Jokes

She entered the office of a noted divorce lawyer. "I want to know if I have grounds for divorce? "she asked. "Are you married?" asked the lawyer. "Yes, I am." "Then, "he replied, "you have ground."

When my 88-year-old mother was called for jury duty, she had to submit to questioning by the opposing lawyers. "Have you ever dealt with an attorney?" asked the plaintiff's lawyer. "Yes. I had an attorney write my living trust," she responded. "And how did that turn out?" "I don't know," she said. "Ask me again after I go."

A man hired a lawyer when he got sued by his company for the embezzlement of many millions. At the beginning of the process, the lawyer kindly reassured him, "Don’t worry, you’ll never go to jail with that amount of money.“ And the lawyer was right. When the man did go to jail eventually, he didn’t have a penny anymore.

"Excuse me," a young fellow said to an older man, "I've just moved here and I wonder if this town has any criminal lawyers?" "Well," replied the older man, "I have lived here all my life and all I can tell you is we are pretty sure we do, but no one has been able to prove it yet."

Judge: “Why did you steal the car?” Man: “I had to get to work.” Judge: “Why didn’t you take the bus?” Man: "I don’t have a driver’s license for the bus."

A lawyer was on vacation in a small farming town. While walking through the streets on a quiet Sunday morning, he came upon a large crowd gathered by the side of the road. Going by instinct, the lawyer figured that there was some sort of auto collision. He was eager to get to the injured parties but couldn't get near the car. Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim." The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a donkey.

A man went to his lawyer and asked him, "My neighbor owes me $500 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?" "Do you have any proof he owes you the money?" asked the lawyer. "Nope," replied the man. "Okay, then write him a letter asking him for the $5,000 he owes you," said the lawyer. "But it's only $500," replied the man. "Precisely. That’s what he will reply and then you’ll have your proof!"

A policeman was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. “Officer — did you see my client escaping the scene?” “No sir. Be that as it may, I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.” “Officer — who provided this description?” “The responding officer.” “A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?” “Yes, sir. With my life.” “With your life? Do you have a room where you change your clothes before your daily duties?” “Yes, sir, we do.” “And do you have a locker in the room?” “Yes, sir, I do.” “And do you have a lock on your locker?” “Yes, sir.” “Well officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, why do you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?” “You see, sir — we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.”

Talk is cheap . . . Until you hire a lawyer.

I hired a lawyer who claims to have never lost a case. We lost the case and I said, "Well, there goes your advertising claim." He replied, "I got paid and I call that a win!" "What if I don't pay you?" I asked. "I advise you to pay. I'll take you to court, get a judgement for the money you owe plus expenses. I'd call that a win win!" I said, "Okay then, what do I owe you?" His reply, "$2500 dollars plus $350." "What's the 350 for?" I demanded to know. His answer... "The advice I just gave you."

Two lawyers, Bob and Bill, were having a heated exchange during a trial. The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench. "Your Honor," said Bob, "I objected because my distinguished colleague Bill was badgering the witness. It is obvious he has never heard of the Bill of Rights." "Rubbish!" snapped Bill. "I happen to know them by heart." Bob rolled his eyes in disbelief. "Do you now? Well, Bill, I have a hundred dollars that says you can't even tell me the first few words." Bill smirked and accepted the challenge and began, "I pledge allegiance to the flag..." "Damn," Bob interrupted, fishing the money from his pocket, "I didn't think you'd know it."

A motorist was on trial for striking a pedestrian. The motorist's lawyer made this point, "Your honor, my client has been driving for over thirty years." To which the lawyer for the plaintiff retorted, "Your honor, if we are going to judge this case by experience, may I remind you that my client has been walking for over 55 years!"

The attorney tells the accused, “I have some good news and some bad news.” “What’s the bad news?” asks the accused. “The bad news is, your blood 
is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it.” “What’s the good news?” “Your cholesterol is 130.”

What did the lawyer name his daughter? Sue

A pipe burst in a lawyer's house, so he called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the lawyer a bill for $600. The lawyer exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a lawyer!" The plumber replied sympathetically, "Neither did I when I was a lawyer."

A lawyer named Strange passed away. His friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer." The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for a passerby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However, he suggested an alternative. He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer." That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark, "That's Strange."

Recently, a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that to get into Heaven they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it." The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, unable to handle the odors coming from this guy, decided to make the question a little harder. "How many people died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. "1,228," he answered. "That's right! You may enter." St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

Two lawyers, partners in small practice, close the shop and go to lunch. Suddenly the first lawyer says, "I forgot to lock the safe!" "Easy, easy," his partner soothed. "We're both here, aren't we?"

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty." The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty. "But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt, I saw all of you stare at the door." The jury foreman replied, "Oh, we did look, but your client didn't."

A judge and four lawyers were stuck in an elevator. Two were defense attorneys and the other two were on the prosecutor’s team. The light in the elevator went out but it’s well known that in the light well is a spare bulb. The question is now posed, how many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb. Answer: It only took one but it took a half hour for the judge to listen to all the arguments before he decided who had to change it.

A lawyer just purchased a new Mercedes sports car convertible and came to a stop sign. Arriving at the same time was a Hippie on a motor scooter, who leaned over and admired the beautiful car. Annoyed, the lawyer sped away as the light changed only to see the motor scooter not only catch him, but speed past him. Now Angry, he stepped on the gas and raced to 100 mph, passing the motor scooter. Once again the scooter passed him only this time it sailed off the road into a ditch. Ashamed, the lawyer caught up with the scooter and asked the Hippie if he was okay and did he need help. The Hippie replied, "I'm cool man, but could you unhitch my suspenders from your mirror?"

Fresh out of Yale and having just passed the BAR exam, Bobby was sitting in his first interview with a prestigious law firm CEO. CEO: "I see that you are fresh out of Yale, have just passed the BAR exam, and have an excellent academic record with A's in every course. But what we are looking for is someone with a few years of real-world experience." Bobby thought for a moment and replied: " Well that's okay, I actually I went to college for art, I found that resume' online, and I made up the story about taking the BAR exam. CEO: "So what you're saying is you tell creative lies that stretch the truth though research and story telling?" Bobby: "Umm.... I guess?" CEO: "Can you start work on Monday?"

A politician asked a well known author, "Did you know that 'Sumac' and 'Sugar' are the only two words in English, that begin with the letters 'Su' but are pronounced like 'Shu'?" The author replied, "Sure."

A lawyer meets with the family of a recently deceased millionaire for the reading of the will. "To my loving wife, Rose, who always stood by me, I leave the house and $2 million," the attorney reads. "To my darling daughter, Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave the yacht, the business and $1 million." "And finally," the lawyer concludes, "to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me and thought I would never mention him in my will. Well, you were wrong. Hi Dan!"

A woman made an appointment with a divorce attorney. The first thing he asked was why she wanted a divorce. She replied, "I’m not appreciated anymore and my husband even tells me I’m not a good house keeper." The attorney replied, "Oh don’t worry, you’ll keep the house."

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The city-slicker attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. He did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking. After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You are really dumb, old man, I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!" The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that darned bull came home this morning."

A lawyer is walking along the beach and spots a glass bottle in the sand. When he opens it he discovers a genie inside. Genie: Sir, I will grant you three wishes, but you must understand that whatever you wish for, every other lawyer in the world will get double. Man: Hmmm. Okay. First I'd like $100 million. Genie: No problem, but just understand that each lawyer got $200 million. Man: I understand. For my second wish, I'd like a new Porsche. In red, please. Genie: Fine. It is in your garage. And just FYI, every lawyer in the world just got two of the same. Man: That's okay with me. Genie: And for your third wish? Man: Well, I always did want to donate a kidney . . .

Death comes to take a lawyer away. The lawyer cries and pleads, "Why so early? I am only forty!" Death replies, "Not according to the hours you billed."

Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers. "So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe." Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. "You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000." The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon. "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits!"

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand." Not one hand went up . . . . so she took them home and ate them.