Jokes

Teacher: "Little Johnny, give me a sentence using the word, 'geometry.'" Little Johnny: "A little acorn grew and grew until it finally awoke one day and said, 'Gee, I'm a tree.'"

Little Johnny: Dad, Is it true? I heard that in some countries where arranged marriage is a custom, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries! Father: Son, that happens everywhere, after marriage you find out everything!

A new Priest arrived in a small town and was trying to find the local church. He spotted Little Johnny playing in the street and said "could you help me please" Could you tell me where the local church is? Little Johnny said, "sure, if you go down the street to the 2nd crossing, then turn right, go about another 200 metres and turn left at the next turning and you will find the church about 200 metres on the left side of the road" Thank you said the priest and if you come to church on Sunday, I will help you find God. No chance said Johnny, if you could find the church, what chance have you got in finding God???

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horses legs and rump, and chest.. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I am buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy." Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

Little Johnny and a friend were closely examining bathroom scales on display at the department store. “What’s it for?’ his friend asked. “I don’t know,” little Johnny replied. “I think you stand on it and it makes you mad. At least it does that for my Mom and Dad.”

Little Jonny was assigned a job for the choir on Christmas his job was when the choir sang ‘and the Angel lit the candle’ he was to come out and light the candle. So before the service on Christmas Eve they had a practice. So the choir got to the part and sang ‘and the Angel lit the candle’ and there was no Jonny so they sang it a bit louder thinking he didn't hear them and still no Jonny so they sang it even louder and finally Jonny came out and sang; And the cat peed on the matches!

Little Johnny is in art class. The art teacher asks, “What are you drawing?" Johnny answers, “A cow eating grass," "Where's the grass?" "The cow ate it!" "Oh... what about the cow?" "She ran away!"

At school one morning the teacher asked little Johnny what he had for breakfast. Little Johnny said, well, on my way to school I come cross this Apple tree, so I climbed up there and started eating apples. I guess I eat about six, said little Johnny. No, said the teacher, it’s ate! Little Johnny said well it could've been eight I don't remember.

One day the school principal was talking to Little Johnny's teacher about his behavior, when all of a sudden Johnny comes running down the hallway. The principal stops Johnny and asks him, why are you running? Little Johnny says; I’m keeping two kids from fighting, sir. Who? ask the principal. Me and the kid chasing me; and off he went.

Little Johnny “why is your homework in your Dads writing?” the teacher asks. “I used his pen,” he replied.

Little Johnny came downstairs bellowing lustily. His mother asked, “What’s the matter now?” “Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with a hammer,” said Johnny through his tears. “That’s not so serious,” soothed his mother. “I know you are upset, but a big boy like you shouldn’t cry at something like that. Why didn’t you laugh?” “I did!” sobbed Johnny.

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44? ‘Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. 'Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?’

The Teacher had asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up to read his. It began, "My daddy fell in well last week." "Good Lord!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?" "He must be," said Little Johnny. "He stopped calling for help yesterday."

Little Johnny was not paying attention in class so the math teacher called on him and said, “Johnny! What are 5, 2, 28 and 40?” Little Johnny quickly replied, “NBC, CBS, HBO, and Cartoon Network!”

Little Johnny comes downstairs crying. His mother asked, “What’s the matter now?” “Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with hammer,” said little Johnny through his tears. “That’s not so serious,” soothed his mother. “I know you are upset, but a big boy like you shouldn’t cry at something like that. Why didn’t you just laugh? “I did!” sobbed Johnny.

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Johnny was standing and staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood beside him. Gazing up at the plaque, too, he said quietly, "Good morning son." "Good morning pastor" replied the young man, not taking his eyes off the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked. "Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large plaque. Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30 service?"

Little Johnny was at football practice one day and the coach said "Who here thinks they can jump higher than the goal posts" Immediately little Johnny said, "Ooh me sir me" The coach then said, "But Johnny you are the worst in the team!" Then Johnny said, "I know, but goalposts can’t jump!"

A teacher asked little Johnny if he knew the numbers 1 to 10 well. "Yes! Of course! My pop taught me, even more than 10!" "Good. What comes after three?” "Four," answered the boy. "What comes after six?" "Seven." "Very good," said the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. Now, what comes after ten?" "A jack!"

A schoolteacher was trying to teach her six-year old class students how to say the pledge of allegiance to the flag. The schoolteacher said, O.K. children begin by putting your hand over your little heart and repeat with me, I pledge allegiance to the HOLD IT! HOLD IT! Johnny, why is your hand over your butt cheek instead of your heart? Johnny relied! I can’t. Teacher asks, why not? Well you see, when my ant comes over to pick me up and pats my bottom and says, BLESS YOUR LITTLE HEART!!!!!!

Little Johnny's class were on an outing to their local police station where they saw pictures, of the ten most wanted men, tacked to a bulletin board. On the way out of the police station Little Johnny said to the officer, "it was so nice of you to put my daddy's picture up there."

Little Johnny wasn't very good at spelling. During an oral spelling exam, the teacher wrote the word "new" on the blackboard. "Now," she asked Johnny, "what word would we have if we placed a "K" in the front?" After a moment's reflection, Johnny said, "Canoe?"

Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an "F" in arithmetic. "Why?" asks the father. "The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said '6.'"  "But that's right!" The father replied. "Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'" "What the heck's the stupid difference?" asked the father. "That's what I said!" 

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"  After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.  The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"  "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

A man stops by his local florist shop to buy flowers for his new girlfriend. He asks the proprietor, "You know the expression, 'You should say it with flowers'?" "How about three dozen of my finest roses?" the florist asks. "Make it a half dozen roses," the man answers. "I'm a man of few words."

The young man was on his first date with the new girl. Things were going well. As they rode along in his new car, she turned to him and shyly asked, “Would you like to see where I was operated on?” The young man gulped and said, “Why, sure.” ”Okay, ” said the girl. ”We’re passing the hospital now.”

Father: The man who marries my daughter gets a prize. Suitor: Can I see the prize first?

Two Martians landed on a corner traffic light. “I saw her first,” one said. “So what?” the other Martian replied. “I’m the one she winked at.”

When her husband came home unexpectedly, the young wife opened the window and told her lover to jump. "You’re mad, this is the thirteenth floor!" he replied, shocked. "Just jump, this is no time for superstitions!"

What’s the difference between love and marriage? Love is one long, sweet dream and marriage is the alarm clock.