought her back promptly. I'm not taking any chances this time!"

Husband: Every time I yell and get angry at you, you never fight back. How do you manage your anger? Wife: I clean the toilet seat. Husband: How does that help? Wife: I use your toothbrush.

My wife keeps reminding me about some things that need repair around the house. One would think that after six months she’d know I have the list memorized.

I've been in love with a woman for seventeen years... My wife would kill me if she ever found out!

Two friends are in the living room. The wife of one of them is in the kitchen. "Sweetheart, please, can you hand us the bottle of whisky?" he says. And then, again, "Sweetheart, and two glasses please?" The other man stares at him and says, "My gosh, how long have you been married?" "Thirty years." "Oh wow, and you still call her sweetheart?" And the first whispers, "Well, I forgot what her name is!"

It was so hot when we got married outdoors in August, we decided to turn on all the sprinklers to cool everyone off. Everyone enjoyed our wetting ceremony!

Husband: Why is the food cold and bland? Wife: Because your mother put her heart and soul into it.

My wife complained that I never take her anywhere... I told her that's not true, we take a trip around the sun every year!

A married couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. At the party everybody wanted to know how they managed to stay married so long in this day and age. The husband responded, "On our wedding day, we came to an agreement. I would make all the major decisions and my wife would make all the minor decisions. And now, after 60 years of marriage, I can truthfully say that we have never needed to make a MAJOR decision."

My wife asked me to get her a birthday gift that was black and silver and went from 0 to 200 in six seconds. I got her a new bathroom scale... that's when the fighting really started.

A couple go to a marriage counselor. The husband barely sits down before rattling off a long list of things his wife needs to improve on. The counselor replied, "Wow, that's quite a long list. How about you ma'am, do you also have a long list of complaints?" "Nope," she answered, "I only have one complaint." "What might that be?" "He lies!"

Why did Heidi Klum need her husband's permission to get a divorce? She wanted his "Seal" of approval!

What's your favorite book? My husband's checkbook.

If you want to change the world, do it when you are single! Once you' re married, you can't even change the TV channel.