Jokes

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?" St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"

In my crossword I have been looking for a nine letter word for two weeks... I have it! FORTNIGHT!

A man walks into a hardware store and speaks to the cashier. "Have you any two watt bulbs?" "For what?" "That’ll do, I'll take two." "Two what?" "I thought you didn’t have any." "Any what?" "Yes please!"

How many fatalists does it take to screw in a light bulb? What does it matter? It's just going to go out again, anyway.

How many Optometrist are required to change a light bulb? Is it one or two? Two or three? Four or.....

How many journalists does it take to put in a light bulb? Only one, but they'll tell everybody.

How many over-eager personal assistants does it take to put in a lig... Done!

Q: "How many grandmothers does it take to change a light bulb?" A: "None. I'll sit in the dark. I'll be fine. Don't worry about me..."

How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb? Two, one to put it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. One to hold the giraffe, and one to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.

How many unemployed actors does it take to screw in a light bulb? Six. One to screw it in and the rest to say they could've done it better.

How many elves does it take to change a lightbulb? Twenty! One to change it and nineteen to stand on each other's shoulders.

Question: Why should you never ask a skeleton to change a light bulb? Answer: Cause no body will show up.

How many bureaucrats does it take to put in a light bulb? Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being done while the other inserts the bulb into the water faucet.

How many astronauts does it take to change a light bulb? It takes two astronauts to change a light bulb. Astronaut number one to hold the light bulb and astronaut number two to rotate astronaut number one.

Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a light bulb? A: Seven. Scotty has to report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in the Engineering Section is getting dim, at which point Kirk will send Bones to pronounce the bulb dead (although he'll immediately claim that he's a doctor, not an electrician). Scotty, after checking around, realizes that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains that he "canna" see in the dark. Kirk will make an emergency stop at the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb from the natives, who, are friendly, but seem to be hiding something. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Yeoman Rand and two red shirt security officers beam down to the planet, where the two security officers are promptly killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured. As something begins to develop between the Captain and Yeoman Rand, Scotty, back in orbit, is attacked by a Klingon destroyer and must warp out of orbit. Although badly outgunned, he cripples the Klingon and races back to the planet in order to rescue Kirk who has just saved the natives from an awful fate and, as a reward, been given all light bulbs they can carry. The new bulb is then inserted and the Enterprise continues on its five year mission.

How many telemarketers does it take to change a lightbulb? One, but they have to do it while you're eating dinner!

Q: How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? A: One. You got a problem with that?

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? One but the light bulb really has to really want to change.

How Many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb? Answer 10 1 to change it and 9 to sing about how good the old one was ;-)

Whats the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman?You can unscrew a lightbulb!

How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb? NONE, they never get the house!

How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two, but you've got to get them in there first.

Q: How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb? A: We don't know. They're still arguing about it.

Q: How many Microsoft Engineers does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. They just change the standard to DARK.

Q: How many idiots does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 500, 1 to hold the light bulb and 499 to turn the house.

Q: How many duffers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 4. One to hold the light bulb and stand on a spinning chair and 3 to spin the chair round and round!

Q: Why did the lamp go on a diet? A: Because it wanted to get light

Q. How many cockroaches dose it take to screw in a light bulb? A. None cause when you turn the light on they all scatter.

Q. How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb? A. They can't do it, it's a hardware problem.