Jokes

Therapist: "So why do you want to end your marriage?" Wife: "I hate the constant star wars puns." Husband: "Divorce is strong with this one!"

If during the wedding ceremony, the man standing to the groom is called best man... How come the woman next to the bride is only a maid?

My husband was going on a diet, but when we pulled into a fast-food restaurant, he ordered a milkshake. I pointed out that a shake isn't exactly the best snack for someone who wants to lose weight. He agreed, but he didn't change his order. The long line must have given him time to make the connection between his order and his waistline. As the woman handed him his shake, she said, "Sorry about the wait." "That's okay," he replied. "I'm going to lose it."

A newly married sailor was informed by the navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Pacific for a year. A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter. “My love," he wrote “we are going to be apart for a very long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and there's really not much to do here in the evenings. Besides that we're constantly surrounded by young attractive native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not tempted?" So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying, "Why don't you learn to play this?" Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife. "Darling" he said, "I can't wait to get you into bed so that we make passionate love!" "First let's see you play that harmonica!"

My husband told me that I am one of the eight wonders of the world... I warned him not to let me catch him with any of the other seven!!!

My friend was telling me the other day that his wife's intuition is so highly developed that she knows he's wrong before he says anything.

A well-dressed man approached a woman at a health food store and in a clipped British accent asked her exactly what she did with the tofu in her basket. She said she normally puts it in the refrigerator, looks at it for several weeks and then throws it away. The man replied, "That's exactly what my wife does with it. I was hoping you had a better recipe."

A man entered a stationery store and asked the clerk for a birthday/anniversary card. The clerk replied, "We have birthday cards and we have anniversary cards. Why not take one of each?" The man said, "You don't understand. I need a card that covers both events! You see, we're celebrating the fifth anniversary of my wife's thirty-fourth birthday."

It's not true that married men live longer than single men... It only seems longer!

It was a very emotional wedding... Even the cake was in tiers!

A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?" "Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I would have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!"

A friend of mine was having a bit of marital-tension in his household and was trying to figure out just what to do about it. In the course of our conversation, I said to him, "You know, quite often God speaks to us through our wives." My friend looked at me and said, "Oh yeah? Well I'm pretty sure God doesn't use that kind of language!"

I gave my father $100 and said, “Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.” So he went out and bought a present for my mother.

Husband and wife were having a discussion about their in-laws. The wife declares that she "hates" her in-laws. The husband replies, "I like your mother-in-law more than I like mine!"

A married couple was vacationing in Yosemite. The wife expressed her concern about camping because of bears and said she would feel more comfortable in a motel. The husband said that he'd like to camp. To calm her concerns, he suggested they talk to the park ranger to see what the likelihood of a bear encounter would be. The ranger told them, "Well, we haven't seen any grizzlies in this area so far this year, or black bears, for that matter." The wife shrieked, "There are TWO types of bears out here? How can you tell the difference? Which one is more dangerous?" The ranger replied, "Well, that's easy -- see, if the bear chases you up a tree and it comes up after you, it's a BLACK bear. If it SHAKES the tree until you fall out, it's a grizzly." The motel room was quite nice.

A man and his wife were walking by a lovely looking restaurant when his wife excitingly said, "What a gorgeous smell coming from this restaurant!" Being kindhearted he agreed with her and thought, "What the heck, I'll treat her!" And so they walked by the restaurant again!

As he was standing in line at the grocery store checkout counter, a friend of John's noticed he was purchasing a dozen roses and a card. "You in trouble with Jill?" the friend asked John. "Nope!" was John's reply. "Preventive maintenance."

A woman visited a psychic of some local repute. In a dark and gloomy room, gazing at the Tarot cards laid out before her, the Tarot reader delivered the bad news: "There is no easy way to say this so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent death this year." Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the psychic's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the Tarot reader's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I get away with it?"

My mother-in-law is like a fine French Impressionist painting... She's very lovely but is best appreciated at a distance.

Wife: "I lost my keys again." Husband: "It's in your jeans." Wife: "Don't drag my family into this!"

Husband's note on refrigerator to his wife: "Someone from the Guyna Colleges called. They said the Pabst beer is normal. I didn't know you liked beer?"

At 8 p.m. one night, a pilot who had run out of fuel made an emergency landing at a top secret government base. He was quickly surrounded by security and taken inside to be interrogated. The interrogation was grueling because they wanted to make sure it was an unplanned landing and he was not a spy. The interrogation lasted all night. At 6 a.m. they refueled his plane and let him go with his promise never to return. Four hours later he returned and landed again. Security met him on the runway. They asked him why he had come back. "I know I promised never to return but I brought my wife and now you have to tell her where I was all night..."

WIFE: "You look tired, honey. How about a nice steak, mashed potatoes and an apple pie for dessert?" HUSBAND: "No thanks. I'm too tired. Lets just eat at home."

A young couple were having their first fight, and it was a big one. After a while the husband said, "Do you happen to remember your wedding vows from when we got married?" His bride replied: "Yeah, yeah, whatever. I didn't want to start an argument in front of all those people at the wedding."

The homeowner got into his old work clothes one Saturday morning and set about all the chores his wife had been urging him to do all week. He cleaned the garage, pruned the hedge, and was halfway through mowing the lawn when a woman pulled up in the driveway and called out her window, "Say, what do you get for yard work?" The fellow thought for a moment and then answered, "The lady who lives here lets me live with her."

My wife asked me before going to the hairdressers, "What cut do you think would make me more attractive?" "A power cut" was apparently the wrong answer.

One night at the dinner table, the wife commented, "When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller. You don't love me any more?" "Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you just cook better now."

My sister has been divorced 3 times and is in a new relationship, so her attorney gave her a reward card. The next divorce is on the house.

Lately my wife has been telling me, when she gets out of bed, she has a headache... Maybe I should tell her to get out of bed feet first.

Wife: "Do you want to eat something?" Me: "Maybe, what are the options?" Wife: "Yes or no!"