Jokes

During the spelling period the teacher asked the class: "Will anyone volunteer to spell matrimony?" Little Johnny, being sort of a precocious young boy, stood up and promptly spelled matrimony. "Now define it," said the teacher. Little Johnny replied, "Well, I don't exactly know what it means, but my Aunt Mary says she's had enough of it."

An English teacher asks Little Johnny: “Make an opposite of this sentence... ‘Kids in the dark usually make errors.’” Little Johnny: “Errors in the dark usually make kids."

One Saturday Little Johnny went fishing at a pond that was close to his house. After a couple hours of fishing the owner of the pond approached and indicated to Little Johnny that there was a "No Fishing" sign. Little Johnny replied, "Well the fellow that printed that sign knew what he was talking about."

The Sunday School teacher was asking why Little Johnny was late. "I was going fishing but my father would not let me," replied Little Johnny. "You are lucky to have a fine father like this. I am sure he explained to you why you should not go fishing on Sunday." "Yes Ma'ma. He said there just was not enough bait for both of us to go."

Mr. Magic: I can turn this handkerchief into a flower. Little Johnny: That’s nothing. I can walk down the street and turn into an alley.

The arithmetic teacher proposed the following to the class, "If there are three crows on a fence and one is shot, how many would be left?" After a short time, Little Johnny shouts out, "Two left." The teachers response, "I'm afraid you don't get the point. Let me repeat the joke. There were three crows on a fence and one is shot, how many would be left? Johnny replied again, "Two left." Teacher, "No, none would be left, because when one is shot, the other two would fly away." Johnny, "That's what I said, TWO LEFT!!!"

Little Johnny's teacher was preparing the students for the upcoming Spelling Bee when she asked Johnny to "Spell Straight." Little Johnny: "S-T-R-A-I-G-H-T." Teacher: "Correct; what does it mean?" Little Johnny: "Without ginger ale."

Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!" The policeman said, "What's he like?" Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!"

Mom: "Little Johnny, why are you taking your ruler to bed with you?" Little Johnny: "To see how long I sleep..."

"Johnny, why are you late?" asked the teacher angrily. "Sorry teacher, it was late when I left home." "Then why didn't you start earlier?" "Sorry, at that point it was too late to start earlier."

Little Johnny ran into the room sobbing as through his heart would break. "Whats the problem Johnny?" asked his mother. "Oh, daddy was hanging a picture and he dropped it on his toe," replied Johnny. "Why, that's nothing to cry about. You should be laughing at that," said his mother. "I did," Johnny replied.

Little Johnny: "Why does it rain, dad?" Father: "To make the flowers grow and the grass and the trees." Little Johnny: "So why does it rain on the sidewalk?"

Teacher: "What ancient ruler was it who played the fiddle while Rome was burning?" Johnny: "Hector, ma'am." Teacher: "No, not Hector. Hector was no ruler, he was a Trojan prince. Try again." Johnny: "Then it was Duke!" Teacher: "Duke? What do you mean Johnny?" Johnny: "Well then, it must have been Nero... I knew it was someone with a dogs name."

Teacher: “Little Johnny, please spell the word 'pole'.” Little Johnny: “P-O-L.” Teacher: “But what is at the end of it?” Little Johnny: “Electrical Wires, but I can’t spell that yet.”

It's Christmas morning and after all the gifts are unwrapped Little Johnny ask the following qeustion, "Mother, where did all these pretty toys come from?" Mother: "Johnny, Santa brought all of them." Johnny: "Did he bring everything? Did he bring the electric train, the baseball glove and bat? The ice skates..." Mother: "Yes Johnny, Santa brought everything." Johnny: "Well, then who buys all the things in the stores?"

While on a field trip to a local petting zoo Little Johnny breathlessly rushed up to his teacher and shouted out, "Teacher, teacher, I just saw a man making a horse!" "Oh, Johnny, are you sure?" asked the teacher. "Of course," said Johnny, "they were tacking on his feet as I walked by!"

Little Johnny's mother was asking him a question and he replied: "Mother, you took the words right out of my ears." Mother: "No, that's not right. It's you took the words right out of my mouth." Little Johnny: "But I heard it before."

The teacher asked Little Johnny if he knew his numbers. “Yes,” he said. “My dad taught me.” “Good. So what comes after eight?” “Nine,” answered Little Johnny. “And what comes after nine?” “Ten.” “And what comes after ten?” “The Jack.”

The teacher noticed that Little Johnny had arrived at school wearing only one glove. “Why have you only got one glove?” she asked. “Well, Miss,” explained Little Johnny, “I was watching the weather forecast on TV last night, and it said it was going to be quite sunny but on the other hand it could get quite cold.”

Little Johnny and his younger sister Everleigh were on their very first train ride. They had brought along bananas for lunch. Just as they began to peel them, the train entered a long, dark tunnel. "Have you eaten your banana yet?" Johnny asked excitedly. "No," replied Everleigh. "Well don't touch it then!" Johnny shouted. "I just took a bite and went blind!"

Little Johnny went with his mother for the first time to deliver lunches to the elderly. Little Johnny kept starring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. He said, very softly, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

Little Johnny comes home from school and tells his dad that he failed the safety quiz Dad: What? How? Little Johnny: I missed the only question Dad: What was the question? Little Johnny: What steps do we take in case of fire? Dad: And what did you say? Little Johnny: Well I said really large ones but apparently that's not right answer!!!

The schoolteacher asked her class of young children to name one thing that was needed at their home. “Jim?” “A Nintendo Wii!” “Very good, Jim. How about you, Ann?” "A Super Barbie doll’s house,” said Ann. “That sounds nice, Ann. Little Johnny?” Little Johnny remained silent. “Surely there must be something you can think of, Little Johnny?” “No, nothing.” “Really, Little Johnny? You do surprise me.” “I know it’s true for a fact,” insisted Little Johnny. “Because last week my dad came home drunk, was sick all over the carpet, and my mom said it was the last thing we needed.”

Little Johnny rushes inside, out of breath and shouts, "Mother! Mother! Give me some money for the poor old man that's shouting along the road!" His mother replies, "What is he shouting?" "Ice creams! Come get your ice cream..."

Teacher: “I hope I didn’t see you looking at Timmy’s test paper?” Little Johnny: ”I hope you didn't see me either!”

Little Johnny, on recess, was carrying a car door while playing outside with his buddies on a very hot day. His teacher called him over to ask, "Why?" Little Johnny replied, "If I get too hot, I can roll down the car window!"

Little Mary talking to Little Johnny: I found twenty cents on the sidewalk. Little Johnny: That's mine. I dropped a twenty-cent coin there this morning. Little Mary: But, what I found was two ten-cent coins! Little Johnny: That's it. I heard it break when it hit the ground.

Little Johnny walked into his classroom with a fried egg on his head. The teacher asked, "Why do you have a fried egg on your head?" Little Johnny responded, "Because a hard boiled egg rolls off."

Little Johnny was playing in his yard when his next door neighbor drove by pulling a trailer. He ask what did he have in the trailer? "Manure,"the neighbor replied. "What are you going to do with it?" asked Little Johnny "Put it on my strawberries," answered the farmer. Little Johnny replied, "You ought to come and eat with us, we put ice-cream on our strawberries."

The teacher in Little Johnnys class approached him and directed he go to the principal's office. When he got there, the principle said to him, "Little Johnny, I've had complaints about you from all your teachers. What have you been doing?" Little Johnny replied, "Nothing, Sir!" The principal replied, "EXACTLY!"