Jokes

Dentist: Little Johnny, you're not brushing your teeth very well. Do you know what comes after decay? Little Johnny: De 'L'?

Little Johnny's teacher asks, "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Do you know why his father didn't punish him?" Little Johnny replies, "Because George was the one holding the axe?"

Little Johnny asked his dad, "What do you do when you put one foot on the boat and the other on the dock?" "Swim," replied his dad. "You fall in, and then you swim."

Teacher: What has the 2016 election taught us? Little Johnny: You don't need to hold press conferences if you have a Twitter account!

Teacher: If there are seven flies and I hit one with a ruler, how many are left? Little Johnny: Just the squashed one.

As the first grade teach bent over to pick up an eraser, little Joey started to giggle. "Teacher, I just saw your stockings." The teacher replied, "You will stay in for recess with that remark." Later, she bent over to pick up a piece of chalk as little Mikey began to giggle, "Teacher, I just saw your knees." The teacher demanded he go to the office immediately for that remark. Still later she bent way down to pick up a piece of paper and little Billy began to clean out his desk and head for the door. Teacher asked Billy where he was going. He replied, "Teacher, I see my school days are over."

School kids were having a debate about the U.S. Presidential election. Emma said, “We need a candidate who is willing to tax the ultra rich and give to the poor”. Little Johnny stood up and said, “I didn’t know Robin Hood was running!”

"What do you want to be when you grow up?" asked the teacher. Little Johnny raisds his hand as says, “A congressman.” The teacher asked why and Little Johnny replied, "Because they spend most of their time at recess."

The teacher asked her students which state they thought has the most cows. A little girl raised her hand and said Texas. The teacher said, "That is right, you get an 'A'. Now which state do you think has the most sheep?" A little boy raised his hand and said Montana. The teacher said, "That's right, you get an 'A'. Who can tell me which state has the most turkeys?" Little Johnny raised his hand and said, that's easy, "Washington D.C.!" The teacher gave him an A+.

Little Johnny was on the playground having a disagreement with another boy. The teacher comes out and tells the boys the best way to solve problems is to be agreeable and also open to compromise. Little Johnny replies, "OK, I’ll agree to let him compromise."

The English teacher asks if any student can name two words that don’t belong together in a sentence. Little Johnny raised his hand, "I know, I know… 'man bun' right?"

A Sunday school teacher was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong. "All right children, let's take another example," she said. "If I were to get into a man's pocket and take his wallet with all his money, what would I be?" Little Johnny raised his hand, and with a confident smile, he blurts out, "You'd be his wife or girlfriend!"

Teacher: Johnny what do you want to be when you grow up? Johnny: Either an animal Vet or a Taxidermist. Teacher: Why did you choose such different careers? Johnny: Well, either way you get your dog back.

Little Johnny’s teacher was grading student essays about actual family experiences. She came upon Little Johnny’s paper entitled, “The time my dad told me to jump out of the tree and he would catch me.” Tearing up his teacher knew she’d been too hard on little Johnny for misbehaving and such. She felt terrible just knowing how hard his life must be. Not wanting to read each painful word she decided to give Little Johnny an 'A' without reading it. Surprised to see an 'A', Johnny was quite puzzled. He thought to himself, "My teacher couldn’t have like the part when my dad caught me and told me that some people can be trusted. She must have liked the part where I stomped on his big toe and called him a wimp."

Little Johnny's dad noticed the pet turtle was turning grey and was not going to live much longer. He tried to prepare the boy for the sad event. "Johnny your turtle is not looking so good and he might die. If he does you and I will make a little box for him, invite your friends over and have ice cream, cake, play games, and then bury the turtle under the big tree. Then we will go to the store and get a new turtle." Dad was satisfied he had done his best and waited for Johnny's response. "Dad," said Johnny after a thoughtful moment, "let's kill it."

Johnny's teacher paid a visit to his house one day. When little Johnny opened the door, she asked, "Are your father and mother in, Mr. Morton?" "They was in, but they is out now," he answered. The teacher gasped, "Why, Mr. Johnny Morton, it is 'They were in, but they are out now.' Where's your grammar?" "She's upstairs taking her nap."

Teacher: Johnny, where were you born? Little Johnny: Los Angeles Teacher: Which part? Little Johnny: What do you mean which part? The whole body was born in Los Angeles.

Teacher decides to teach the class logic. She asks the class if there were three birds on a telegraph wire and the farmer fired his gun at them, how many birds would be left? Little Jane said two miss, that's good. Little Mary said three because he missed, that's good. Now Little Johnny at the back of the class said there were none miss because the noise of the gun would frighten them away. That's very good Johnie said the teacher, I like the way you are thinking. Little Johnny said to the teacher, can I ask you a question miss? Yes of course you can, the teacher replied. If there were three ladies walking along the beach and each one had an ice cream. One was licking it, one was biting it and one was sucking it, which one was married? Well said the teacher, I suppose it was the one that was sucking it. Wrong miss, it was the one with the wedding ring but I like the way you were thinking.

At dinner with friends and family Johnny was asked to say the prayer. "But I don't know how to pray," he replied. "Just pray for your family, friends and neighbors, the poor, etc," said his father. "Okay," the boy said. "Dear Lord,.. Thank you for our visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream. Bless them so they won't come again. Forgive our neighbors son, who removed my sister's clothes and wrestled with her on the bed. This coming Christmas, please send clothes to all those poor ladies on my Daddy's Blackberry who do not have any clothes. And provide shelter for the homeless man who uses Mom's room when Daddy is at work....AMEN" Dinner was cancelled.

A preacher was looking for a good used lawnmower one day. He found one at a yard sale that Little Johnny happened to be manning. "This mower work, son?" the preacher asked. Little Johnny said, "Sure does, just pull on the cord hard, though." The preacher took the mower home and when he got ready to mow he yanked and pulled and tugged on that cord. Nothing worked. It wouldn't start. Thinking he'd been swindled, he took the mower back to Little Johnny's house. "You said this would work if I pulled on the cord hard enough." "Well," Johnny said, "you need to curse at it sometimes." The preacher was aghast. "I've not done that in years!" "Just keep yanking on that cord, Preacher. It'll come back to you."

Little Johnny runs to his dad and says, "Dad, there's water in the carburetor of the car!" "How can you be so sure?" the father asks. "I just know there is," replies Little Johnny. "Do you even know what a carburetor is?" "No," says Little Johnny. "OK, where is the car?" "In the lake."

Little Johnny is riding in the car with his mom. Little Johnny: Mommy, why is there a deer lying down on the side of the road? Mommy: He's sleeping. Little Johnny: Why on the side of the road? Mommy: He likes the sound of the cars driving by, it's very soothing.

Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid. Their favorite trick is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime. Little Johnny always takes the nickel. One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than the nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?" Johnny answers, "Well if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $20!"

Little Johnny is constantly late for school and what's worse is that he always has a big lie explaining why. The teacher tells the principal that she has had it with his exaggerations. The principal tells her to send Johnny to him the next time he shows up late. He will tell Johnny a lie so big that he will never tell another one. Ever. The next day, Johnny shows up two hours late. Johnny says, "I was two hours early today so I had time to fish in the pond on my way to school. I caught a 17-pound trout and had to take it home. If I didn't clean it and freeze it, my mom would've been angry. That's why I'm so late". The teacher promptly takes him to the principal's office and explains the story to the principal. The principal tells Johnny about his own trip to school that day. He says, "I was walking to school through the park on the trail today when I heard something behind me. I turned around and was shocked to see a giant grizzly bear behind me. He was 24 feet tall and had 6-inch fangs. He was going to eat me, Johnny! Just then a little dog ran out from the bushes, jumped up and attacked the bear. The little dog killed the bear and then ate the whole bear right there in front of me. What do you think of that, Johnny?" Johnny replies, "Oh yeah, that's my dog Sparky. That's his third bear this week."

Teacher: OK, Little Johnny, point to the USA on the map. Little Johnny: OK! Little Johnny points to the USA. Teacher: Great job, Johnny! Now, who discovered the USA? Little Johnny: I did!

Little Johnny was left to fix lunch. When his mother returned with a friend, she noticed that Johnny had already strained the tea. The two women then sipped their tea happily while having lunch. "Was it hard finding the tea strainer in the kitchen?" Johnny's mother asked. "I couldn't find it Ma, so I used the fly swatter," he replied. His mother nearly fainted, so Johnny hastily added: "Don't get excited, Ma, I used the old one!"

Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him. "So how was it?" His mother asked when they returned home. "Great," Little Johnny replied. "Did you and daddy have a good time?" Asked his mother. "Yeah, daddy really liked it too," exclaimed Little Johnny, "especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"

One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story. Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket." Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched."; Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story. Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch." Next up was little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands." The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story. "Well," Johnny replied, "Don't mess with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."

A little boy sat fascinated, watching as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

Teacher: "Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!" *Nobody stands up Teacher: "I'm sure there are some stupid students over here!!" *Little Johnny stands up Teacher: "Ohh, Johnny you think you're stupid?" Little Johnny: "No... i just feel bad that you're standing alone..."