Jokes

Jim decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning his golf shoes. His wife was standing there watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit golfing. Maybe you should sell your golf clubs." Jim gets this horrified look on his face. She says, "Darling, what's wrong?" ”There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife.” "Ex-wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!" "I wasn't."

After a tiring day at work, a husband was able to sneak out an hour early. He just wanted to get home and lie down in bed next to his wife. He gets home and slides into bed next to his sleeping wife. But then he hears a sound coming from underneath. He puts his hand under the bed, expecting to feel the wet nose or tongue of his dog Buddy. He asks, "Is that you, Buddy?" His hand gets licked and then he hears, "Yes, it's me, Buddy."

Husband: Today is our wedding anniversary, where do you want me to take you? Wife: Take me some place I have never seen before! Husband: Then I shall take you to the kitchen!

Bob was in his usual place, sitting at the table, reading the news. He came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a man who was known primarily for his bad behavior and lack of good manners. He turned to his wife with a look of bewilderment on his face. "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives." His wife replies, "Why, thank you, dear!"

Today was a really bad day for me... FIRST, my ex got run over by a bus. SECOND, I lost my job as a bus driver.

Son to Dad: "What's the difference between an Egyptian mummy and our mummy?" Dad to Son: It's simple son. When we see an Egyptian mummy, you get fear. But when we see your mummy, then I get fear!"

Need Some Drama in your life? Go to a stranger’s wedding and scream, "Don’t Marry I Still Love You!" and then watch the reactions.

When I got married twenty years ago my father advised me to keep a journal of the things which were important to my wife. I did this and boy has it come in handy. Just the other day she asked, "How many times do I need to tell you that?" I looked it up and sure enough 14 years ago she casually mentioned it to me. I'm advising my son to memorize his journal.

My husband and I attended a bridal fair trying to drum up work for his fledgling wedding photography business. One vendor assumed we were engaged and asked when the big day was. "Oh, we’ve been married ten years," I said. "Really?" she asked. "But you look so happy?"

As my sister relaxed on the couch, her head comfortably leaning against the crook of her husband’s arm, her cell phone beeped. She looked at her phone. It was a text message from her husband. The message: "Please Move."

Suspecting he had a serious medical condition, I nagged my husband until he agreed to see a doctor. Once there, he was handed a mountain of forms to fill out. Next to 'Reason for visit' he wrote, "My wife made me."

An old woman goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse she has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Perhaps, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old woman says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

When I announced that I was getting married, my excited mother said, “You have to have the rehearsal dinner someplace opulent, where there’s dancing.” My father, seeing where this was heading, said, “I’ll pay you a thousand dollars to elope.” “And you have to have a breakfast, for the people who are coming from out of town.” “Two thousand.” “We’ll need a photographer. Oh, and what colors do you want for the reception?” “Five thousand!” We eloped to Spain.

A confused man told his friend, "I don't get it. My wife says she only has two complaints... nothing to wear and not enough closet space."

I work for a security company that transports cash, and part of my job is to work with police if a crew is robbed. One afternoon my wife and I were packing to move, when I received a call to report to a crime scene. "I have to go," I told my wife. "Two of our guards have been held up at gunpoint at a superstore." As I dashed out the door, she called, "While you’re there, pick up some big cardboard boxes."

Once upon a time there was a woman married to an annoying man. He complained about everything. One day he went to the creek with his mule and as he went, he complained so much that the mule got annoyed and kicked him to death. At the funeral, as men walked by, the wife shook her head "yes". Every time women walked by, she shook her head "no". The minister asked, ''Why are you shaking your head 'yes' for men and 'no' for women?'' Her response was, ''When the men walk by saying how sorry they feel for me, I respond saying, 'Yes, I'll be alright.' When the women walk by, they keep asking if the mule is for sale."

Studying our wedding photos, my six-year-old asked, “Did you marry Dad because he was good-looking?” “Not really,” I replied. “Did you marry him for his money?” “Definitely not,” I laughed. “He didn’t have any.” “So,” he said, “you just felt sorry for him?”

As I stepped out of the shower, I heard someone in my kitchen downstairs. Knowing that my wife was out, I grabbed my 1903 heirloom rifle—which no longer works—and crept downstairs, forgetting the fact that I was in my birthday suit. I came around the corner with the gun raised, only to find my wife loading the dishwasher. “What are you doing?” she asked. “I thought I heard an intruder. 
I came down to scare him.” Scanning the contours of my doughy, naked body, she mumbled, “You didn’t need the gun.”

My client buys many rental properties, not always with the 
enthusiastic support of his wife. Recently, I was showing him a home when his wife called. I could hear her ask what he was doing. “The real estate agent and I are having an affair,” he answered. “Oh, thank God,” she said. “I thought she was selling you another house.”

My young son declared, “When 
I grow up, I’m going to marry you, Mommy.” “You can’t marry your own mother,” said his older sister. “Then I’ll marry you.” “You can’t marry me either.” He looked confused, so I explained, “You can’t marry someone in your own family.” “You mean I have to marry a total stranger?!?!” he cried.

After we had lunch with another couple, the girls went shopping, and the guys opted to go sailing. Bad decision as a storm blew in while us guys were out on the water. Making matters worse, the tide had gone out, grounding the boat. We had to climb overboard and shove it back into deep water. As my friend stood there, ankles deep in muck, muscles straining against the weight of the boat, and rain pelting his face, he grinned broadly and with unmistakable sincerity said, "Sure beats shopping!"

A soldier in my National Guard platoon became concerned when the Army insisted that he sign up for direct deposit. "It’s not going to work for me," he said, panicked. "Why not?" I asked. "Because I use my Guard pay for spending money." "So?" "For the past ten years, I’ve been telling my wife that I serve for free!"

I’d noticed that my 60-year-old father seemed to be losing his hearing, so I mentioned it to my mother. "Things haven’t changed that much," she said. "Only difference is, before, he didn’t listen. Now, he can’t."

Mr. and Mrs. Smith were always fighting. Then one morning as Mrs. Smith was driving around town, running some errands, her car was crashed into by a hit and run driver at a relatively low speed. A police officer rushed up and asked her if she'd taken the car's number. "I didn't need to," replied Mrs. Smith. "It was my husband in that car." "Did you see him?" asked the officer. "No," said Mrs. Smith, "but I'd recognize that laugh anywhere."

A couple was relating their vacation experiences to a friend. "It sounds as if you had a great time in Texas," the friend observed. "But didn't you tell me you were planning to visit Colorado?" "Well," the husband said, "we changed our plans because, uh..." His wife cut in, "Oh, tell the truth, Fred!" Fred was completely silent. After a long pause, the wife continued, "You know, it's just ridiculous! Fred simply will not use any navigation devices or ask for directions!"

Feeling listless, I bought some expensive "brain-stimulating" pills at the health food store. But it wasn’t until I got home that I read the label. "This is just rosemary extract," I complained to my husband. "I can’t believe I spent all that money for something that I have growing wild in the yard!" "See?" he said. "You’re smarter already."

There are women whose thoughtful husbands buy them flowers for no reason. And then there’s me. One day I couldn’t stand it any longer. "Why don’t you ever bring me flowers?" I asked. "What’s the point?" my husband said. "They die after about a week." "So could you," I shot back, "but I still like having you around."

My wife and I were having a very hypothetical discussion... In the unlikely event that Hollywood made a movie based on our lives, we wondered what stars would play us. "Who would you pick to portray you?" she asked me. I thought about it for a minute, then answered, "George Clooney." "In that case," she said, "I’ll play myself."

When we finished a personality assessment at work, I asked my friend Dan if he would share the results with his wife. "That would require me to go home and say, ‘Hi, honey. I just paid someone $400 to tell me what’s wrong with me,’" he said. "What's wrong with that?" I asked. "Well, based on that, and considering we’ve been married 23 years, she’d probably hand me a bill for $798,000."

My mother, a meticulous housekeeper, often lectured my father about tracking dirt into the house. One day he came in to find her furiously scrubbing away at a spot on the floor and launching into a lecture. "I don’t know what you’ve brought in," she said, "but I can’t seem to get this out." He studied the situation for a moment and, without a word, moved a figurine on the window-sill where the sun was streaming in. The spot immediately disappeared.