Jokes

Girl: Baby I want to ask you something. Boy: Ask me for anything, I will do it for you, you are my heaven and earth. Girl: Can u kill a lion 4 me? Boy: Are u sick? How can I kill a lion for you? Please ask for something else. Girl: OK, let me go through the messages on your phone. Boy: hmmmmm. Where is the lion you want me to kill?

My girlfriend told me I was one in a million. When I looked through her text messages, I had to admit she was right.

Question: What did the bride give to the groom that loves onions? Answer: Onion Ring!

Boy: Ah, finally, I've waited so long. Girl: You want me to leave? Boy: No. I dare to not even think about it. Girl: Do you love me? Boy: Of course. Lots! Girl: Have you ever cheated on me? Boy: No! Why are you asking me? Girl: Will you kiss me? Boy: Every time I get the chance! Girl: Will you ever hit me? Boy: Are you crazy? Of course not! Girl: Can I trust you? Boy: Yes. Girl: Darling? Now Read it Backwards!

A couple are sitting in their living room, sipping wine. Out of the blue, the wife says, “I love you!” “Is that you or the wine talking?” asks the husband. “It’s me,” says the wife. “Talking to the wine.”

A man has a curse, he is only able to say a single word every year. But if he doesn't say a word that year he can say two the next year, then three, and so on. One day he meets a beautiful woman and wants to ask her to marry him, but he has no words saved up so he must wait four years. So he waits four years and he is finally able to ask her the question. He looks her in the eyes and says "Will you marry me?" She looks back at him with a smile and twinkle in her eye and replies "Come again?"

I want to feel your sweet embrace but don't take that paper bag off your face!

Question What is love and explain in details ? (16 Marks) Arts Student: Answer: Love is life. (Marks : 5 out of 16) Law Student: Answer : Love is pain. (Marks : 5 out of 16) Medical Student: Answer : Love is god. (Marks : 5 out of 16) EngineeringStudent: Answer : - Definition: A serious disorder of heart due to relationship between men & women that can cause death of 1 or both depending on the resistance associated. - TYPES: 1 sided & 2 sided - AGE: Usually occurs in teenagers but nowadays can be found in any age. - SYMPTOMS: Tension Daydreaming Insomnia Phone Addiction - DIAGNOSIS BY: Diary Photos Mobile - TREATMENT: Anti-LOVE therapy by Father's Shoe or Mother's Sandal. (marks 16 out of 16 ) - Excellent! ______________________ NOTE :- Don't ask engineering students, they can stretch any thing for 16 marks!

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, the son volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates." About a week later, his roommate came to him saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." He sat down and wrote : Dear Mother: I'm not saying that you 'did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the silver plate .. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Your son Several days later, he received an email from his Mother which read: Dear Son: I'm not saying that you DO sleep with your roommate, and I'm not saying that you DO NOT sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now, under the pillow… Love, Mom

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbour says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’ ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?’ The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’

Girl friend (whilst having a romantic dinner at a restaurant): "Say something which spurs my heart-beat" Boy-Friend: "I forgot to bring any money"

We got married for better or worse... He couldn't do any better and I couldn't do any worse.

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you that we found your wife at the bottom of the ocean. She had passed away. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her backside was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000. Please advise." The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."

Mary Jane: "Your husband's birthday is coming up. What are you getting him?" Wife: "Oh, 100 of his favorite cigars." Mary Jane: "What did you pay for them?" Wife: "Nothing! For the last few months I have taken one or two from his box daily. He has not noticed and will be delighted with my ability in getting the kind he always smoked."

My wife said last night: "You treat our marriage like it's some sort of game." Unfortunately, this cost her 12 points and a bonus chance.

I hate it when my wife says, "Are you listening to me?!" Such a random way to start a conversation.

Prior to our wedding, David and I met with the minister to discuss our marriage ceremony and various traditions, such as lighting the unity candle from two individual candles. Couples usually blow out the two candles as a sign of becoming one. Our minister said that many people were now leaving their individual candles lit to signify independence and personal freedom. He asked if we wanted to extinguish our candles or leave them burning. After thinking about it, David replied, "How about if we leave mine lit and blow out hers?"

Yesterday my husband thought he saw a cockroach in the kitchen. He sprayed everything down and cleaned thoroughly. Today I’m putting a cockroach in the bathroom.

After eight days of backpacking with my wife Linda, we were looking pretty scruffy. One morning she came to breakfast in a baseball cap, her shoulder length hair sticking out at odd angles. "Terry," she said, "does my hair make me look like a water buffalo?" I thought for a moment, then said, "If I tell you the truth, do you promise not to charge?"

My husband works as a service technician for a large exterminating company. One of the rules of the company is that he has to confirm each appointment by phone the night before his service call to that household. One evening he made such a call, and when a man answered the phone, he said, "Hi, this is Gary from A to Z Pest Control Company. Your wife phoned us." There was a long silence, and then my husband heard the man on the other end say, "Honey, it's for you... someone wants to talk to you about your relatives."

Wife: I’m mad. Husband: Again or still?

A very drunk man turns up at his house at 6 o'clock in the morning with his hair and clothes disheveled. His long suffering wife, who has been waiting up all night, shouts at him furiously, "I hope you have a good reason for getting home blind drunk at this time of the morning!" "Yes," replied the man, "I was hoping for some breakfast!"

My sister, went to the department store to check out the bridal registry of our niece whose wedding was coming up soon. When my sister returned from the store, she tossed the gift list on a table and declared, "I think she's too young to get married." "Why do you say that?" I asked. "Because," she said, "they registered for Nintendo games."

My dad walked me down the aisle at my third wedding. He said, “I keep giving you away... and they keep giving you back!”

A wife talks to her husband with a sweet voice, “You look great in that dim light. You look just like Brad Pitt.” Lifting his eyebrows, the husband asks, “And how do you know Brad Pitt?”

An aspiring young actor asked a young lady's father if he could have his daughter's hand in marriage. The father said, "I would never let my daughter marry an actor." The actor said, "Sir, I think you may change your mind if you see me perform. Won't you at least come and see the play?" So the father went to see the play, and the next day he called the actor, "You were right. I did change my mind. Go ahead and marry my daughter. You're no actor."

A couple returning from their honeymoon was in a deep discussion about people and their actions. John, the husband indicated: "I have always maintained that no two people on earth think alike." Mary, his loving new bride commented: "You'll change your mind when you look over our wedding presents."

The wife told her husband, "Let's go antique shopping today. I'm feeling Victorian." "No," he said, "let's not... I'm feeling baroque!"

Over a drink on evening the discussion turned to length of hair... Mr. Jones: "Don't you think long hair on a man makes him look intellectual?" Mr. Smith: "That depends. My wife found a long hair on my coat sleeve yesterday."

Marriage counselor: "Do you permit your wife to have her own way?" Husband: "I should say not, she has it without my permission."