Jokes

Q: How many type A personalities does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to screw in the light bulb, and one to tell him he's doing it all wrong.

How many hardware engineers does it take to change a light bulb? None. They tell software to code around it.

Q: How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two — One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was. Q: How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Only one, but it sure takes a whole lot of light bulbs!

A kindergarten teacher handed out a coloring page to her class. On it was a picture of a duck holding an umbrella. The teacher told her class to color the duck in yellow and the umbrella green. Little Johnny, the class rebel, colored the duck in a bright fire-truck red. After seeing this, the teacher asked him, "Little Johnny, how many times have you seen a red duck?" Little Johnny replied, "The same number of times I've seen a duck holding an umbrella."

Teacher: Why are you late? Little Johnny: There was an old man that lost a hundred dollar bill. Teacher: Were you helping him search for it? How nice of you. Little Johnny: Actually I was sitting on it, waiting for him to give up searching and leave.

Biology Teacher: Did you know that you have 60,000 miles of blood vessels in your body? Little Johnny: No wonder I have tired blood.

Little Johnny was awaiting the arrival of his piano teacher when his mother inquired, "Little Johnny, did you wash your hands?" Little Johnny replied, "Yes." Mother: "And your face?" Little Johnny: "Yes mother." Mother: "And did you wash behind your ears?" Little Johnny: "On her side, I did."

Johnny's mother sees the young boy tiptoeing down the hall with a bucket of water. She asks, "Johnny, why are you tiptoeing around with a bucket of water?" Johnny answers, "Dad asked me to quietly wake him at five."

Teacher: "Class does anyone know what is a comet?" Little Johnny: "A what?" Teacher: "A comet. You know what a comet is?" Little Johnny: "No." Teacher: "Don't you know what they call a star with a tail?" Little Johnny: "Oh sure. Mickey Mouse. "

Father: Look at all these bills! Taxes, rent, telephone, clothes, food. The cost of living is going up everywhere. I’d be happy if just one thing went down. Little Johnny: Dad, here’s my report card.

Little Johnny was riding the elevator of a tall office with his mother and father. He tugged at his father’s coat and when his father bent over, Little Johnny whispered in ear. The father frowned and shook his head. Little Johnny tugged at his father’s coat and whispered the same thing again. “No,” said his father. When Little Johnny tugged his father’s coat for the third time, his father lost his patience and said sharply: “I don’t care how Superman does it! We’re going up this way!”

Father: Now Little Johnny, be good while I’m away. Little Johnny: Okay dad, I’ll be good for a dollar. Father: Why son, when I was your age I was good for nothing!

Little Johnny was being shown the shape of the earth on a globe atlas by his mother. After pointing to all countries with unusual shapes, she asks: "Now Johnny, what shape is the world?" Johnny, looking very wise and happy, said: "Daddy says it's in terrible shape."

Little Johnny: I’m not going back to school anymore. Mom: Why not? Little Johnny: On Monday the teacher said that four and four make eight. On Tuesday she said six and two make eight. Today she said five and three make eight. I’m not going back until she makes up her mind.

Principal: "Johnny, no running in school. Now, just why are you in such a hurry?" Little Johnny (out of breath): "Sir, I'm trying to keep two fellows from fighting!" Principal: "Who are those fellows?" Little Johnny: "Billy Jones and myself!"

Father: Didn’t you promise to be a good boy? Little Johnny: Yes, father. Father: And didn’t I promise to punish you if you weren’t? Little Johnny: Yes, father. But since I’ve broken my promise, you don’t have to keep yours.

Little Johnny came home from Sunday School with the distressing news news that he had lost the penny given to him for the collection. "But Johnny, this is the third Sunday in a row that you have lost your penny," indicated his mother. "Well," replied Johnny, "I gotta win sooner or later."

“Excuse me,” said the game warden as he approach Little Johnny, “you need a permit to be fishing on this lake.” Little Johnny looked at his bucket full of fish and said, “I'm doing just fine with worms.”

Teacher: Little Johnny, how do you spell “rain”? Little Johnny: R-A-N-E. Teacher: That’s the worst spell of rain we’ve had around here in a long time.

Sunday School Teacher: "Now Little Johnny, I want you to memorize today's motto, 'It is more blessed to give than to receive." Little Johnny: "Yes mam, but I know it already. My father says he has always used that as his motto in his business." Teacher: "Oh, how noble of him! And what is his business?" Little Johnny: "He's a boxer."

Little Johnny's teacher was was discussing the weather in chemistry class? She asked, "When rain falls does it ever rise again?" After asking various students she called on Little Johnny. "Yes, it does... in dew time."

Little Johnny: I’m so glad you named me Little Johnny. Mother: Why do you say that? Little Johnny: Because that’s what all the kids in school call me.

During history class the teacher was discussing George Washington. "George Washington, not only did he chopped down his cherry tree," the teacher explained, "but he also admitted to doing it. Does anyone know why his father did not punish him? " After a few minutes of silence Little Johnny answered, "Maybe because George still had the ax in his hand?"

Teacher: Little Johnny, if one and one make two, and two and two makes four, how much does four and four make? Little Johnny: That isn’t fair, teacher. You answer the easy ones yourself and leave the hard ones for us.

Teacher: Little Johnny, how old were you on your last birthday? Little Johnny: Seven. Teacher: How old will you be on your next birthday? Little Johnny: Nine. Teacher: That's impossible. Little Johnny: No it isn’t teacher. I’m eight today.

The teacher asked the class to write a composition telling what they would do if they had a million dollars. Every pupil except Little Johnny began to write immediately. Little Johnny sat idle, twiddling his thumbs, looking out the window. Teacher collected the papers, and Little Johnny handed in a blank sheet. “Why Little Johnny,” the teacher said, ”everyone has written two pages or more, while you have done nothing. Why is that? “Well,” replied Little Johnny, “that’s what I would do if I had a million dollars.”

Teacher: Are you good in history? Little Johnny: Yes and no. Teacher: What does that mean? Little Johnny: Yes, I’m no good in history.

Father: Little Johnny, I see by your report card that you are not doing well in history. How come? Little Johnny: I can’t help it. The teacher always asks me about things that happened before I was born.

After reviewing Little Johnny's report card, Johnny's mother gave praise for the marks he received except for one class. "Johnny, I wish you would pay a little attention to your arithmetic." "Well I do," Johnny replied. "I pay as little attention to arithmetic as possible."

The teacher heard Little Johnny use some serious language and was shocked. “Little Johnny, don’t you ever use language like that again, not near me, not ever. Where on earth did you learn that?” “I got it from my dad, Miss,” replies Johnny. “Well, your daddy should be ashamed. I hope you don’t know what all that even means?” “Oh but I do,” says Johnny. “It means the car won’t start.”