Jokes

"Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?" "No, this is how I dress when I go to work..."

In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner. Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse? Coroner: No. Attorney: Did you listen to the heart? Coroner: No. Attorney: Did you check for breathing? Coroner: No. Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you? Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere.

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, "You do God’s work." The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop. A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused to pay, saying, "You protect the public." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop. A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, "You serve the justice system." The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut.

The defense attorney was cross-examining the attractive witness, leaned forward and thundered, "Where were you Monday night?" "Automobile riding," replied the witness. "What about Tuesday night?" "Automobile riding." "And what are you going to be doing tomorrow night?" The prosecuting attorney leaped out of his chair protesting the last question. The judge, being a tolerant gentleman, "And why do you object?" The prosecuting attorney drew himself up in righteous indignation, "Because I asked her first."

A Frenchman, an Englishman, an American man, and a lawyer were sitting on a train. The Frenchman offered everyone some of his baguette, then threw it out the window, saying, "Don't worry - we have plenty of those where I come from." The Englishman offered everyone a crumpet, then threw the rest out of the window, saying, "Don't worry - we have plenty of those where I come from." Then the American threw the lawyer out the window, saying...

"I broke a mirror in my house and I’m supposed to get seven years of bad luck... but my lawyer thinks he can get me five."

"Did you present the delinquent account to the defendant?" inquired the lawyer of his client. "I did, sir." "And what did he say?" "He told me to go to the hell." "And what did you do then?" "Well that's when I came to you."

"Where did the car hit him?" the lawyer ask the medical expert. "At the junction of the dorsal and cervical vertebrae," replied the expert. At this point the burly foreman rose from his seat. "Boy oh boy, I've lived in these parts for over fifty years," he protested ponderously, "and I have never heard of that place!"

A nurseryman called a customer that had purchased and had decorated his Christmas tree for years, not knowing that he just had the worst of a financial deal. Nurseryman: "Are you ready to order your Christmas tree and schedule delivery and decorating it for this year?" Customer: Yes, I'm ready to schedule delivery but I am going to have my broker decorate it this year." Nurseryman: "Why your broker?" Customer: "Its the only thing he hasn't trimmed."

Me: I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present. Cop: You ARE the lawyer. Lawyer: So where’s my present?

What do you call a priest that’s also a lawyer? A father in law.

Michigan Lawyer: "Well Barney, so you want me to defend you? Have you got any money?" Barney: "No sir. I ain't got no money, but I do get a 1928 Ford Car!" Lawyer: "Well you can raise money on that. Now let's see, just what do they accuse you of stealing?" Barney: "A 1928 Ford Car."

Taylor was desperate for business, and was happy to be appointed by the court to defend an indigent defendant. The judge ordered Taylor,"You are to confer with the defendant in the hallway, and give him the best legal advice you can." After a time, Taylor re-entered the courtroom alone. When the judge asked where the defendant had gone, Taylor replied, "You asked me to give him good advice. I found out that he was so guilty, so I told him to split."

"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. "If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.

“Your Honor,” said the smartest lawyer in the world, “my client is not guilty. He merely inserted his arm into a window and stole some jewelry. His arm is not himself. I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by one arm.” “I agree,” nodded the judge. “I hereby sentence the defendant’s arm to one year in prison. He may accompany the arm or not.” “Thank you, Your Honor,” said the defendant as he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

Q: A woman from New York married ten different men from that city, yet she did not break any laws. None of these men died and she never divorced. How was this possible? A: The lady was a Justice of the Peace.

What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer? An offer you can’t understand.

An airplane was experiencing engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers return to their seats and prepare for an emergency landing. A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready. “All set back here, captain,” came the reply, “except the lawyers are still going around handing out business cards.”

A soccer hooligan is charged with disorderly conduct and assault after a match. The arresting officer states that the accused had thrown something into the river not far from the stadium. “What exactly did the accused throw into the river?” the judge asks. “Stones, sir,” the officer replies. The judge is confused. “Well, that’s hardly an offense, officer.” “It was in this case, sir,” the officer explains. “Stones was the name of the referee.”

Attorney: “She had three children, right?” Witness: “Yes.” Attorney: “How many were boys?” Witness: “None.” Attorney: “Were there any girls?” Witness: “Your honor... I think I need a different attorney!"

A lawyer was talking to his teenage son about his future career. “Why do you want to be a doctor instead of a lawyer?” he asked. “What’s wrong with lawyers?” “Well, Dad,” explained the boy, “I really want to help people. And when was the last time you heard anybody stand up in a crowd and shout frantically, ‘Is there a lawyer in the house?’”

An investment banker decides she needs in-house counsel, so she interviews a young lawyer. "Mr. Cohen," she says, "would you say you’re honest?" "Honest?" replies Mr. Cohen. "Let me tell you something about honesty. My father lent me $75,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my first case." "Impressive. And what sort of case was that?" "Dad sued me for the money."

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client and said to him, "Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news." The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first." The attorney said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right." Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?" The attorney replied, "The pictures are of you with your secretary."

There was a lawyer who was a big U2 fan... Yeah, he was pro-Bono!

The New York Times, among other papers, recently published a new Hubble Space Telescope photograph of distant galaxies colliding. Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for quite some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution provided by the Hubble Space Telescope, you can actually see the lawyers rushing to the scene.

A junior partner in a law firm was sent to represent a long-term client. After days of trial, the case was won, the client acquitted and released. Excited about his success, the attorney emailed the firm: "Justice prevailed." The senior partner replied in haste, "Appeal immediately!"

I was on a panel for prospective jury duty. The first lawyer came across as an intimidating showman. After several questions, he asked, "Do any of you here today dislike lawyers?" There was an awkward silence. All of a sudden you heard, "I do." The lawyer looks around the courtroom, and then turns to the judge. "Your Honour, I wasn't asking you, I was asking the jurors."

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you." After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan was that when he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven. Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife had gone up in the attic to clean. Coming upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash she exclaimed, "Oh, that darned old fool. He should have had me put the money in the basement."

Talk about writing skills... Lawyers are the only people who can write a 10,000-word document and call it a "brief"!

What type of apparel is the most popular with lawyers? Law-suits!