Jokes

Why are men with pierced ears well prepared for marriage? Because they have already experienced pain and bought jewelry.

I was married by a judge... I should have asked for a jury.

Moe: "My wife converted me to religion." Joe: "Really?" Moe: "Yes. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."

It was a sunny morning and I found a pretty red rose with a long stem on the kitchen table. I was wondering how after all these years of marriage, my husband could still be so romantic There was a small love note placed next to it. It read – “Darling, please DO NOT touch the rose. I am using it’s stem to unclog the drain.”

After Pablo and Marta got into an argument, she left for her mother’s home. Pablo called her mother’s home after a few days but his mother-in-law said that Marta was in no mood to talk to him. A few more days went by and Pablo called again only to be greeted by the same reply. He called again after a couple of days and the mother-in-law said to him, “Why do you keep calling when you know the answer?” Pablo replied, “Because I love to hear it again and again. It’s music to my ears.”

My wife has not spoken to me in three days. I think it has something to do with what happened on Sunday night when she thought she heard a noise downstairs. She nudged me and whispered, "Wake up, wake up!" "What's the matter?" I asked. "There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they're eating the tuna casserole I made tonight." "That'll teach them!" I replied.

A young gentleman in a jewelry store looking at engagement rings. The sales clerk walks over and asks, "May I give you a hand with something?" He replied, "No thanks, I already have her hand... now I just need THE SOMETHING!"

My television set broke so I was forced to rely on the lost art of conversation with the wife at dinner... "Have you seen the iPad, love?"

Husband: "I wish to be the Prime Minister of the nation one day." Wife: "But you already are the PM of a nation." Husband: "Really, which nation?" Wife: "The Imagi-nation."

My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage. He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my mom would be like. It seems the minister asked my mom, "Do you take this man to be your husband?" and she said, "I do." Then the minister asked my Dad, "Do you take this woman to be your wife?" and my mom said, "He does."

Guy tells his wife: For your birthday, how about a new car? Wife: No. Guy: How about a new boat? Wife: No. Guy: Well then, what do you want? Wife: I want a divorce. Guy: I wasn’t planning on spending that much money.

Tom tried to clam himself down in the middle of a severe argument with his wife Jany. He said to her, “Let us not fight any more. We should try to sort this out in a level-headed manner.” Fuming with anger, Jany replied, “No. Whenever we try to sort things out in a level-headed manner, I lose!”

A lady with a large flowery hat was stopped at the church door by the usher. "Are you a friend of the bride?" he asked. "Certainly not," she snapped, "I'm the groom's mother."

An important and very well publicized murder trial was soon to begin. In preparation for the trial, the tiresome jury selection process took place, each side hotly contesting and dismissing potential jurors. One prospective juror, Dan O'Keefe, was called for his question session. He was asked, "Property holder?" Dan replied, "Yes, I am, Your Honor." Then he was asked, "Married or single?" Dan responded, "Married for twenty years, Your Honor." Then the judge asked, "Formed or expressed an opinion?" Dan stated with certainty, "Not in twenty years, Your Honor."

A married guy goes for his annual physical and to his shock & dismay the doctor tells him he has only 24 hours to live. He goes home in shock and tells his wife, who makes him his favorite meal. They then go into the bedroom and make love. Around 10 o'clock he says lets do it again and she agrees. Around midnight as his wife is drifting off to sleep he nudges her and says how about one more time. She rolls over and says, "Hey, some of us have to get up for work in the morning."

I told my wife that I wanted to be cremated. So she called and made an appointment for Monday at 2:00 pm.

My neighbor introduced his wife to me by calling her his, "better half." I returned the courtesy by introducing my wife as, "the lesser of two evils."

Did you hear about the 2 hairdressers who got married? They had the perfect family... two boys and one curl!

A young girl was attending her first wedding, watching the proceedings with interest for a while before growing restless. The groom stood at the altar as six bridesmaids walked slowly up the aisle, one by one. Soon, the girl leaned over to her mom and whispered, “Why doesn’t he just hurry up and pick one?”

My son wanted to know what it's like to be married... I told him to leave me alone, and when he did, I asked him why he was ignoring me.

It was a couple's tenth wedding anniversary. The wife offered her husband a cup of coffee and went in to fetch some snacks. As she offered him snacks, he asked, "Where's your cup of coffee?" She replied, "You work hard for us and you make me happy! So you deserve this cup of coffee." The husband held her hands and said, "You have been the driving force behind me. You are my inspiration. Whatever I am today, it's only because, you have been beside me all the time. So you deserve this coffee and thanks for all your love!" He handed her the cup. She sipped the coffee, very much moved by her husband's words. Their maid who witnessed all this, came up to the man the next day and said, "Sir, you are an ideal husband. It's your love for your wife that makes your marriage stronger." The husband understood and said, "Yeah, it's love, but the coffee she made was really disgusting and I couldn't say no. So had to give it back to her."

John: "Do you know why the Bride and many other women cry at weddings?" Fred: "No, why?" John: "It's because the Bride isn't marrying the best man."

Mick and Paddy were working on the building site and stopped to have lunch. They sat on the 3rd floor veranda to eat their sandwiches. Paddy opened his lunch box and said, "I hate egg sandwiches." He then got up and threw them off the site onto the concrete below. Next day, the same thing happened. He looked at his lunch box and said, "I hate egg sandwiches" and threw them over on to the concrete. The third day was similar, so he threw himself over on to the concrete. Mick sent for an ambulance , to take him to hospital and then went to see Paddy's wife. He said, "I'm sorry to tell you this, but Paddy has been taken to hospital." Paddy's wife said, "What happened?" "I think it was your fault." "Why would you say that?" "Well, he said he hated egg sandwiches and threw himself off the balcony on to the concrete." His wife said, "Well don't blame me, he makes his own sandwiches!"

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98. His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?" The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down, and you know men won't ask for directions."

Question: What is Love? Answer: The light of Life! Question: What is Marriage? Answer: The Bill for that Light!

What is the main cause of divorce? Marriage!

Two old ladies meet for the first time since they left school. One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school, did you manage to live a well-planned life?" "Oh yes," said her friend. "My first marriage was to a millionaire, my second to an actor, third to a preacher and I'm now married to an undertaker." Her friend asked, "What do those marriages have to do with a well-planned life?" "One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready and four to go!"

Husband and wife are having a conversation. Wife: "​Since we got married, we don't go out anymore and we never go eat at nice restaurants. You are not romantic anymore. You never say sweet things to me anymore."​ Husband: ​(Chuckling)​ "Oh Darling, don't look too much into it. You know I still love you. But have you ever seen a politician campaigning after winning an election?"

Dressing to go for a party, the husband says, ”My suit looks very shabby, and not appealing." His wife replies, being supportive of course, "Don't worry about it, no one is going to be looking at you anyway."

If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono... If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali... If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, she'd be Cat Doggy Dogg... If Sandra Locke married Elliott Ness, divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she would become Sondra Locke Ness Munster... If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting... If Ivana Trump married Orson Bean, King Oscar, Louis Mayer, Norbert Wiener, the she'd be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener... And, if Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced and married Gregory Peck, Divorced him for Ben Hur, he'd be Woody Wood Peck Hur!!!