Jokes

The Ten Commandments display was recently removed from the Alabama Supreme Court building. There was a good reason for the move. You can’t post Thou Shalt Not Steal, Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery, and Thou Shall Not Lie in a building full of lawyers and politicians without creating a hostile work environment.

One Friday afternoon, a man walks up to an ATM machine to deposit his check. Upon his turn, the ATM shuts down for repairs so the man walks into the bank. Inside the bank, there are about 30 people inside waiting to make transactions and the line is moving really, really slow. The man gets impatient, sigh loudly, tapping his foot and making comments aloud. All of a sudden the man behind him reaches up and begins to massages his shoulders. 1st man - HEY! What are you doing?!?! 2nd man - Well sir, I'm a masseuse and you look a little tense so I thought I'd help you out with a massage! 1st man - Well, that's just great buddy. I'm a lawyer - you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do ya?

A lawyer called his client but their young son answered the phone, whispering "Hello?" The lawyer asked if the boy's parents were home and the boy replied in a whisper, "Yes, but they can't come to the phone, they're very, very busy." A bit frustrated the lawyer asked if anyone else was home, to which the boy replied in a whisper, "Yes, my brothers are home, my sisters are home..." The lawyer asked the young boy to put one of them on the phone, to which the boy replied in a whisper, "They can't come to the phone, they're very, very busy." Now very frustrated the lawyer asked if anyone else was home, to which the boy replied in a whisper, "Yes, my aunts are here, my uncles are here..." The lawyer asked the young boy to put one of them on the phone, to which the boy replied in a whisper, "They can't come to the phone, they're very, very busy." Now completely frustrated the lawyer screams, "What are what are they all doing?" The boy replied in a whisper, "They're looking for me".

An old penny pincher had no friends. Just before he died he asked his doctor, lawyer, and pastor to gather around him at bedside. “I have always heard that you can’t take it with you. But I want to disprove that theory,” he said. “I have $90,000 under my mattress, and when I die, just before they throw the dirt on me at my burial, I want you each to toss in an envelope with $30,000 within.” The three attended the funeral and each threw his envelope in the grave. On the way back from the cemetery, the pastor said, “I must confess. I needed $10,000 for my new church, so I only threw in $20,000.” The doctor then said, “I must confess too. I needed $20,000 for a new hospital I was opening up, so I only threw in $10,000.” The lawyer looked at them both and shook his head. He then said, “Gentlemen, I’m surprised, shocked, and ashamed of you. I don’t see how you could dare to go against that man’s final wish. I mean, I threw in my personal check for the full amount.”

You met him in prison. During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway. He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser." When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other. He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose." During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy. He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger." A prison guard is shaving your head. Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack Daniels to the stand!" and proceeds to drink a shot. He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger. He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the defense table. He begins closing arguments with, "As Ally McBeal once said . . ." He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra. Just before trial starts he whispers, "The judge is the one with the little hammer, right?" Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers. The sign in front of his law office reads "Practicing Law Since 2:25." Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, "Whatever." He giggles every time he hears the word "briefs."

There was a lawyer and a skunk standing in the road. How can u tell which lane each one was in? There are skid marks in front of the skunk...

A woman was found guilty in traffic court and when asked for her occupation she said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court." He smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write, 'I will not run a red light' five hundred times."

Why are lawyers liable to go to hell? They are so full of lies it makes the devil blush.

What is the favorite pastime for Retired Lawyers? Ambulance chasing! ----- Old Habits Die Hard-----

A juvenile court was prosecuting a teen suspected of burglary. The judge asked everyone to stand and state his or her name and role for the court reporter. "Leah Rauch, deputy prosecutor." "Linda Jones, probation officer." "Sam Clark, public defender." "John," said the teen who was on trial. "I’m the one who stole the truck."

A corporate executive received a monthly bill from the law firm that was handling a big case for his company. It included hourly billing for conferences, research, phone calls, fax, photocopying, and everything but lunch hours. Unhappy as he was, the executive knew that the company would have to pay for each of these services. Then he noticed one item buried in the middle of the list: "For crossing the street to talk to you, then discovering it wasn't you at all - $125."

A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer. Incensed by the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, "If your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?" The lawyer replied, "Of course. How much was the roast?" "$7.98," said the butcher. A few days later, the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read, Legal Consultation Service: $150.

A lawyer went duck hunting for the first time in Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of the fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck, it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer replied, "This is my property and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own." The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick Rule." The lawyer asked, "What is the Texas Three-Kick Rule?" The Farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot! Now, it's my turn!" The old farmer smiled and said, "No, I give up. You can have the duck."

a man hated lawyers with a passion and every time he would pass one while driving he would run him over once while he was driving he saw a priest walking on the side. being a nice guy he offered him a ride. as he was driving he suddenly saw a lawyer so out of habit he turned to try to hit him. then remembering who was sitting in the back he right away swerved back on to the street. just then he heard a crash he turned around. the priest told him I see you missed him in the front so I got him with the back door!!!!

A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside: 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100!' An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic. Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste." Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth." Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene." Chinese: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20." The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money. Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything." Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth." Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste." Chinese: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20." The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100. Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all." Chinese: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100." Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!" Chinese: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"

A man is being paneled for jury... Attorney: Sir, do you drive? Man: Yes Attorney: And does your wife drive as well? Man: NO...NOT as well.

“The prosecutor says she can produce five witnesses who saw you running from the bank with the money bags,” a defense lawyer confided to a suspect. “That’s nothing, said the suspect. “I can produce five hundred witnesses who didn’t see me running from the bank.”

A man was checking his itemized lawyers bill. One item read:- Spotted you across the street. Crossed over to discuss a legal point in your case. When I got there it was not you after all. 20 dollars

A man was checking his itemised lawyers bill. One item read:- Spotted you across the street. Crossed over to discuss a legal point in your case. When I got there it was not you after all. 20 dollars

Two coworkers were talking by the water fountain one guy said, "Today I got through the first step of getting divorced." The second guy replies, "Oh, did you go to Mr. Guggenheim? Everyone goes to him for divorces." The first man replies, "No, I just got married".

At a party of professionals, a doctor was having difficulty socializing. Everyone wanted to describe their symptoms and get an opinion about diagnosis. The doctor turned to a lawyer acquaintance and asked, "How do you handle people who want advice outside of the office?" "Simple," answered the lawyer, "I send them a bill. That stops it." The next day, the doctor, still feeling a bit reserved about what he had just finished doing, opened his mailbox to send out the bills. Much to his surprise, there sat a bill from the lawyer.

A lawyer phones the governor’s mansion shortly after midnight. “I need to talk to the governor, it’s an emergency!” exclaims the lawyer. The governor’s assistant wakes the governor and hands him the phone. “So, what is it that’s so important that it can’t wait until morning?” grumbles the governor. “Judge Pierson just died, and I want to take his place,” begs the attorney. “Well, it’s okay with me if it’s okay with the undertaker,” replies the governor.

A mother and a daughter are visiting a deceased family member in a graveyard. On the way out the daughter asks why they bury two people in one grave. The mother asks her daughter why she says that and the daughter replies, "Well, that gravestone says 'Here lays a lawyer and an honest man.'"

An attorney ran over to the office of his client. “I can’t believe it!” said the angered attorney. “You sent a case of Dom Perignon to the judge in our case? That judge is as straight as an arrow. Now we’re certain to lose this case!” “Relax,” said the client, “I sent it in the prosecutor’s name.”

After her conviction of murder in the second degree, the District Attorney, during her sentencing hearing said, “Mrs. Grey – after you put the arsenic in the stew and served it to your husband, didn’t you feel even a little remorse for what you were doing?” “I did,” she said calmly. “And when was that?” quipped the D.A. “When he asked for seconds!” she replied.

Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a cat? A: One is an arrogant creature that will claw you out of house and money, and the other is a cat.

A young guy walks into a post office and sees a middle–aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and sprays scent all over them. His curiosity getting the best of him, the guy goes up to the man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, “I’m sending out a thousand Valentine cards signed, “Guess who?” “But why?” Asked the young guy. “I’m a divorce lawyer,” the bald man replied.

Visiting a seriously ill lawyer in the hospital, his friend found him sitting up in bed, anxiously leafing through the Bible. “What are you doing?” he asked. “Looking for loopholes,” was the lawyer’s reply.

A very well dressed and dignified lawyer called a plumber to fix his flooded bathroom. When the plumber arrived, he was carrying an extra set of overalls and took off his cap with the words “Blue Collar Man” on the brim. The dapper, impeccably groomed and expensively dressed lawyer smirked in a condescending way and said: "Interesting cap! And do you usually need a change of OVERALLS?" The plumber just smiled. When he was done the plumber gave him the bill, and told him he had to get some more equipment from his truck. He explained that he needed a new assistant because of all the work and was short-handed. He asked the lawyer if he knew of any friends who might want the job. The lawyer raised his eyebrows and pointed at his suit, his shoes and his office: "Now, do I LOOK like someone who would have a plumber for a friend?" "You're right. A high class white-collar guy like you would never know plumbers." said the plumber apologetically. "Exactly! After all, I have high standards!" sneered the upper-crust lawyer, as he checked his shoes to make sure the shine was still perfect and carefully tightened the knot of his tie. When the plumber returned, he entered the lawyer's office and there in the garbage can were the lawyer's brand new mirror-polished $700 Brooks Brothers capote business shoes, with the black silk socks rolled up and tucked neatly inside. On the floor was the hand-tailored $2,000 Armani pinstriped business suit the lawyer had been wearing, with attached paisley suspenders, as well as the natty Hermes silk tie and the matching pocket square, monogrammed gold cufflinks, starched white shirt, silver tiepin and Rolex. His law degree and briefcase were also piled up next to them. The plumber went in and the first there was the lawyer in overalls, lying under the sink with his bare feet sticking out. The plumber tapped on the soles of the lawyer's feet. The lawyer looked out, with the “Blue Collar Man” cap on top of his hundred-dollar haircut and sweat streaming down his face. He pointed at the bill and said, "You found your assistant".

A man committed murder. To fight his case he was advised to hire a good lawyer. He checked one who asked for $100. He thought this one is not good enough. The next one wanted $500. The next $5000. He found a real expensive one who wanted $10,0000.So the accused hired him. Ultimately he lost the case and was sentenced to death. As he was being taken to the death chamber, the first lawyer met him on the way and said " I would have got you this result for $100 only"!