Jokes

Mama rabbit was having a heck of a time keeping her brood under control. Papa rabbit was already at work at his job in the carrot patch. "Benji, quiet down and eat your breakfast!" mama yelled. "I don't want to!" "Lisa! Quit making a mess of your room. You're making me very angry!" "I don't care!" "Lonny, quit chasing that hamster! You're going to knock something over!" "I'll quit when I catch him!" Just then the phone rang, and an exasperated mama rabbit answered the phone. "How are things going?" asked papa rabbit. "Not good," replied mama. "I'm having a bad hare day!"

What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.

One morning Quackers the duck woke up & had a bad case of chapped lips, so he went to the local drug store & asked the pharmacist for some chap stick. The pharmacist says, "That will cost you a dollar." Quackers did't have any money but asked if he could, "Just put it on his bill?"

On the first day of Spring Training, a baseball scout brings a race horse with him to add to the starting line-up. The coach asks, "What did you bring that horse here for?" The scout replies, "Wait until you see him bat." All the players are laughing, until the horse comes to bat. At this point, the horse grabs the bat, and everyone quiets down. They stare at the horse. The pitcher, just shrugs his shoulders, and throws the ball toward home plate when astonishingly the horse hits the ball deep in the outfield. The horse just stands there and does not move. The manager then yells at the baseball scout to tell the horse to run to first base. The scout looks back at the manager and yells back, "If he could run, he'd be at Belmont!"

A frog, a duck, and a skunk went to the movies. The frog and duck were allowed to see it, but the skunk wasn't. Why? Because the frog had a greenback, the duck had a bill, but the skunk had only one scent.

What kind of medical help does a mermaid seek, a vet or a doctor?

Upon entering a little country store, a stranger noticed a sign reading, “Danger! Beware of Dog” posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register. He asked the store manager, “Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?” “Yep, that’s him,” he replied. The stranger couldn’t help but be amused. “That certainly doesn’t look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?” “Because,” the owner replied, “before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.”

A pair of chickens walk up to the circulation desk at a public library and say, 'Buk Buk BUK.' The librarian decides that the chickens desire three books, and gives it to them. The chickens leave shortly thereafter. Around midday, the two chickens return to the circulation desk quite vexed and say,' Buk Buk BuKKOOK!' The librarian decides that the chickens desire another three books and gives it to them. The chickens leave as before. The two chickens return to the library in the early afternoon, approach the librarian, looking very annoyed and say, 'Buk Buk Buk Buk Bukkooook!' The librarian is now a little suspicious of these chickens. She gives them what they request, and decides to follow them. She followed them out of the library, out of the town, and to a park. At this point, she hid behind a tree, not wanting to be seen. She saw the two chickens throwing the books at a frog in a pond, to which the frog was saying, "Rrredit, Rrredit, Rrredit..."

I believe that the most popular name for a cat should be Waldo. I mean, don't you eventually end up asking where your cat is every day?

If you come home like I do and find your cat had his tail removed from fighting, just take your cat to Walmart... They're the best re-tailer!

A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a baby giraffe sitting next to him. "Are you a baby giraffe?" asked the man, surprised. "Yes." "What are you doing at the movies?" The giraffe replied, "Well, I liked the book."

Two buffalo were standing on the range when a passing tourist said, "Those are the mangiest, scroungiest, most moth-eaten, miserable beasts I have ever seen." One of the buffalo turned to the other and said, "You know, I think I just heard a discouraging word.

There's a man trying to cross the street. As he steps off the curb a car comes screaming around the corner and heads straight for him. The man walks faster, trying to hurry across the street, but the car changes lanes and is still coming at him. So the guy turns around to go back, but the car changes lanes again and is still coming at him. By now, the car is so close and the man so scared that he just freezes and stops in the middle of the road. The car gets real close, then swerves at the last possible moment and screeches to a halt right next him. The driver rolls down the window. The driver is a squirrel. The squirrel says to the man, "See, it's not as easy as it looks, is it?"

A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Not a soul was in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets. The salesman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him. The dog looked up and said, "Don't be surprised. This is just part of my job." "Incredible!" exclaimed the man. "I can't believe it! Does your boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk!" "No, no," pleaded the dog. "Please don't! If that man finds out I can talk, he'll make me answer the phone as well!"

A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.” The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”

Why do cowboys need two spurs? Are they afraid one side of the horse might take off galloping by itself?

I have a pet who is a continual source of personal annoyance and irritation. Truth be told, he really bothers the heck out of me. I named my pet, "Peeve."

Mama bear, papa bear, and baby bear were having a great time chasing vacationers in a car as they were visiting Yellowstone National Park. "Daddy?" "Yes, Baby Bear?" "I think we could be doing a better job of scaring these vacationers." "But Baby Bear," Mama Bear injected. "What more can we do?" "Maybe we'd have more of an effect on them if we got out of this car and started chasing them on all fours!"

Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt. The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist watch, and a Pierre Cardin tie gets out and asks the shepherd, "If I can tell you how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?" The shepherd looks at the young man, then looks at the large flock of grazing sheep and replies, "Okay." The young man parks the car, connects his laptop to the mobile-fax, enters a NASA Website, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a database and 60 Excel tables filled with algorithms and pivot tables. He then prints out a 150-page report on his high-tech mini-printer, turns to the shepherd and says, ‘'You have exactly 1,586 sheep." The shepherd cheers, "That's correct, you can have your choicest sheep from the herd." The young man takes one of the animals which he likes most and cute from the flock and puts it in the back of his Porsche. The shepherd looks at him and asks, "If I guess your profession, will you return my animal to me?" The young man laughed and answers, "Yes, why not?" The shepherd says, "You are an auditor." "How did you know?" asks the young man. "Very simple," answers the shepherd. " First, you came here without being wanted. Secondly, you charged me a fee to tell me something I already knew. Thirdly, you don't understand anything about my business... now can I have my DOG back?"

Two dogs were walking down the street. The one dog says to the other, "Wait here a minute, I'll be right back." He walks across the street and sniffs this fire hydrant for a while, then walks back across the street. The other dog asks, "What was that about?" The first dog replies, "Just checking my messages."

Buy a dog a toy and the dog will play with it forever... Buy a cat a toy and the cat will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.

"When I walk into a room, I expect your undivided attention. Don't look over here or over there, look at me. If you say something to me, I just may want to ignore you. That's my prerogative. In addition, when I utter so much as a sound, you are to smile, nod approvingly, and praise me." Sounds like your boss, right? Well, you're half right. I'm also your cat!

Driving down the street in Sydney, Australia, I was pulled over and given a ticket for "failing to yield to a leaping marsupial". And then I knew the fix was in, when on the citation it stated that I was to appear in Kangaroo Court!

There are 10 birds sitting on a fence... If you shoot one down, how many are left? None, they all flew away!

Harry arrived early for his date and he waited in the living room while she finished getting ready. Her pup walked into the room with a ball. He tossed the ball and the pup fetched it. He repeated the game a few times when the ball bounced too high and went out on to the patio of the 23 story building. The eager pup chased it as it bounced high against the wall and unfortunately went over the wall and down the 23 floors. Shaken, Harry struggled with how he could possibly explain what happened to his date. When she entered the room, Harry said, "Did you notice how depressed your pup seemed to be today?"

I went into my local wireless store looking for a solution to a problem. "I have a horse that I can't seem to get going when I mount him," I told the customer service representative. "Nellie won't listen to my commands, and when she does start moving, it's just a slow, lazy trot." "I have just what you need for your phone," the rep replied. "And what would that be?" "The latest version of the "Giddy-App!"

Joe was invited by his friend Steve to go hunting quail over the weekend. Steve was very excited to show off his new hunting dog to Joe. That weekend, they were out in the country walking thru thick grasslands when Steve's hunting dog stop, went into a pointing position towards some bushes, and then tapped the ground three times. Steve told Joe that his dog is telling him three quails are in the bushes . Sure enough three quails flew out of the bushes into the air. Joe shot one and Steve got the other two. This went on most of the day with the dog tapping the ground the number of quail that were in the bushes and the guys shooting them when they flew out. Nearing the end of their hunting trip, Steve's dog stopped and froze near a large bush. He sat there for a minute and then ran off and returned with a branch in his mouth and started moving his head left to right. Joe was confused at this new behavior and asked Steve what was going on. Steve replied, "My dog is telling us there are more quail in there than you can shake a stick at!"

What did the the owl devil say to the sinning owl? Owl be damned!

What do you call an owl that does magic? Hoodini!

Some deer were talking with each other in the woods. "There goes Barney the buck, out on his sales route." "They say he's their top selling salesdeer, selling cosmetics to the ladies." "I wonder what makes him so successful?" "It's simple. He goes doe to doe!"