Jokes

Three young boys were boasting about their grandpas. The first boy said: "My grandpa is a great swimmer. He can swim for hours before getting out of the water!" The second boy said, "That's nothing. My grandpa always goes swimming at 6:00 in the morning every day, and only comes back at 9:00 pm because my mom says he has to!" The third boy says, "Your grandpas are both bad at swimming! My grandpa started swimming in this pond 20 years ago, and he hasn't come out since!!!"

Billy and Tommy were watching a boat pull a man on skis across the lake. “What makes that boat go so fast?” asked little Billy. It’s because that man on the string is chasing it,” said Tommy.

Billy and John were given a toboggan for their birthday. After they had been out playing in the snow, Billy was in tears. “Now, John,” said his father, “I told you to let Billy use the toboggan half the time.” “And I did,” said Billy. “I had it going down, and he had it going up.”

Larry tells Harry: When I grow up, I am going to be a policeman and follow in my father’s footsteps. I did not know your father was a policeman, said Harry. He is not …. He is a burglar replied Larry.

Little Johnny was raking leaves with his Dad who was telling him about how the fairies turned the leaves brown. He looked up puzzled and said: Dad haven’t you ever heard of photosynthesis?”

In Sunday school little Kathy was drawing a Nativity picture…. There were Mary and Joseph, shepherds and wise men. “What’s that in the corner Kathy?” asked the teacher. “That’s their TV, of course,” replied Kathy.

A little boy asked his dad for a dollar to give to a little old lady in the park. His father impress by his son’s kindness, gave him the dollar. “There you are my son,” said the father. “But, tell me, isn’t the little lady able to work any more? “She sells candy” was the boy’s reply.

A third-grade child was asked by his teacher to spell “straight.” The boy did so without error. “Now,” said the teacher, “what does it mean?” “Without water” was his reply.

A first grade teacher was looking at her students as they were trying out their desk computers. One boy was staring at the screen, looking dumbstruck and confused. The teacher came and read what was on the screen and in her most reassuring voice said, “The computer wants to know what your name is." The boy then leaned over and whispered, “My name is David."

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. As her dad donned his tuxedo she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit.” “And why not, darling?” he asked. “You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.”

At a Catholic school, there was a "meet the teacher" open house for the 2nd graders. After the meeting, a Nun announced that there would be a small reception afterwards in the cafeteria. All the children and parents filed in, and saw on a table a plate of apples, a plate of cookies, and some water bottles and juice. As the children went through the line, one boy saw that there was a sign on the plate of apples that said, "Take only one. God is watching." So, the boy took an apple and moved on to the cookies. He helped himself, and then took a small piece of paper, and wrote: "Take all you want”. God is watching the apples."

At a Sunday school class the teacher asked a child; do you pray to God before lunch or dinner? The child said, “No ma'am, my moms a good cook!”

Q: Why did the goose cross the road? A: Because the chicken was on vacation

One day two little boys were arguing about religion. The one boy said Protestants are better than Catholics. The other boy said Catholics were better than Protestants. The one Protestant boy said, "Oh Yeah. I bet you don't even know the lord's middle name". The Catholic boy says, "The Lord doesn't have a middle name". "Oh yes he does" said the Protestant boy. The Catholic says, "Ok what is it"? The little Protestant boy says, "That's easy". Haven't you ever said the Lord's Prayer where it says, "Our father who art in heaven, Howard be thy name."

A man and his son walk into a shoe store when the sales man asks, "How can I help you?" The man says he has a dinner to go to and is looking for the right type of shoes. The salesman asks if he is looking for dress shoes, the little boy pipes up and says," but my dad doesn’t wear dresses."

Q. Why did the kid eat his homework? A. His teacher said it was a piece of cake.

Teacher: What does your father do for a living? Student: He is a magician. Teacher: what is his favorite event. Student: He cuts people in two. Teacher: How many brothers and sisters do you have? Student: One half-brother and one half-sister....

Mom says to her daughter: " Jennie you have your boot on the wrong foot! Little Jennie replies, "Mommy, I didn't know I had a wrong foot".

Q: Why did the turtle cross the street? A: To get to the shell station

How do you catch a squirrel that likes hazel nuts? Climb a tree, act like a nut but whisper, "Oh, Filbert."

A mom concerned about her kindergarten son's safety walking to school but not wanting to embarrass him, asked a neighbor if she would follow him but not too close for him to notice. The neighbor Mrs. Goodnest said no problem since she needed to take her toddler Marcy for a walk. The next day Mrs. Goodnest and her girl Marcy followed the boys. After a week of being followed a friend asked Timmy if he noticed the lady following them. Timmy said yes. His friend asked if he knew her. Timmy said yes, she is Shirley Goodnest and her daughter Marcy. His friend asked why was she following them. Timmy answered; well every night my mom makes me say the 23rd psalm with my prayers. In the psalm it says, “Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life" so I'll just have to get use to it.

A father buys his son 2 Goldfish, and once the father has given the boy the fish, he tells him he must call the goldfish 1 and 2. Puzzled, the boy asks his father why this is, well the father replies, if 1 dies, you still got 2!!!

Mr. Parker saw his son’s shiner and demanded, “Jimmy, who gave you that black eye?” “No one,” replied the spunky child. “I had to fight for it.”

“Jenny!” screamed her mother, “why are you feeding birdseed to the cat?” “I have to,” Jenny replied. “That’s where my canary is.”

A Sunday school teacher asked the children in her class, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into Heaven?" "No!" the children all answered. "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into Heaven?" Again the answer was "No!" "Well", she continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?" A five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday school, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

For weeks a five-year-old child kept telling his kindergarten teacher about the baby sister or brother that was expected at his house. One day the mother allowed the child to feel the movements of the unborn baby. The five-year-old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Moreover, he stopped telling the teacher about the awaiting event. Finally the teacher sat the child on her lap and said, “Lucas, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home? “Lucas burst into tears and confessed, “I think Mommy ate it!”

Billy walks into class late. His teacher says, “Billy, do not walk into class late again." The next day Billy crawls into class late once again. His teacher says, “Billy, I thought I told you not to come into class late?" Billy responds, "No, you told me I couldn't walk into class late."

A little boy came home with his parents from church one Sunday. He seemed a little depressed, so his mother asked him if something happened in Sunday school class that he would like to talk about. He told his mother "Well, we were singing songs and the teacher made us sing about a poor bear named Gladly that needed glasses and I can't stop thinking about him. She said he was cross-eyed and I feel bad for him. The mother couldn't understand why the teacher would teach such a song in Sunday school, so she decided to call her. To the woman’s amazement, the teacher said she only taught hymns that morning. Then the teacher began laughing out loud and said to the mother, “I know what Jeffrey’s' talking about! We learned the hymn 'Gladly The Cross I'd Bear'".

A little boy returned from the grocery store with his mom. While his mom put away the groceries, the little boy opened his box of animal crackers and spread them all over the kitchen table. "What are you doing?" asked his mom. "The box says you shouldn't eat them if the seal is broken," said the little boy. "I'm looking for the seal."