Jokes

Q: Why was the math book sad A: Because it had too many problems

Son: Dad You Are My Hero. Dad: Really! Son: Yes. Son: Can You Give Me An Autograph With Your Eyes Closed? Dad: Well, Yes. Son: Then Sign My Report Card With Your Eyes Closed.

When I was in second grade, my Grandma told me that she wrote a book. She said, “Look, I’m in print.” I said, “That’s great Grandma, but I’m in cursive.”

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness," her mother explained. "And today is the happiest day in her life." The child thought about this for a moment and then asked, "So why is the groom wearing black then?"

As a distinguished matron approached the church entrance, a little boy stepped aside and held the door for her. "What a polite little doorman," she said as she walked through. "Is there a tip involved?" "Oh, no," answered the young man. "My mother taught me never to be good for money, but always to be good for nothing."

A father came home from work one night to find his little boy sitting on the cat, with a pen and paper in his hand. “Why are you sitting on Felix?” he asked. “Well, teacher told us to write an essay on the family pet.”

Doug had just formed his own rock band, and his little brother said one day, “Doug, I wish you and your band could be on TV!” “You think we’re good, eh?” “Then I could turn you off!”

“Hello, Ginger!” Her brother called cheerily to his sister. “Don’t call me Ginger!” she snapped furiously. “My hair is the color of gold.” “Yeah,” he replied with a jeer, “twenty-two carrots!”

A teacher said to her student, "Billy, if both of your parents were born in 1967, how old are they now?" After a few moments, Billy answered, "It depends." "It depends on what?" she asked. "It depends on whether you ask my father or my mother."

A little Henry sits at the dinner table, reaches into his plate, picks up a chicken leg, and starts to eat. His mother says, "Henry did you wash your hands?" Henry replies, "No! I don’t want my chicken to taste like soap mom!

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he’d found a cat, but it was dead. “How do you know that the cat was dead?” the teacher asked. “Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move,” answered the child innocently. “You did WHAT?!?” the teacher exclaimed in surprise. “You know,” explained the boy, “I leaned over and went ‘Pssst!’ and it didn’t move.”

A little girl asked her mother, “Can I go outside and play with the boys?” Her mother replied, “No, you can’t play with the boys, they’re too rough.” The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, “If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?”

Why did Mickey Mouse go to space? ..................... To visit Pluto

At a wedding, there was a child that walked down the aisle. Every two steps he stopped, put his hands up in the air like claws, and gave a little roar. So it kept going. Step Step Roar, Step Step Roar. When he finally got to the altar the guests were in tears laughing. When asked why he was doing this he said, “I was the ring bear!"

Mrs. Sullivan and her little daughter Patty were outside the church watching all the comings and goings of a wedding. After the photographs had been taken, everyone had driven off to the reception, and all the excitement was over. Patty asked her mother, “Why did the bride change her mind, Mommy? “How do you mean, change her min?” asked Mrs. Sullivan. “Well said the child, “she went into the church with one man and came out with another!”

“I saw you kissing my sister last night!” jeered the brat to the embarrassed teenager. “All right all right! Not so loud,” said the youth. “Here’s fifty cents to keep your mouth shut.” “Gee, thank! Wait a minute and I’ll give you twenty cents change.” “Twenty cents change? What for?” “I like to be fair,” said the youngster, “and it’s the same price for everybody!”

Q: What did the zero say to the eight? A: Nice belt.

“Why does your husband always call you his Fair Lady when you’re a brunet?” “He is a bus conductor”

Teacher: "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?" Pupil: "The moon." Teacher: "Why?" Pupil: "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don't need it."

What did the hot dog say when he crossed the finish line? I’m the wiener!

Q. What is pink and fluffy? A. Pink Fluff Q. Whats purple and fluffy? A. Pink fluff holding it's breath.

Son: Dad!, Dad! I got a part in the school play! I play the husband. Dad: Too bad they did not give a speaking role.

Hearing a scream from the playroom, the mother rushed in and found her infant daughter pulling the hair of her four-year-old bother. After separating them, the mother said to her son, “Don’t be upset with your sister, honey. She didn’t know she was hurting you.” No sooner had the mother returned to he chores than she heard more screaming. This time she rushed in and found the baby crying. “Now what happened?” she asked. “Nothing,” said the boy, “except that now she knows.”

A hat said to the coat on the coat rack, "You stay here, I'll go on ahead."

The man in the cafe asked the waiter, "What is this mouse doing in my alphabet soup?" The waiter looked for a minute and said, "Learning to read sir."

A little girl walked proudly into a dry goods store to buy material for a dress for her doll. When she came to the cash register she asked, “What does this cost?" "For a sweet little girl like you," replied the man (feeling generous)"I'll charge only one little kiss." "Thanks" replied the tot. "Grandma said whatever it is, to charge it and she'll be by tomorrow to pay for it."

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'" Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"

My son's kindergarten class was asked to draw self-portraits for a class project. My son of course followed the instructions but as he proudly passed in his "Monet” the teacher was astonished - He had drawn himself Naked... The Teacher called him to her desk and asked "Jordan, What is this?" He replied, "If you don't know what it is then I'm not going to tell you."

A man selling carpet called a home and a little boy with a whisper answered the phone the man introduced himself to the child and asked if he could speak to his father the little boy said, "no" the man asked why not? The little boy exclaimed, " He’s busy" so the man asked to speak with his mother, the little boy said, "no" the man asked why not? The little boy said, “She's busy” so the man asked if there were any other grown ups in the house. The little boy said, “ yes a policeman and a fireman” the man asked to speak to the policeman the little boy said, “no” He’s busy so the man asked to speak to the fireman and the little boy said, “no” He’s busy so the man puzzled said, there are four grownups in your house and they are all busy, do you mind if I ask what are they doing? The little boy still in a whisper says " yah they are looking for me"

Mother had just finished waxing the floors when she heard her young son opening the front door. She shouted, “Be careful on that floor, Jimmy; it’s just been waxed.” Jimmy, walking right in, replied, “Don’t worry, Mom, I’m wearing my cleats.”