Jokes

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says. “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.” ‘Dad, what are you talking about?’ the son screams. “We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.” Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they’re getting divorced!” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this!” She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow.Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. ‘Sorted! They’re coming for Christmas - and they’re paying their own way.

Christmas time. Valium and wine. Children indulging in serious crime. With dad on the weed and mum high on crack. Christmas is magic when your family is black!

A married woman walks up to Santa Claus and tells him that all she wants for Christmas is for her husband to be interested in s*x. Santa then proceeds to give her a bottle of pills. He tells her to give them a try and then let him know how it's working. So she takes the pills home and puts one pill in her husband's Christmas dinner. That night, they make love for one hour. The next day, she's running around thrilled and happy. "Oh, my God. I can't believe how well that worked," she thinks to herself. That night she puts two pills in his food and that night they make love for two hours. The next day, she's even more thrilled, so she dumps all the pills in his food. Two weeks go by without any word from this woman, so Santa decides to give her a call. A little boy answers the phone. Santa says, "Little boy, is your mother home?" "No, she's...who's this?" the little boy asks. "I'm a friend of your mother's and I gave her some pills to help her out a couple of weeks ago. Maybe you know how it's going?" "That was you?!" the little boy says. "Let me tell you. Mom's dead, sister's pregnant, my ass hurts and Dad's in the attic going, 'Here kitty, kitty, kitty. "

There is a little girl on a bike and a cop On a horse. The cop goes up to the Little girl and says " did you get that Bike from Santa?" Little girl says yes. The cop says next year ask Santa for Some reflectors and the cop gave her A $5 fine. Then the girl replies hey cop Did Santa get you that horse for Christmas. He says yes. She says tell Santa next year put the dick on the Bottom of the horse not the top. LOL!! My dad is trying to get 500 jackass!!!!

While I was working as a store Santa, a boy asked me for an electric train set. "If you get your train," I told him, "your dad is going to want to play with it too. Is that all right?" The boy became very quiet. So, moving the conversation along, I asked, "What else would you like Santa to bring you?" He promptly replied, "Another train."

I saw a girl walking down the street that I fcuked years ago, so I ran up behind her, covered her eyes and whispered, “Guess who… I took your virginity… “She said, “Dad?” “Dad?” I replied, staggering back in disgust. “You lost your virginity to your dad?” She turned round and said, “Oh… It’s you… I told you that you were my first because I was ashamed of what happened with my…” “I don’t want to hear it,” I interrupted. “Fcuk you, and your dad.” As I walked off, I turned round and shouted, “Tell him Uncle Tony won’t be coming round this Christmas.”

A boy and his mum go christmas shopping and they see two women having a fight, and their calling each other b*tches and bastards and dicks and vaginas. when they get to the car the boy asks his mum what a b*tch and bastard is, so she replies well a b*tch is a girl and a bastards a boy. The boy then asks whats a dick and a vagina and she says a dick is a hat and a vaginas a coat. so they go home and the kid goes up stairs to the toilet and his dads shaving in the shower and he cuts himself and says shit! and the boy goes what's shit? then his dad says oh um, just a new type of shaving cream i'm using. then then kid goes downstairs where his mum accidenatally cuts herself cutting the turkey and she says f***k! so the boy asks what f*ck is and his mum goes just a new way of cutting the turkey. then the door bell rings and the boys yells i'll get it and opens the door and his grandparents have aarrived for lunch and the kid goes welcome b*tches and barstards! you can put your dicks and vaginas over there! dads putting shit on his face and mums f***king the turkey!

It was one of the best moments of married life when my son finally found out Father Christmas wasn’t real. I overheard him telling his sister in her bedroom, “It’s actually our parents who do it!” My daughter said, “But I can’t believe dad would do that?!” Then he said these beautiful words and earned himself that new bike: “It’s not dad, it can’t be. Mum’s the only one fat enough, with a beard.”

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

Yo' Mama is so poor, if yo' daddy doesn't have a hard-on Christmas morning, she gets nothing to play with.

I had finished my Christmas shopping early and had wrapped all the presents. Having two curious children, I had to find a suitable hiding place. I chose an ideal spot-the furnace room. I stacked the presents and covered them with a blanket, positive they’d remain undiscovered. When I went to get the gifts to put them under the tree, I lifted the blanket and there, stacked neatly on top of my gifts, were presents addressed to "Mom and Dad, From the Kids."

I went to my father. I said, 'Daddy will you buy me some roller skates for Christmas?' 'Buy? I'll make you some damn roller skates.' Christmas morning, I wake up to some homemade roller skates made out of platform shoes. Cheap ass didn't even get real skate wheels, just took some gold wheels off an old couch.

The night before Xmas Throughout the house. Everyone was fcuked Even the mouse. Dad at the brothel, …Mum with frank, I’d settled down For a nice slow wank. Outside the house I heard a right clatter, I let go of my cock To see what was the matter. Out on the lawn I saw a big dick, I knew right away It was old St Nick. He came down the chimney like a bat out of hell. The big fat fcuker, I think he fell. He filled all our stockings with sweets & beer, And a big rubber cock For my brother, the queer. He rose up the chimney With a thunderous fart, The big fat c*nt Blew the house apart. He swore and he cursed As he rode out of sight, Shouting: I’ll be back next year, Have a hell of a night.  

The Teacher asked young Patrick Murphy: “What do you do at Christmas time? Patrick addressed the class: “Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns; then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys. “Very nice Patrick,” she said. “Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?” Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to church with Mom and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents. Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, “Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?” Isaac said, “Well, it’s the same thing every year…. Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce; then we drive to Dad’s toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves… And begin to sing: “What A Friend We Have In Jesus.” Then we all go to the Bahamas .”

A Mormon Family, one Monday evening, sat around the fire place and was discussing Church Finances, that included paying Tithing to the Bishop. Their little five year old boy heard this, than ran to his bedroom, grabbed his piggy bank, went to the Mormon Bishop's home and poured the contents of the piggy bank onto the Bishop's desk. The Bishop asked, "Is this your tithing?" the little boy said, "No Bishop." The Bishop than asked him, "Is this your Fast Offering?" The little boy again said, "No Bishop." The Mormon Bishop had a puzzeled look about him, and than asked, "If this is not your tithing or not your Fast Offering, than What is it?" The little boy said, "It's for you, Bishop, Mommy and Daddy just told me that you are the poorest Bishop that we have had."

Little Johnny was in church, getting restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Not able to take it anymore, he leaned over to his father and whispered, "Hey, Dad, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

One recent Sunday, a young boy arrived to his Sunday school class late. His teacher knew that the boy was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong. The boy replied no, that he was going to go fishing, but that his dad told him that he needed to go to church instead. The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his father had explained to him why it was more important to go to church rather than to go fishing. To which the boy replied, "Yes, ma'am, he did. My dad said that he didn't have enough bait for both of us."

Thanksgiving Day was approaching, and a family had received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family on its way to church. Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren, observing, "The pilgrim children liked to go to church with their mothers and fathers." "Oh, yeah?" her grandson replied, "So, why is their dad carrying that rifle?"

A young college co-ed came running in tears to her father. "Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!" "I did? What did I tell you?" said the dad. "You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble." "What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the state," he said. "there must be some mistake." "I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds'."

Daddy, how was I born? Ah, very well, one day you need to find out anyway! Mom and Dad got together in a chat room on MSN. Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber cafe. We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from your dad's memory stick. As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall. Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared. And that's the story.

An internet maniac boy asks his father: Daddy, why do we have five fingers if the mouse has only two buttons?

While my brother-in-law was tapping away on his home computer, his ten-year-old daughter sneaked up behind him. Then she turned and ran into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family: "I know Daddy's password! I know Daddy's password!" "What is it?" her sisters asked eagerly. Proudly she replied: "Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!"

The computer programmer to his son: "Here, I brought you a new basketball." Son: "Thank you, daddy, but where is the user's guide?"

Why did George W. Bush cross the road? To ask his dad how to run the presidency.

One day this little girl’s dad came home and she runs up to him. “Daddy, the cat died today!” “Well, darling,” said the dad. “That’s just something that happens.” “But why are his arms and legs up in the air?” “Well, darling, that’s just something they do.” She takes the death fairly well and doesn’t mention it until a few days later. When the dad comes home, she runs up to him. “Daddy, Daddy, Mommy almost died today!” “What are you talking about?” “I came downstairs and I heard her screaming ’Oh Jesus, take me, take me!’ And she had her arms and legs up in the air and if it hadn’t been for the mailman trying to revive her she would have died.”

A little Anant asks his father, Daddy, Is God a man or a woman? Both son. God is both. After a while the Anant comes again and asks, Daddy, is God black or white? Both son, both. Anant returns a few minutes later and says, Daddy, Is Michael Jackson a God?

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?" The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that." So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course, I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!" The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh, good heavens! I LOVE Brad Pitt and I would sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?" The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?" The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?" The boy replied, "Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but 'realistically', we’re living with two h***s and a future congressman."

Three boys walk through the woods and suddenly hear cries for help. They follow the sound to the lake and see George W. Bush drowning. The boys jump into the water and drag him to shore. Bush asks the boys how he can repay them. The first boy says, "I want a boat." The second boy says, "I want a truck." The third boy says, "I want a nice tombstone." Bush asks, "Why is that?" The boy says, "Because when my dad finds out I helped save you, he's going to kill me."

My dad called me into the living room so he could show me the nude photos of Jennifer Lawrence. I said, “Dad, she’s a fat white blob.” “Oh, sorry,” he replied, wiping it off the screen. “There you go.”

Have you seen a picture of Helen Kellers dad? Neither has she!