Jokes

These are from a book called Disorder in the Court, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. Q: What is your date of birth? A: July 15th. Q: What year? A: Every year. Q: How old is your son, the one living with you? A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years. _________________________________ Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning? A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan. _________________________________ Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. __________________________________ Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. __________________________________ Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Q. Why don't snakes bite lawyers? A. Professional courtesy!

Gatiep grew up in Tafelsig, Mitchell's Plain, an average suburb of Cape Town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to Mitchell’s Plain, because he could be a big man in Tafelsig. He really wanted to impress everyone. So he returned and opened his new Law office. The first day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived. As the man came to the door Gatiep picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, while talking. "No. Absolutely no. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million. Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay. Tell the State Prosecutor that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details." This sort of thing went on for almost five minutes. All the while The man sat patiently as Gatiep rattled instructions. Finally, Gatiep put down the phone and turned to the man. "I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?" The man replied, "I'm from Telkom, I've come to connect your telephone line".

A forester and a lawyer were in car accident and showed up at the pearly gates together. St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and takes them to the homes where they will spend all of eternity. They get into St. Peter's holy vehicle and head on down a gold road, which turns into a platinum road, which turns onto an even grander road paved with diamonds, to a huge mansion where St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says, here is your home for the rest of eternity, enjoy! And if there is anything you need, just let me know. Then St. Peter took the forester to his home, back down the diamond studded boulevard, down the platinum highway, down the street of gold, down an avenue of silver, along a stone alley and down an unpaved footpath to a shack. St Peter says, "Here you go" and goes to leave when the forester says "Wait minute! How come the lawyer gets the big mansion and I get this shack?" St. Peter says: "Well, Foresters are a dime a dozen here, we have never had a lawyer before."

After suffering through years of his wife’s awful coffee, the man spit it out and took the coffee maker to his lawyer. Dropping it on the attorney’s desk, the man snarled, “Here they are!” “Here are what?” the startled lawyer asked. “Grounds for divorce.”

After being arrested for robbery, Quinn hired the best lawyer in town. “Look,” the crook said, “I’ve got nearly a million in cash in my bank box. Can you get me off?” The lawyer said, “Believe me, pal, you will never go to prison with that kind of money.” And sure enough, he did not. He went to prison flat broke.

A man had been crossing a street when a car slammed into him. The pedestrian sued the motorist, whose lawyer made the following statement at the end of the trial. “Your honor, my client was not at fault. He has been driving a car for thirty years, and has never had an accident, nor gotten so much as a speeding ticket. I do not think I need to say any more.” Unimpressed, the lawyer for the plaintiff rose. “Your honor, since counsel insists on bringing up the matter of experience, may I remind the court that my client has been walking for over seventy years…”

An attorney, anxious to impress the judge with the detail, asked the following line of questions of a doctor who had recently performed an autopsy. Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

A famous lawyer, who had been a public defender for years, dies. He finds himself standing at the back of an enormous queue outside the gates of Heaven. The queue before him is enormous. The number of people who die in a single day appalls him. He can barely see St Peter sitting up on a podium outside the gates with a large book. Every now and then St Peter glances down the queue to see how he is going. Suddenly he catches the eye of the lawyer. He looks very surprised. He jumps down from the podium and comes running along the line until slightly out of breath he arrives beside the lawyer. He embraces him. He pulls him out of the queue and motions for him to come to the front of the queue. Another person questions what is happening and another angel speaks to the person. Word is passed along the queue and the lawyer is surprised, as people start nodding and clapping. He becomes embarrassed by all the attention and asks St Peter why he is getting the special attention. St Peter stops suddenly and looks concerned. "You are a lawyer aren't you?' "Yes" the lawyer replies. "Does this happen to all lawyers in heaven?" "Oh, no, "Said St Peter. "It's just you are the first one to ever get here."

There was a man driving a pickup truck down a country road, when suddenly he was broad sided by a trailer truck. Some time went by, and the case got to court. The defense attorney said to the plaintiff, "How can you be suing my client now when you told a trooper after the accident that you felt fine?" The man replied, "Well sir, it was like this. We was drivin' down the road, mindin' our own business, when a big trailer truck came out of nowhere and creamed us. When I came to, I was in the ditch, and a trooper was pullin' up with his car. He looked at the hogs, and they was 'most dead, so he shot 'em. Then he looked at my dog, and he was hurt real bad, so he shot him. Then he came over to me and he said, 'How you feeling?'" "I said, I never felt better in my life."

A man lying on his deathbed called to him, his lawyer, his doctor, and his pastor. "I am going to die tonight," and I want to prove that when you go to heaven you can take it all with you. So to my three most trusted friends, you three of course, I am leaving 50,000 dollars in these envelopes. When I die you must come to my funeral and put the envelopes in my coffin with me." The man handed the three men identical envelopes. A day later they each received news that, that night the old man had died . So each knew they must go to his funeral and fulfill his death wish. Standing over the coffin one week later the pastor confessed, " I can't hide what I've done. I took 10,000 dollars from the envelope because the church needed to be painted." Then as he did so the doctor also started to fidget then finally confessed “I took 30,000 dollars from my envelope because the hospital needed a new wing." Ten the lawyer said plainly “You bunch of crooks! I wrote him a check for the full amount!"

Your Honor,” began the defense attorney, “my client has been characterized as an incorrigible bank robber, without a single socially redeeming feature. I intend to disprove that.” “And how will you accomplish this?” the judge inquired. “By proving beyond a shadow of a doubt,” replied the lawyer, “that the note my client handed the teller was on recycled paper.”

A butcher saw a Lawyer passing by his shop one day, and asked him: Atty., what would you do if a dog came in and stole your meat? Lawyer replied: why? of course, I’ll make the owner pay for it! The butcher said: If that is so, now you owe me $15 because it is your dog. The Lawyer replied: very well, just deduct the $15 from the $25 you owe me for the advice, I’ll collect the remaining $10 the next time I pass by here.

A man requires surgery to remove his left leg. He consults with the surgeon; plans are made for surgery the next morning. Morning comes and the Surgeon arrives still intoxicated from a night on the town. He removes the left leg only after mistakenly removing the right. Needless to say the patient, after recovering, saw a lawyer who told him he couldn't win, because he didn't have a leg to stand on.

A man goes to see his lawyer to prepare his will. At the first meeting, the lawyer takes all the information down, and sends the man home, telling him to come see him again in two weeks. Two weeks later, the man comes back, reads the will and signs it in front of three witnesses. The lawyer says: "That will be $100." (This is an old joke.) The man pays him, shakes his hand and leaves. The lawyer looks down in his hand and notices not one but two $100 bills, and so, he faces a serious ethical dilemma. Do you know what the dilemma is? Does he tell his partner, or not?

An old, stingy lawyer was dying and was determined to prove wrong the old saying, "You can't take it with you". He told his wife to go down to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. His plan: Put the bags directly over his bed and when he died grab them on his way up to heaven. One day the old ambulance chaser died. When his wife was up cleaning in the attic one day, she came across the forgotten pillowcases. She then said to herself, “That old fool. I knew he should have had me put them in the basement!"

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried a creative defense to get his client off the hook. "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few paltry items. His arm is not himself, so I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed soley by his arm." "Well put," the judge replied with a grin. "Using that same logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. Your client can accompany the arm or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's help, he detatched his artificial limb, laid it on the bench and walked out.

A Yankee lawyer went duck hunting in eastern North Carolina. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly gentleman asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, I'm going into retrieve it."  The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."  The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything!  The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things here in North Carolina. We settle small disagreements like this with the NC Three-Kick Rule."  The lawyer asked, "What is the NC three-Kick Rule?"  The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."  The Yankee attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old southerner. He agreed to abide by the local custom.  The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the Yankee lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.  The Yankee lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old redneck southerner, now it's my turn."  The old North Carolina farmer smiled and said, "Now, I give up. You can have the duck." 

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i. e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps: 1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being non-negotiable. 2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes. 3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable. Note: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership."

An elderly man, 82, just returned from the doctors only to find he didn't have long to live. So he summoned the three most important people in his life to tell them of his fate: 1. His Doctor 2. His Priest 3. His Lawyer. He said, "Well, today I found out I don't have long to live. So, I have summoned you three here, because you are the most important people in my life, and I need to ask a favor. Today, I am going to give each of you an envelope with $50,000 dollars inside. When I die, I would ask that all three of you throw the money into my grave." After the man passed on, the three people happened to run into each other. The doctor said, "I have to admit I kept $10,000 dollars of his money. He owed me from lots of medical bills. But, I threw the other $40,000 in like he requested. "The Priest said, "I have to admit also, I kept $25,000 dollars for the church. It’s all going to a good cause. I did, however, throw the other $25,000 in the grave." Well the Lawyer just couldn't believe what he was hearing! "I am surprised at you two for taking advantage of him like that. I wrote a check for the full amount and threw it all in!!!"

Joe the lawyer died suddenly, at the age of 45. He got to the gates of Heaven, and the angel standing there said, "We've been waiting a long time for you." "What do you mean," he replied. "I'm only 45, in the prime of my life. Why did I have to die now?" "45? You're not 45, you're 82," replied the angel. "Wait a minute. If you think I'm 82 then you have the wrong guy. I'm only 45. I can show you my birth certificate." "Hold on. Let me go check," said the angel and disappeared inside. After a few minutes the angel returned. "Sorry, but by our records you *are* 82. I checked all the hours you have billed your clients, and you have to be 82..."

How many personal injury lawyers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Three. One to change the bulb, one to shake him off the ladder, and one to sue the ladder company.

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? How many you can afford!

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW. "Officer, look what they've done to my Beemer!" he whined. "You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!" "Oh my god", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex!"

A lawyer’s son was about to enter college. He asked his son "Now how did it get into your head that you want to be a doctor instead of a lawyer?" "Well dad," answered the son, "did you ever hear anybody in a crowd gathered around a heart-attack victim shout out frantically, 'Is there a lawyer in the house?'"

A man needing some legal help walks into a law firm. He asks an attorney, "If I give you $300 per hour to help answer two legal problems I have, will you help me?" The attorney replies "Sure, what's the other question?"

A doctor traveling by car along a country road collides with an attorney who happens to be driving in the opposite direction. The attorney, seeing that the doctor is a bit shaken up, helps him from the car and offers him a drink of Scotch from his hip flask. The doctor accepts, took a long drink and hands the flask back to the attorney, who closes it and puts it away. "Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asks the doctor. The attorney replies, "Sure — as soon as the police leave."

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer — you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake — he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

Three friends - a surgeon, an engineer, and a politician - were discussing which of their professions was the oldest. The surgeon said "Eve was created from Adam's rib - a surgical procedure." The engineer replied: "before Adam and Eve, order was created out of chaos, and that was an engineering job." The politician said, "Yes, but who do you suppose created the chaos?"

Three Friends Three friends - a surgeon, an engineer, and a politician - were discussing which of their professions was the oldest. The surgeon said "Eve was created from Adan's rib - a surgical procedure." The engineer replied: "before Adam and Eve, order was created out of chaos, and that was an engineering job." The politician said, "Yes, but who do you suppose created the chaos?"