Jokes

I was struggling to get my wife’s attention? So I simply sat down and looked comfortable. That did the trick.

A young man was sitting next to me in one of the two chairs provided for men outside the ladies fitting room in our local department store. After 30 minutes and 6 changes of outfits, the fellow's wife came out of the changing room one more time. He looked at her and immediately said, "That looks great on you! Get that one." "Honey," she replied, "this is what I was wearing when we came in."

As I grew a beard my wife said, "That beard looks ugly." I replied, "I'm growing a beard to keep the girls away." She laughed, "There aren't any girls around." "There," I quipped, "it's working already."

My husband made me mad today so I poured some water in front of the washer. He’s been in there for 2 hours trying to fix the washer.

A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and dropped in a coin. "Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover." "Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."

On his way out of church, Frank stopped at the door to speak to the minister. "Would it be right," he asked, "for a person to profit from the mistakes of another?" "Absolutely not!" replied the pastor. "In that case," said the young man, "I wonder if you'd consider returning the hundred dollars I paid you to marry my wife and me last July?"

"What did you buy your husband for his birthday?" "Well, knowing he wanted a journal, I bought him one that locked since he's so particular about his notes." "And surely you bought something for yourself too?" "Oh, of course! I made myself a duplicate key."

I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me... The second one didn't!

Busy in the yard one afternoon, my father paused to admire our neighbor's new boat. "Sure is a beauty, Charles," Dad said. Knowing that Charles was conservative when it came to spending money, my father asked, "Was it expensive?" "The boat itself wasn't so bad," Charles replied. "But the extras really hurt." "You mean things like water skis, life jackets, and trailer?" my father asked. "No," our neighbor said with a sigh. "I mean what the wife wanted - the new carpet, the kitchen cabinets, and the cabin room furniture."

In my Sunday school class the focus was marriage or divorce, "The rapidly increasing divorce rate," remarked one member of the group, "indicates that America is indeed becoming the land of the free." "Yes," replied the prosaic friend, "but the continued marriage rate suggests that America is still the home of the brave."

Husband: “Call 911 quick, I think I’m having a heart attack!“ The wife picked up his cell phone to call. She said, “Give me your password!” Husband: "Never mind, I’m feeling much better now."

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man. "This young man agreed to marry my daughter," said one. "No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other. And so they began arguing until the King called for silence. "Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young man in half. Each of you shall receive a half." "Sounds good to me," said the first lady. But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him." The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The man must marry the first woman's daughter," he proclaimed. "But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court. "Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law!"

A friend of mine recently announced that he was going to marry a widow. A member of the group indicated that he would not like being the second husband of a widow. My friend replied, "I would rather be the second husband of a widow rather than the first."

During the vows at the wedding the minister asks the bride to be, "Do you take this man to be your wedded husband for better or worse?" The bride answers, "Just as he is Father. If he gets any better, I know the Lord will take him, and if he gets any worse, I'll tend to him myself."

Woman Friend: "No wonder Edith won't look at you. It's your fault. You act like a fool, fawning and cringing before her. Its like you don't care to call your soul your own." Mr. Wormley: "Don't women like that kind of thing?" Woman Friend: "Well, not until after marriage."

A woman in my office recently divorced after years of marriage, had signed up for a refresher CPR course. "Is it hard to learn?" someone asked. "Not at all," my co-worker replied. "Basically you're asked to breathe life into a dummy. I don't expect to have any problem. I did that for 12 years."

For years my sister’s husband tried unsuccessfully to persuade her to get a hearing aid. “How much do they cost?” she asked one day after he had pitched the idea to her again. “They’re usually about $3000,” he said. “Okay, well if you say something worth $3000,” she replied, “I’ll get one.”

When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child. The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this: "Some parents," she said, "tell the older child, 'We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.' But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'" One of the women spoke up immediately. "Does she cook???"

Bill's second anniversary was coming up and his wife Suzy had recently been upset about how much time he spent at the office. He needed a thoughtful gift to show her how much he cared. Bill asked all of his clients and co-workers what would be a good anniversary present, and he eventually settled on a huge bouquet of flowers. He wasn't sure he could pick the right flowers by himself, so he called a local florist and asked them to create a big, beautiful bouquet to be delivered the next morning with the following note "Happy Anniversary! Year Number Two!" The following morning, Bill received an angry phone call from his wife Suzy. "What is this all about?!" she demanded. Bill was perplexed. He thought she would love the flowers. "What's the matter with it, dear?" he asked. She read the card aloud to him. "Happy Anniversary! Your number two!"

"Last week a grain of sand got into my wife's eye and she had to go to the doctor. It cost me fifty dollars." "That's nothing, last week a fur got in my wife's eye and it cost me five hundred dollars."

After a round of golf two guys, one a newlywed, were at the 19th hole talking about the recent marriage. First golfer: "You say you are your wife's third husband?" Newlywed: "No, I am her fourth husband." First golfer: "Heavens man, you are not a husband, you are a habit."

Neighbors of ours had a terrible disagreement over a patio they wanted for their backyard. The wife had rather grand ideas, while the husband wanted costs kept to a minimum. The wife won out, and the construction bill climbed higher and higher. I dropped by one day, when the patio was near completion, and was surprised to find the husband smiling from ear to ear as the workmen smoothed over the surface. I remarked how nice it was to see a grin replace the frown he had been wearing lately. "You see where they're smoothing that cement?" he replied. "I just threw my wife's credit cards in there.

Seeing her friend Marcia wearing a new locket, Ashley asks if there is a memento of some sort inside. “Yes,” says Marcia, “a lock of my husband’s hair.” “But Larry’s still alive?” “I know, but his hair is gone.”

Trying to disguise his voice, Carl calls his ex-wife and asks to speak to himself. Jody, his former wife says, "Carl, look, we are not married anymore -- quit bothering me!" The next day, Carl calls again, resulting in the same sequence of events. The following day though when he calls, his ex-wife says, "Listen. I told you we're divorced, split, it's over -- period! We're divorced. Why do you keep calling here?" "Well Jody, it's just that I can't hear that often enough."

Deciding to give his wife a pleasant surprise, the husband took home some flowers and a box of candy. "Hazel, you look tired," he said to his wife. "Slip on your best outfit and lets go out to eat." Hazel bursts into tears. "It was bad enough to have the baby fall down the back steps and burn my hand in the kitchen," she sobbed, "but to have you come home intoxicated is just too much!"

A girl asked an old bachelor friend whether he had been disappointed in love? "No, I never was exactly disappointed in love. I was what you might call discouraged. You see, when I was very young I became much enamored with a young lady of my acquaintance. I was mortally afraid to tell her of my feelings, but at last I got the courage to the proposing point. I said 'Let's get married!'" "And what did she say? "She said, 'Good Lord, Who'd have us.'"

Little Johnny's homework assignment was about The War of 1776. As Johnny was doing his homework he asked his father, "Who was it that said 'we haven't started to fight yet'?" "A bride and groom, still on their honeymoon I guess," growled his dad.

A man was watching TV and enjoying a beer. "Don't go," he yelled at the screen. "Do not enter that building. Walk away. Argh, you stupid man!" His wife called from the kitchen, "What on earth are you watching?" "Our wedding video."

It’s been raining for days now and my husband seems very depressed by it... He keeps standing by the window, staring. If it continues, I’m going to have to let him in.

Husband: "Now that we are married, perhaps I might venture to point out a few of your little defects." Wife: "Don't bother, dear. I'm quite aware of them. It was those little defects that prevented me from getting a much better man than you."