Jokes

"I thought I told you to keep an eye on your cousin," the mother said. "Where is he?" "Well," her son replied thoughtfully, "if he knows as much about canoeing as he thinks he does, he's out canoeing. If he knows as little as I think he does, he's out swimming."

Explaining the population explosion of the world a teacher was elaborating "Suppose all world population are walking and jumping off the globe. The line will still be endless" A student appeared confused and the teacher clarified " You see as and when a person jumps off another will be born and the line will continue for ever" Still the young student wore the bewildered look "What is the doubt" the teacher asked. You said, "You said, they were all walking, teacher"

"Louisa" asked her small brother, "could you help me with my math homework?" "Certainly not," replied Louisa indignantly. "It wouldn't be right." "Maybe not," said her brother, "but you could at least try...!"

Alfie had been listening to his sister practicing her singing. "Sis," he said, "I wish you'd sing Christmas Carols." "That’s nice of you, Alfie," she said. "Why?" "Then I'd only have to hear you once a year!"

“I hear you’ve got a new baby sister,” said Jonathan to his friend William. “Yeah.” “Is she fun to play with?” “Nah.” “Well, why don’t you change her?” “We can’t,” explained William, “we’ve had her for a week already.”

“Johnny, I’ve had a letter from your Principal, said the father. It seems you’re very careless with your appearance.” “Am I, Dad?” “Yes. You haven’t appeared in school since last semester!”

The three friends were walking home from school. “What shall we do this afternoon?” said one. “I know,” said the second, let’s spin a coin. If it comes down heads let’s go skating, and if it comes down tails let’s go swimming.” “And if it comes down on its edge,” said the third, “let’s stay in and do our homework!”

Little Jimmy's mother was serving prunes for dessert, but little Jimmy didn't like prunes one little bit! He grumbled and complained and absolutely refused to eat them. Mother was very cross and told Jimmy that God would be very angry if he didn't eat his prunes. Still he wouldn't eat them, so in desperation, mother sent him to his room. Later in the evening a fierce thunderstorm blew up. There was much thunder and lightning. Feeling somewhat sorry for little Jimmy and thinking that he might be afraid of the storm, mother went up to his room. When she opened the door, Jimmy was kneeling looking out the window. Mother heard him say, "Gee whiz, God, all this just for two measly prunes?"

Q. Why are pancakes like a baseball game? A. Because they depend on the batter.

Q. What do you call a person who goes on talking when nobody listens? A. A teacher!

Q: What should you do if you are imagining that you are in a jungle and that a lion is chasing you? A: Stop Imagining

A little girl was being selfish to her brothers. Her Dad sat her down and gave her a big lecture about being selfish. When he was done, the little girl said; "Daddy, I don't even have a shell fish!

On the way to lunch, a teacher spotted two boys playfully fighting. She asked one of the boys to go to the back of the line and he came back right after. ”Why aren't you at the end of the line?" asked the teacher. The boy replied, "I couldn't, someone was already there."

A preacher was walking down the street when he notices a little boy trying to ring the doorbell but it's just out of his reach. he watches his efforts for some time and walks over to press the the bell. After he pressed it he leveled down to the boy and asked' "Now what?" to which the boy turned and shouted, "NOW WE RUN!!"

A young man was paying an over-night visit to an out-of-town boyhood friend and his wife and young son. When it came time to retire, the young man was told he could sleep in the same bed as his son. After putting on his pajamas and entering the young son's room, he noticed the lad was stooped on the side of the bed with his head bowed. The young man proceeded to do the same thing on his side of the bed, thinking the lad was praying. "What are you doing?” said the lad. "The same thing you are", answered the young man. "Oh, boy"! Said the young lad. "Mommy’s going to' be real mad at you, because the potty is on this side of the bed!"

A Cub Scout troop was half an hour late to its den meeting. The den mother asked them severely, “Why are you so late?” “Oh,” said one boy, “we were helping an old man cross the street.” “That’s a nice thing for scouts to do,” said the mother. She paused. “But it shouldn’t make you half an hour late.” “Well, you see,” said another boy, “he didn’t want to go.”

A third grader that got into trouble from time to time was in the principal’s office for a quiet talking to. “And Peter,” asked the principal, “how do yu like your teacher? Do you get along all right?’ “Oh, yes sir,” replied Peter. “ I think she’s the cream of the coop.”

A salesman telephone a household, and a four-year-old answered. Salesman: May I speak to your mother? Child: She is not here. Salesman: Well, is anyone else there? Child: My sister Salesman: O.K., fine. May I speak to her? Child: I guess so. There was a long silence on the other phone. Then: Child: Hello? Salesman: It’s you. I thought you were going to call your sister. Child: I did. The trouble is: I can’t get her out of the playpen.

The mother of a small child was concerned about her daughter’s selfish behavior and gave her something of a lecture, stressing that we are put in this world to help others. Her daughter seemed much impressed and sat silently, thinking and scratching her head. At last she looked up and said, “Mommy?” “Yes, dear?” replied her mother. “What I want to know is, what are the others for?”

Making conversation with the boy who enjoyed watching tv ads, the pediatrician asked six-year-old patient, "Johnny, if you found a couple of dollars and had to spend them, what would you buy?” “A box of Tampax,” he replied without hesitation. “Tampax?” said the doctor. “What would you do with that?” “Well,” said Johnny, “I do not know exactly, but it’s sure worth two dollars. With tampax, it says on TV, you can go swimming, go horseback riding, and also go skating, any time you want to.”

A salesman telephone a household, and a four-year-old answered. Salesman: May I speak to your mother? Child: She is not here. Salesman: Well, is anyone else there? Child: My sister Salesman: O.K., fine. May I speak to her? Child: I guess so. There was a long silence on the other phone. Then; Child: Hello? Salesman: It’s you. I thought you were going to call your sister. Child: I did. The trouble is: I can’t get her out of the playpen.

A young girl was very much interested in the progress of her mother’s pregnancy. Finally the day of birth drew near and the girl overheard arrangements being made for her mother to go to the hospital. She looked at her mother with great puzzlement and said, “Mom, I don’t understand. If they’re going to deliver the baby, why do you have to go to the hospital?”

A little girl complained that she didn’t want to go back to school. “But why, Lisa?” asked her mother. “Well, I can’t read, I can’t write, and they won’t let me talk.”

It was local election time and the candidate was visiting all the houses in his area. At one house a small boy answered the door. “Tell me, young man, “said the politician, “Is your Mommy in the Republican Party or the Democratic Party?” “Neither,” said the child, “she’s in the bathroom.”

Ozzie came home from school with a black eye and cut lips. His mother sighed deeply, “Oh, Ozzie, you’ve been in another fight.” “But, Mom,” sniffled Ozzie, “I was just keeping a little boy from being beaten up by a bigger boy.” ‘Well,” said Mom, “that was brave. Who was the little boy?” “Me, Mommy.”

A young girl’s father had been in the hospital for a serious operation, and for several days he could not receive visitors. Still in pretty bad shape, he was finally allowed a visit from his family. His young daughter was baffled by her father’s condition. “But Dad, you look awful! Didn’t you get my get-well-card?”

A little girl was eating a doughnut on her way to church. Since she could not eat inside, she left it outside and she prayed, "God, will you please watch my doughnut and not go anywhere else? Thank you!" Then she went inside. When the priest said, "God is here, God is there, and God is everywhere!" The little girl said, ”You are wrong! God is outside watching my doughnut!"

Q. "Why did the cookie got to the doctor's?" A. "Because he was feeling crummy!"

Little Emily was complaining to her mother that her stomach hurt. Her mother replied, “That’s because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it." The next day, the pastor was over at Emily's family's house for lunch. He mentioned having his head hurt, to which Emily immediately replied, "That's because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it."

His father sends a small boy to bed. Five minutes later.... "Da-ad...." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?" "No. You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??" "I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!" Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....." "WHAT!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"