Jokes

A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?" One child blurted out, "Aces!"

Teacher: Joey, how do you spell 'crocodile'? Joey: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L' Teacher: No, that's wrong. Joey: Maybe it is wrong, but you did ask me how I spelled it."

A girl drew a picture of a car on a long road with a driver and 2 people in back seat and there were tree's in the background. They ask her what story did that represent. She said that is when God drove Adam and Eve from the garden of Eden.

A mother and father read a bedtime story of a king to their five year old son. As the story concludes, the son says, "Mom, I also want five wives. One will cook, one will sing, one will bathe me..." Mom: "And one will put you to sleep!" Son: "No mom, I will still sleep with you." Mom's eyes fill up with tears: "God bless you son." Mom continues: "But who will sleep with your 5 wives?" Son: "Let them sleep with daddy." Daddy's eyes fill up with tears: "God bless you son."

An old man gets out of prison, after many years being locked up. He stands at the pavement, and yells, "I'm free! I'm free!" As he shouts, a little kid walks up to him happily and joins, “I’m four! I’m four!"

Husband brings the child home from kindergarten and asks his wife, "He’s been crying the whole way home. Is he sick or something?" "No," replies the wife, "he was just trying to tell you he isn’t our Frankie."

Wilfred had just learned his ABC's and was very scared of reciting them in front of his class. He stood in front of the class trembling and began, "A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, and Z." His teacher said, "Very good, Wilfred. But you forgot P. Where's the P?" He replied," It's running down my leg."

What do you call a girl on the beach with no arms and no legs? Sandy What was here friends name? Shelly What do you call a boy with no arms and no legs on the porch? Matt What do you call a boy with no arms and no legs in the ocean? Bob What do you call a girl with one leg longer than the other? Eileen

Q: What did the kid say to his mom when he saw a man in a wheelchair? A: Mommy, why did that transformer break halfway through.

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?" "Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly. "Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first... A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?" The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death when you don't know one piece of crap from another?" And then she went back to reading her book.

Vikas was singing in the bath and I could not understand the words so I asked him, "What are you singing?" He replied, "Dad isn't very good at this song so I am singing it in fast forward "

A girl was given a tea set for her second birthday. It became one of he favorite toys, and when her mother went away for a few weeks to care for her sick aunt, the toddler loved to take her father a little cup of tea, which was just water really, while he was engrossed watching the news on TV. He sipped each "cup of tea" he was brought and lavished generous praise on the taste, leaving the little girl immensely proud. Eventually the mother returned home and the father couldn't wait to show her how his little princess had been looking after him. On cue, the girl took him his "cup of tea" and he sipped it before praising it to the heavens. The mother watched him drink it and said: "Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"

Bert: Hey Ernie, would you like some ice cream? Ernie: Sherbert

After tucking their three-year-old child Sammy in for bed one night, his parents heard sobbing coming from his room. Rushing back in, they found him crying hysterically. He managed to tell them that he had swallowed a penny and he was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking was helping. His father, in an attempt to calm him down, palmed a penny from his pocket and pretended to pull it from Sammy's ear. Sammy was delighted. In a flash, he snatched it from his father's hand, swallowed, and then cheerfully demanded, "Do it again, Dad!"

Peter went home from school and with full of excitement, looked for his mother. Peter: Mother, I almost made it as top 1 student of our class for this school year! Mother: Oh really, I'm so proud of you son! So, you must be the top 2 then? Peter: No mother, our teacher pointed to my seatmate, had she pointed me, I would have been the top 1 in our class! Almost mom! Almost!

3 boys are fishing on a river and a man comes floating by screaming help. The 3 boys grab the man and they realize it is Justin Bieber! Justin said thank you and he wanted to give each boy a gift, anything they wanted. The first boy said, I haven't been to Disney World. Justin gave him and his family an all expense paid trip to Florida. The second boy said, that he loves fishing but his dad works to much. Justin bought him and his dad an all expense paid trip to Alaska. The third boy said what about a motorized wheel chair, with a tv and an Xbox attached, and it dispenses candy. Justin said yes, and that was great that he was giving away his gift. He asked who would be getting this gift? It's for me he replied. To that Justin replied, you can walk just fine though. I will need that wheel chair after my dad finds out I pulled you out of the river.

Little Bobby came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday." Little Bobby was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Bobby's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Bobby, of course, thought he did. Bobby's mother wanted Bobby to reflect on his behavior over the last year. "Go to your room, Bobby, and think about how you have behaved this year. Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday." Little Bobby stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter. Letter 1 Dear God, I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one. Your friend, Bobby Bobby knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over. Letter 2 Dear God, This is your friend Bobby. I have been a good boy this year and I would like a red bike for my birthday. Thank you. Your friend Bobby Bobby knew that this wasn't true either. So, he tore up the letter and started again. Letter 3 Dear God, I have been an "OK "boy this year. I still would really like a bike for my birthday. Bobby Bobby knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Bobby wrote a fourth letter. Letter 4 God, I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday. Please! Thank you, Bobby Bobby knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike. Now, Bobby was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mom that he wanted to go to church. Bobby's mother thought her plan had worked, as Bobby looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," Bobby's mother told him. Bobby walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little Bobby went into the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. Bobby bent down and picked up a statue of the Mary. He slipped the statue under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Bobby began to write his letter to God. Letter 5 God, I'VE KIDNAPPED YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE! !!!!!!!!!

My cute little Granddaughter asks me, "Grandpa can I have $10 please?" I said, "Well sure hun what's it for?" She says, "Well you old tightwad every time I ask for a twenty spot you say No!!!"

Dad ask my Mom, why wont you let the boy wear his hat, coat and gloves to go out and build a snowman with the other kids? Mom - I don't want him to stay out long enough to catch cold!

My daughter was listening to her radio in the other room, I yelled out to her and ask, "What the heck is that disturbing noise?" She replied, "That's my radio daddy." I said, "Well try mine it doesn't sound like that!"

Entering first grade, I was ask by the teacher if I had learned my ABCs and could I count to 100? I answered yes I had, now can I be a Pharmacist?

Three young boys stand around talking about how fast their dads are. First boy said my dad is so fast he can turn the light off and still get in bed before the light goes out. Second boy goes my dad is so fast he can turn the hose off run to the end still get a full glass of water. Third boy says my dad is so fast, he has a government job he gets off of work at 5 and he's home by 3.

The left eye said to the right eye: "Something has come between us and it smells."

Knock knock ... Who's there? Boo Boo who? You don't need to cry it's just a joke!

What did the Beaver say to the tree? Nice Gnawin ya!

Q: Why did the man take toilet paper to the party? A: Because he was a party pooper.

Q: Why did the picture go to jail? A: Because it was framed.

Q: What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish? A: Every morning you'll rise and shine!

A father sends a small boy to bed. Five minutes later.... "Da-ad...." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?" "No. You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??" "I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!" Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....." "WHAT!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

Q: Where do pencils go for vacation? A: Pencil-vania.