Jokes

‘Cant’ believe my horse came first yesterday!!’ ‘Dad, how many times have I told you i’m not interested in your’s and Camilla’s bedroom antics!’

A young teacher explains to her class of third graders that she is a born-again Christian. She asks the class if any of them are born-again Christians too. Not really knowing what it means to be born-again, but wanting to please and impress their teacher, many little hands suddenly shot up into the air. There's just one girl who doesn't raise her hand. So the teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. The girl says, "Because I'm not a Christian." The teacher asks, "So what are you then? " The girl replies, "I'm an atheist." The teacher's a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks the girl why she's an atheist. The girl says, "It's just that my family isn't religious. My Mom's atheist, and my Dad's atheist, so I'm atheist."rnrnThe teacher is now angry. " That's no reason." she says loudly. "What if your Mom was a moron, and your Dad was a moron. What would you be then?" "Then," says the girl, "I'd be a born-again Christian."

Chuck Norris doesn't ask, "who's your daddy?" Chuck Norris is your daddy.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did

Chuck Norris didn't have a mum or dad, he created himself.

Son: "Dad, when will I be old enough so I don't have to ask mom for her permission to go out?" Dad: "Son, even I haven't grown old enough to go out without her permission!"

Ben: "Dad, there is a hole in my shoe." Dad: "Yes, Ben, that's where you put your foot."

Son: "Dad, there is someone at the door to collect donations for a community swimming pool." Father: "Okay, give him a glass of water."

My dad finally left me a voicemail where he didn't introduce himself. I think we're getting closer.

What do I say if a Mexican walks by me and daddy? Say "Here are the tacos."

Mrs Laura a kindergarten teacher asked her class "what things we can eat?" "Bread" "Yes" "Hamburger" "Ok" A five years girl answered "Light", "Omg" shouted the teacher, "how can light be eaten?" "Last night I heared mom whispering to dad 'turn the light off and put it in my mouth'".

The following conversation took place in school. Teacher: "So we are all descended from Adam and Eve." Young kid: "My dad says we came from apes." Teacher: "That's probably true for your family Abdul."

I traded my Wifey for Wi-Fi! I'm now a refurbished Daddyrn@onlylebtim.

Sure, white people can't say the "N word" but at least we can say phrases like, "Thanks for the warning, Officer" and, "Hey, Dad."

My old Granddad was mugged in the park last week, punched in the face and his wallet stolen. The police arrived and took a description of the attacker alongside other details. “How much cash was in your wallet, sir?” asked the police officer. “£800,” said Granddad. “OK, sir,” said the police officer as he was leaving, “we’ll let you know if we find out anything.” Granddad, I said, where did you get 800 pounds ? You don’t have that kind of money. I know, said Granddad, but if they catch the cunt it’s my word against his.

My dad told me that my great grandfather knew the exact hour of the exact day of the exact year he was going to die. I said, “that’s amazing how the hell did he know all that?” My dad replied, “the judge told him.”

What did the gangster’s son tell his dad when he failed his examination? ” Dad, they questioned me for 3 hours, but I never told them anything !! “

Three guys, a Canadian, Osama Bin Laden, and Uncle Sam were walking together one day. They came across a lantern and a genie popped out. “I will give you each one wish, that’s three wishes total." The Canadian said, “I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada. I'm a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will someday be a farmer." So with a blink of the genies eye *POOF, the land was forever fertile. Osama bin Laden says, “I want a wall completely surrounding Afghanistan so that no Infidels, Jews, or Americans can get in." Again with a blink of the genies eye *POOF, there was a wall around Afghanistan. Uncle Sam asks, “I’m curious about this wall, please tell me more." "Well" says the genie, “the wall is about 15,000 feet high and 500 feet thick, it is practically impenetrable." So Uncle Sam says, “Fill it with water."

yo mamma so ugly when she was born her mom said oh what a treasure! dad: yes! let's go bury it

Dad: "Can I see your report card, son?" Son: "I don't have it." Dad: "Why?" Son: "I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents."

Did you know Danny Welbeck’s dad was a bomb disposal expert. His name was Stan Welbeck.

A boy goes to the drug store with his dad and sees the condom display. Boy: "Dad, why do they do packs of one condom?" Dad: "Those are for the high-schoolers for Friday nights." Boy: "So, why do they make packs of three?" Dad: "For the college guys for Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights." Boy: "Then why do they make packs of 12?" Dad: "Those are for married couples -- you know, January, February, March."

dad: son get me a drink! son: juice or pepsi? dad: pepsi son: hot or cold? dad: cold! son: sweet or salty? dad: damn it just get me water! son: still or mineral? dad: MINERAL! son: minty or normal? dad: im gonna kill you! son: head or body? dad: head! son: shotgun or knife? dad: $%&?!)$&*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Little Johnny once asked his teacher "Do hearts have legs?." The teacher answered "Why do you ask that?" Johnny replied "Yesterday, I heard my dad say sweetheart open your legs.". By -arthur

Little Johnny walks into his dad's bedroom and sees him sliding on a condom. His father tries to hide it by bending over, as if to look under the bed. Little Johnny asks curiously, "What are you doing, Dad?" His father quickly replies, "I thought I saw a mouse go underneath the bed." Little Johnny replies, "What are you gonna do -- screw him?"

An Irish daughter had not been home for over five years. Upon her return, her father cursed her. Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru? The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute..." "Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family." "OK, Dad -- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million." "For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club... (takes a breath)... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and..." "Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad. Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff. "Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug."

My dad drives so slow that when we're on the highway, Amish people give us the finger.

As soon as that baby hits, you get these scary mailings that says stuff like, 'Congratulations, new dad! Now, what about life insurance, disability, college fund? What if they get sick, Dad? Think of the future, Dad.' So I did -- I got a vasectomy.

My Dad: People overcome adversity all the time son… Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?

When I was a kid, my family was very poor… One afternoon I remember my dad was preparing supper and was cutting up Onions and our whole family was crying. Poor Onions. He was such a good dog…