Jokes

My wife and I were comparing notes the other day. "I have a higher IQ, did better on my SAT's, and make more money than you," she pointed out. "Yeah, but when you step back and look at the big picture, I’m still ahead," I said. She looked mystified. "How do you figure?" "I married better," I replied.

A husband-and-wife photography team we know shoot their pictures together, do their developing and printing together—in fact, they’re together 24 hours of the day. We wondered how they managed to keep up such good working relations. "Well, frankly," the wife said, "it wouldn’t work out if one of us didn’t have a good disposition." "Which one?" we asked. "Oh," she laughed, "we take turns."

My wife loves sales. She'll buy anything that's marked down. Yesterday she came home with an escalator.

My wife and her friend Karen were talking about their labor-saving devices as they pulled into our driveway. Karen said, “I love my new garage-door opener.” “I love mine too,” my wife replied, and honked the horn three times. That was the signal for me to come out and open the garage.

In the early 1930's, a farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost. "$10 for three minutes," replied the pilot. "That is too much," said the farmer. The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I will make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for three minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. However, if you make a sound, you will have to pay $10." The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man." "Maybe so," said the farmer, "but I have to tell you, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."

I was cleaning a hotel room when the previous occupant came in, looking for her husband’s keys. We searched high and low without luck. I finally peeked underneath the bed closest to the wall. "Don’t bother—that was my bed," she said. "He wouldn’t have gone anywhere near it."

An item for sale on craigslist.... "Antique sewing table refinished by my wife, $30. [If she’s home, $100.]"

My grandmother told me how she ended up marrying Grandpa. She was in her 20's, and the man she was dating left for war. "We were in love," she recalled, "and wrote to each other every week. It was during that time that I discovered how wonderful your grandfather was." "Did you marry Grandpa when he came home from the war?" I asked. "Oh, I didn’t marry the man who wrote the letters. Your grandfather was the mailman."

As I picked out flowers for my mother, I noticed a man next to me juggling three boxes of candy and a large bouquet. "What did you do wrong?" I said with a laugh. He mumbled back, "I got married."

The photographer was positioning my new husband and me for 
our wedding photos when he asked, “Have you ever modeled?” My cheeks instantly turned red. “No, I haven’t,” I said. “But I always thought …” The photographer interrupted me, “I meant him.”

Wife: "You remember when you bought me this blue dress?" Husband: "I don't remember." Wife: "It was on my birthday! And this red gown?" Husband: "On your birthday?" Wife: "No... on our anniversary! Don't you remember?" Husband: "Honey, I'm not good at remembering colors or dresses. I better at remembering prices, those I remember very well!"

The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution: "You do not want to try these techniques at home!" "Why not?" asked a man from the audience. "After years of not paying attention, I suddenly noticed my wife's routine at breakfast," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets; often she carried just a single item at a time. So I asked her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once? It'd be much more efficient.'" "Well, did your suggestions save much time?" the attendee asked. "Actually, yes," the efficiency expert responded. "It used to take her twenty minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven."

I was stunned last night when my wife told me I was too wrapped up in myself.... When did I get a wife?

A man had been in a meeting that lasted all afternoon and as he walked out, he was tired and just wanted to go home. He reached into his coat pocket and realized his car keys were missing. He looked around but could not find his keys. He went outside to look in the car and discovered his car was gone too. His car had been stolen. So he called the police, they came and took a report, and then the man called his wife to see if she would be able to come pick him up. She answered the phone and he told her the upsetting news. "Honey, you’re not going to believe this but my car was stolen while I was in the meeting." There was a long pause, "I dropped you off at your meeting today. I have the car!" she said. "Oh, that's right! I can't believe I forgot that. I'm glad the car is okay. Well, will you still come back and pick me up?" She said, "Yes, of course I will. As soon as I convince this cop the car is not stolen."

A husband and wife entered a dentist's office. The wife said, “I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or novocaine because I am in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible.” “You are a brave woman,” said the dentist. “Now, show me which tooth it is.” The wife turns to her husband and says, “Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear.”

An older couple was asking for a room with a king, queen or double bed. The clerk apologized and said that the only rooms available had twin beds. Disappointed, the man remarked, "I don't know. We've been sharing the same bed for 44 years." "Could you possibly put them close together?" the wife asked. Several people nearby smiled, and someone commented, "How romantic." Then the woman finished her request with, "Because if he snores, I want him close enough to be able to elbow him."

I feel safe sharing secrets with my husband, as I know he will not share them with anyone. How can I be so sure? Because he never listens to me.

“That’s a nice plant,” said a woman at the florist’s shop, pointing to the flower I was buying. “Yeah, my wife and I had an argument,” I admitted. “I was going to buy her a dozen roses, but I don’t think she’s THAT mad at me.”

On their 25th wedding anniversary, a husband took his wife out to dinner. Their teenage daughters said they'd have dessert waiting for them when they returned. After the couple got home, they saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles, and there was a note that read: "Your dessert is in the refrigerator. We are staying with friends, so go ahead and do something we wouldn't do!" "I suppose," the husband responded, "we could vacuum."

The widow requested that her husband's grave be dug 20 feet deep. "Deep down he was a good man," she explained.

One of my daughter's wedding presents was a toaster oven. Soon after the honeymoon, she and her husband tried it out. Almost immediately, smoke billowed out of the toaster. "Get the owner's manual!" my daughter's husband shouted. "I can't find it anywhere!" cried my daughter a short time later. "Oops!" came a voice from the kitchen. "Well, the toast is fine, but the owner's manual's burned to a crisp."

Behind every successful man there is a strong, supportive woman... and a very surprised mother-in-law!

Two circus acrobats got married... They just FLIPPED over each other!

The wife, whose husband has a collection of guitars, was before the judge after smashing every single one of them. The judge ask s, "First offender?" She replied, "No, your honor. First a Gibson, second a Fender."

Two newlyweds quickly realized their marriage wasn't working and filed for a divorce. The judge asked them what the problem was. The husband replied, "In the five weeks that we've been together, we haven't been able to agree on a single thing." The judge turned to the wife, "Have you anything to say?" She answered, "It's been six weeks, your honor."

Wife: “You told me so many bad things in your sleep last night!” Husband: “Who said I was asleep?"

A husband and wife were at the mall when they got separated. The wife calls him on her cell phone. "Where are you?" she asks. "Well, do you remember the store when we were first married and you were looking at a beautiful ring in the jewelry store window, but we could not afford it?" "Yes", she replies, excited to think about what he was about to say, a tear forming in her eyes. "Great, I am at the sports store right next to it."

Husband: Look dear, I just bought us one of those plug in air fresheners. But for some reason it's not working. Wife: It's not plugged in. Husband: You mean I have to plug it in for it to start freshening the air? Wife: It's a plug in air freshener. How can it work if you don't plug it in? Husband: It makes no scents!

My husband was trying to embarrass me at a party by carrying on about all the stuff women carry in their purses. Instead of blushing I said, “You’re right. There IS too much stuff in my purse.” So, I removed his wallet, cigarettes, lighter, and car keys and handed them to him. When he asked what he was supposed to do with them, I smile and said, “Get your own purse!”

Wife: "No, I'm telling you, I'm right! He couldn't eat the Trix because he was an adult rabbit and Trix were only supposed to be for kids." Husband: "Well, I always thought it was just because he was a rabbit and not a person." [A period of silence -- the wife looks down at her food.] Husband: "What's wrong?" Wife: "I'm just really getting tired of you always being wrong."