Jokes

NIKE was founded by men, so its tagline says - "Just do it!" If it had been founded by a woman, its tagline would have been... "Just do it... if you want to... I don't want to force you... It's your life... Anyway you don't listen to me.. Do what you want to do... Who am I to say anything... But it has to happen and you have to do it!"

Wife asks her husband to pass her a newspaper. He replies, "Newspaper? Are yo really that behind reality? Technology has developed so much and you are still asking for the newspaper? Here, take my iPad instead." The wife takes the iPad and uses it to kill a cockroach. Her husband faints.

I got up early this morning, still dark out, and went into the bathroom. Thinking I was grabbing the bottle of Listerine, I started gargling with Kaopectate. My wife is thrilled. "Great!" she said. "Maybe you'll no longer have diarrhea of the mouth!"

Marriage is like a card game. They start with a pair, he shows a diamond, she shows a flush, and they end up with a full house.

John and Nancy were married for 40 years and decided they wanted to renew their vows and planned a second wedding. They were discussing the details with their friends. Nancy wasn't going to wear a traditional bridal gown and she started describing the dress she was planning to wear. One of her friends asked what color shoes she had to go with the dress. Nancy replied, "Silver." At that point, her husband chimed in, "Yep, silver...to match her hair." Shooting a glaring look at John's bald spot, Nancy's friend said, "So, John, I guess you are going barefoot then."

Al: What kind of woman did you marry? Sam: She's an angel, that's what she is. Al: Boy, you sure are lucky. Mine's still living.

A frustrated husband sits in front of his laptop: Dear Google, please do not behave like my wife... please allow me to complete my sentence before you start guessing and suggesting. Thanks.

A newly married couple was having breakfast at their new apartment when the next door neighbor hung out laundry that appeared to still be dirty. The new wife commented to her husband that their neighbor did not how to properly do laundry, how to put in correct amount of bleach. detergent, etc. She made this comment every Monday for the next month. Finally, one day, the neighbor's wash appeared to be perfectly clean. The new wife commented on this and said the whole load looked really good. The husband then replied, "Honey, I got up early today and washed our windows."

A guy was unfortunate enough to be hit by a truck and ended up in the hospital. His best friend came to visit him. The guy struggles to tell his friend, "My wife Sadie visits me three times a day. She's so good to me. Every day, she reads to me at the bedside." "What does she read?" the friend asks. "My life insurance policy."

The wife chewed out her husband at the company picnic awhile back. "Doesn't it embarrass you that people have seen you go up to the buffet table five times?" "Not a bit," the husband replied. "I just tell them I'm filling up the plate for you!"

Jolene had wanted new kitchen cabinets for a long time, but her husband insisted they were an extravagance.She went to visit her mother for two weeks, and when she returned, she was overjoyed to find that beautiful new cabinets had been installed in her kitchen. A few days later, a neighbor came over to visit and after admiring the new cabinets, the neighbor added, "We were all so glad that the fire was confined to the kitchen."

A couple was arranging for their wedding, and asked the bakery to inscribe the wedding cake with "1 John 4:18" which reads "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear." The bakery evidently lost, smudged or otherwise misread the noted reference, and beautifully inscribed on the cake "John 4:18" which reads "for you have had five husbands, and the man you have now is not your husband."

What did the ancient Roman general's wife shout out as she came into the bedroom and saw a woman fleeing out the window? "Seize 'er!"

(Husband) Honey, at this year’s office Halloween party why don’t I wear a superman costume you can go as a witch? (Wife) How clever! (Husband) What do you mean? (Wife) It’s a polar opposite theme right?

(Husband) Honey, according to my focus group men should be in control of the TV remote. (Wife) Who’s in your focus group? (Husband) Well, actually right now it’s a focus group of one, but I’m working on membership.

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought my husband's advice. "What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?" "Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."

My eleven month old was sitting in her high chair, twisting and moving all over the place. My wife said to me, “Straighten her up.” I looked at my daughter and said, “Young lady, what are you doing with your life? Do you want to be this way forever? It’s time to grow up.” My wife didn't find it as amusing as I did.

I'm not the easiest guy in the world to get along with. So when our anniversary rolled around, I wanted my wife to know how much I appreciated her tolerating me for the past 20 years. I ordered flowers and told the florist to enclose a card that read, 'Thanks for putting up with me so long.' When my wife got the delivery, she called me at work. "Just where do you think you going?" she asked. "What do you mean?" I said. She read the card aloud as the florist had written it: "Thanks for putting up with me. So long."

(Wife) Eleanor Roosevelt said “intelligent people are those with ideas”. (Husband) That sounds like me I always have ideas! (Wife) Honey, I don’t think Mrs. Roosevelt was thinking about ideas that start out with, “Hey guys watch this!”

Following a major hurricane, a man worked long hours clearing the jumble of trees that littered his family property. The longer he worked, however, the more painful it became for him to move his right arm. He repeatedly ignored his wife's pleas to see the doctor until one night he yelped, "Ow! This is getting serious. I need to go see a doctor" His wife then turned to him in concern. He added, "Now it hurts to push buttons on the remote control."

(Husband) Hey Peaches! (Wife) Yes chubby cheeks! (Husband) Please don't call me chubby cheeks! (Wife) OK, please don't call me peaches! (Husband) Fine if you promise not to call me chubby cheeks! I'm putting the move on here, are you about ready plum cakes? (Wife) I'LL BE RIGHT THERE LOBSTER CLAWS!!!

On our seventh wedding anniversary I broke out in hives... I think they call that the seven year itch!

A man went on a dating website, hoping to find a wife. In his profile description he wrote, "Looking for a woman that is smart, pretty, funny, a good cook, organized at home, and has a BASS BOAT!" He then paused, gave it some more thought, and added, "To be considered, please include picture of the boat."

The husband was watching TV as his wife was out cutting the grass during the hot summer. He went out to ask his wife what was for supper. She was quite irritated about him sitting in the air conditioned house all day, so she shot back at him, "Think of me as dead from now on and do what you would do if I was." So he went back in the house and fixed him a big steak, potato and a big glass of tea. She walked in about the time he was finishing up and asked him, "So you fixed something to eat? Where is mine?" He replied, "I didn't fix you anything as I thought you were dead."

A tired and frustrated wife arrived home late from work and quietly entered the master bedroom where she saw four sets of feet hanging over the end of the bed. Furious, she grabbed an umbrella and began to hit the covers hearing groans from underneath them. Exhausted she goes down the stairs to the kitchen for a stiff drink where she is shocked to see her husband standing in the kitchen. "Your mom and dad arrived unexpectedly, so I gave them our room. Did you say hello?"

A woman was telling her boyfriend that she always dreamed that she would walk down the aisle with him. So the very next day he took her to the supermarket.

So this guy has the courage -- but not always the skills -- to tackle any home-repair project. For example, his garage was littered with the pieces of a lawn mower he once tried to fix. One day his wife found him in the living room, attacking the vacuum cleaner with a screwdriver. "I can't get this thing to cooperate!" he exclaimed. His wife replied, "Why don't you drag it out to the garage and show it the lawn mower?"

Husband: Tell me what you'd like for your birthday. Wife: Frankly, I'd like a divorce. Husband: Yikes! I wasn't planning on spending that much!

During a 50th anniversary wedding celebration, the father of the bride was asked to give a brief account of the benefits achieved from being married for so long. He stood up, thought for a long moment, then said, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness, and...." he paused. "And?" someone cried out from the back of the room. "... and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single!"

A wife announced to her husband that since today was their 25th wedding anniversary she had been dreaming about pearls, a very strong hint indeed. Her husband replied, "Wait until tonight dear." That evening, after a delicious dinner, he gave her the wedding anniversary gift. A book entitled, "How to Interpret Dreams." That's when the fight started.