Jokes

I was visiting a friend who could not find her cordless phone. After several minutes of searching, her young daughter spoke up. “You know what they should invent? A phone that stays connected to its base so it never gets lost.”

I should have known better than to take my four-year-old son shopping with me. I spent the entire time in the mall chasing after him. Finally, I’d had it. "Do you want a stranger to take you?!" I scolded. Thrilled, he yelled back, "That depends, will HE take me to the zoo?"

A boy with a pea shooter, ran out of ammunition, and discovering a box of laxative pills, tried one in his blow gun. To his great joy, it fit. There was a boarding house near by, and every Wednesday noon a big pan of custard was placed upon the window sill to cool. From his vantage point in the window of another house, the boy shot all the pills into the custard. The boy soon found out that he was an expert marksman and the custom of custard on Wednesday quickly passed into history at the boarding house.

Five-year-old Matt, worked with a speech therapist on the 'ch' sound, which came out sounding like a 'k' sound. The therapist asked him to say chicken. His response sounded more like kitchen. They tried again and again, but it always came out kitchen. Undeterred, she pushed him for one more try. Matt sighed and said, “Why don’t we just call it a duck?”

Two boys were fishing on the bank of a river. The one boy remarked that being a visionary must be very difficult. He went on to say much more and added that visionaries are seldom understood in they're life time. The other boy replied, "Then you must be a visionary, cause I have no idea what you’re talking about!"

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day. "My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy. "Tommy," replied the second. "My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer." "Honest?" asked Billy. "No, just the regular kind," replied Tommy.

A boy was talking to his kindergarten friend at recess. He said, "When I grow up I want to be the big bad wolf." "Why?" asked his friend. "Because I want to deliver presents to kids all over the world on Christmas," he replied. Looking puzzled his friend said, "I believe you’re thinking of Santa Claus." "Nope," he replies, "it’s the big bad wolf. How else are you going to put presents in locked houses?" "Then what does Santa Clause do?" asked the friend. "Santa puts money under your pillow if you lose a tooth. Next recess I’ll tell you how Little Red Riding hood met the three bears. Oh and why the Easter Bunny hangs out with the three little pigs who went wee, wee, wee, all the way home!" "How do you know all this stuff?" "It’s easy, mom makes my dad read to me every night."

Son: Dad, will you remember me in 5 years? Dad: Yes. Son: 1 year? Dad: Yes. Son: 6 months? Dad: Yes. Son: 1 month? Dad: Yes Son 1 week? Dad: Yes. Son: 5 days? Dad: Yes. Son: 5 hours? Dad: Yes. Son: 1 hour? Dad: Yes. Son: 30 minutes? Dad: Yes. Son: 1 minute? Dad: Yes. Son: 1 second? Dad: Yes. Son: Knock Knock Dad: Who's there? Son: See, you forgot me already!!!

Many years ago I had stopped in to bring my girlfriend some pizza while she was babysitting. We received a call that her grandmother had been taken to the hospital, so I agreed to watch the children, so she could meet her family at the hospital. Well, the parents were at a movie and these were the days before cell phones, so I couldn’t get in touch with them. I thought I was doing pretty well, though. At bedtime I sent the kids upstairs to bed and settled down to watch some TV. One child kept creeping down the stairs, but I just kept sending him back to bed. At 9 pm the doorbell rang, it was the next-door neighbor, asking whether her son was there. I said, “No.” Just then a little head appeared over the banister and shouted, "I'm here, Mom, but he won't let me go home!"

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad writes a few words, he calls it a poem, they give him $100." The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad writes a few words, he calls it a song, they give him $200." The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad writes a few words, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

Why do the street signs that say "SLOW CHILDREN" have a picture of running child?

At the supermarket, a woman shopped with her four boys and a baby. Her patience was wearing thin as the boys called out, "Mommy! Mommy!" while she tried to shop. Finally, she blurted out, "I don’t want to hear the word mommy for at least ten minutes!" The boys fell silent for a few seconds. Then one tugged on his mother’s dress and said softly, "Excuse me, miss."

Mother: Don't forget to include Grandma in your prayers tonight, that God would bless her and let her live to be very old. Daughter: Oh, she's old enough. I'd rather pray that God would make her young.

The six year old daughter enjoyed asking questions. She enjoyed asking lots of questions. Finally, one day, the girl's mom had had enough. "Have you ever heard that curiosity killed the cat?" asked the mom. "No," replied the girl. "There was once a cat who was very inquisitive. One day, this cat looked into a big whole, fell in, and died!" The little girl just stood there quietly, deep in her own thoughts. There was a pause. "So what was in the hole?"

Your bedroom isn't cluttered; it's "passage-restrictive." Kids don't get in trouble anymore. They merely hit "social speed bumps." You're not having a bad hair day; you're suffering from "rebellious follicle syndrome." No one's tall anymore. They're "vertically enhanced." You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective." You don't talk a lot. You're just "abundantly verbal." It's not called gossip anymore. It's "transmission of near-factual information." The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's "digestively challenged." Your homework isn't missing; it's just having an "out-of-notebook experience." You're not sleeping in class; you're "rationing consciousness." You don't have smelly gym socks; you have "odor-retentive athletic footwear." You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations." You're not being sent to the principal's office. You're "going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building."

At an art gallery, a woman and her 10 year old son were having a tough time choosing between two paintings. They finally chose and went with the autumn themed one. “I see you prefer an autumn scene as opposed to a floral one,” said the gallery owner, who happened to be nearby and witnessed the mother-son interaction. “No,” said the boy. “This painting is wider, so it’ll cover the three holes I put in the wall.”

Two young girls were reading when one girl said to the other, "I'm never having kids." "Why?" said the other. And the girl replied, "Because I heard they take 9 months to download."

Two kids are talking to each other. One says, "I'm really worried. My dad works twelve hours a day to give me a nice home and good food. My mom spends the whole day cleaning and cooking for me. I'm worried sick!" The other kid says, "What have you got to worry about? Sounds to me like you've got it made!" The first kid says, "What if they try to escape?"

The local pastor was making his annual visit and was invited to dinner at the Brown family. As Mr. and Mrs. Brown prepared dinner in the kitchen, the pastor was sitting with their five year old son in living room. The pastor asked the boy what he expected they were going to have for dinner. The boy immediately replied, "goat". Thinking this was rather strange he asked, "What makes you think we are going to have goat for dinner?" The boy replied, "I heard dad tell mom they were having the old goat for dinner tonight."

A priest was walking down the sidewalk and saw a young boy pouring a liquid back and forth between two glasses. When he asked the boy what he was playing with, the boy told him that it was sulfuric acid. Horrified the priest took our his Holy water and offered to exchange with the boy. When the boy said no, the priest tried to convince the boy that the holy water was better by telling him he had just put some of his Holy water on the tummy of a woman and she had passed a baby. The boy said, "That's nothing, I accidentally dropped some of this on the tail of a cat and he passed a bus."

One Spring afternoon, I came home to find two little girls on the steps of my building. Both were crying hard, shedding big tears. Thinking they might be hurt, I dropped my briefcase and quickly went over to them. "Are you all right?" I asked. Still sobbing, one held up her doll. "My baby's arm came off," she said. I took the doll and its disjointed arm. After a little effort and luck, the doll was again whole. "Thank you," came a whisper from the girl as I handed her the doll back. Next, looking into the tearful eyes of her friend, I asked, "And what's the matter with you, young lady?" She wiped her cheeks and said, "Oh I'm okay, I was just helping her cry."

As I was going to visit a friend, I saw my neighbor’s little child at the street corner holding two dollars and crying. I asked him, ”Junior, what is the matter?” He replied, ”My mummy gave me one dollar to buy sugar and one dollar to buy soy milk, and now I can't remember which dollar is for sugar and which dollar is for the milk.”

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons, and proceeded to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" "Eight," the boy replied. The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?" The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those."

A Duke was hunting in the forest with his men-at-arms and servants when he came across a tree. Upon it, archery targets were painted and smack in the middle of each was an arrow. "Who is this incredibly fine archer?" cried the duke. "I must find him!" After continuing through the forest for a few miles he came across a small boy carrying a bow and arrow. Eventually the boy admitted that it was he who shot the arrows plumb in the center of all the targets. "You didn't just walk up to the targets and hammer the arrows into the middle, did you?" asked the duke worriedly. "No my lord. I shot them from a hundred paces. I swear it by all that I hold holy." "That is truly astonishing," said the duke. "I hereby admit you into my service." The boy thanked him profusely. "But I must ask one favor in return," the duke continued. "You must tell me how you came to be such an outstanding shot." "Well," said the boy, "first I fire the arrow at the tree... ...and then I paint the target around it."

My four year old daughter had a terrible case of the flu. She was achy, had a high fever, and was terribly hoarse. After waiting in the waiting room at the doctor’s office for over an hour we were finally admitted to see the Doctor. After the usual routine of listening to her breathing and checking her ears, the Doctor asked my daughter, “So what would you say is bothering you the most?”After a brief pause, my daughter replies, “My little brother Steven, he always breaks my toys.”

A grandma lovingly gives her granddaughter a kiss on the cheek upon seeing her at a family get-together. Afterwards, she noticed the little girl wiping her cheek.“Are you wiping off my kiss?” she asked. “No”, she smartly replied, somewhat embarrassed but quick on her feet, “I’m just rubbing it in!”

The pediatric nurse entered the room, prepared to do the job of giving a shot to a little girl. Upon entering the examining room, little girl starting screaming, “NO! NO! NO!”“Jessica,” her mother scolded her, “that is not polite behavior!” The girl stopped briefly and then continued with her screaming, “NO THANK YOU! NO THANK YOU! NO THANK YOU!”

“Give me a sentence about a public servant,” the teacher instructed her third grade class. “The fireman came down the ladder pregnant,” answered one little girl. “Umm … Do you know what pregnant means?” “Yes,” said the girl. “It means carrying a child.”

Child: Mama, why don't the Berenstain Bears wear shoes? Mother: Because they prefer bear feet.

Halloween. The door bell rings and a man answers it. Here stands this plain but well dressed kid, saying, "Trick or Treat!" The man asks the kid what he is dressed up as. The kid replies, "I'm an IRS agent." Then he takes 40 percent of the man's candy, leaves, and doesn't say thank you.