Jokes

There was a lady going to the bathroom. As she was on her way, 2 students followed her eagerly to ask a question. As she was entering the bathroom one of the students asked her: "Is this your office Ma'am?" She answered: "My office is the other way, this is my other office"

It was this little girl's first day of school and the teacher asked her what her name was and she replied, "Happy Butt." The teacher said, "Honey I don't think that's your name you need to go to the principal's office and get this straightened out." So she went to the principal's office and he asked, "What's your name?" The little girl said, "Happy Butt." The principal called the girl's mother to get this straightened out once and for all. After getting off the phone he looked at the little girl and said, "Honey, your name's is Gladys, not Happy Butt." The girl then exclaimed, "Glad Ass, Happy Butt" what's the difference?

It was the toughest experience of my life. First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis. Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy. These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis. I completely lost my memory for a while. I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastritis, rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis. Realizing that perhaps I might do better with another doctor, I made an appointment at new medical office. The receptionist had me fill out forms that included my medical history. I don't know how I pulled through it. It was the hardest spelling test I've ever had.

There was a kid who wouldn't learn the letters of the alphabet, so his teacher said 'go home, and learn the letters!' He went home and asked his sister "What's the first letter?" She said "Shut up!" Then he asked "what's the second letter?" She was singing along with the radio, so she said "Yeah, yeah, yeah!" Then he went to see his dad, who was watching football, and said "What's the third letter?" His dad said "Go! Go! Go!" "What's the fourth letter?" "64! 64! 64!" Then he went to see his brother, who was watching TV, and said "What's the sixth letter?" His brother ignored him while watching TV and said "na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na BATMAN!" The next day the teacher said. "Okay, what's the first letter?""Shut up!""Are you trying to get in trouble?""Yeah, yeah, yeah!""Do you want to go to the principal's office?""Go! Go! Go!""How many spankings do you want?"64! 64! 64!""Who do you think you are?""na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na BATMAN!"

Ken and Jim were fortunate in that they each had a season ticket to watch The Kansas City Royals. However, they had a friend Ed who would give his right arm for a season ticket. They could not help noticing that there was always an empty seat next to theirs. One day, during a rain delay, Ken and Jim went to the ticket office and asked if they could buy the season ticket for their friend. The man at the window said, "Sorry men, that seat has already been sold." Nevertheless, game after game, it was still empty. Then on Labor day, much to Ken and Jim's amazement, for the first time that season, the seat was full. Jim could not resist asking the newcomer, "Where have you been all season?" "Don't ask," he said. "The wife bought this season ticket back in March, and gave it to me yesterday for a surprise Birthday present."

The basketball coach stormed into the university president's office and demanded a raise right then and there. "Please," protested the college president, "you already make more than the entire History Department." "Yeah, maybe so, but you don't know what I have to put up with," the coach blustered. "Look." He went out into the hall and grabbed a jock who was jogging down the hallway. "Run over to my office and see if I'm there," he ordered. Twenty minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out of breath. "You're not there, sir," he reported. "Oh, I see what you mean," conceded the president, scratching his head. "I would have phoned."

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again. The next day in class, my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now ...

A police car pulled me over near the high school where I teach. As the officer asked for my license and registration, my students began to drive past. Some honked their horns, others hooted, and still others stopped to admonish me for speeding. Finally the officer asked me if I was a teacher at the school, and I told him I was. "I think you've paid your debt to society," he said with a smile, and left without giving me a ticket.

A student burst into his professor’s office and says, "Professor Stigler, I don't believe I deserve this 'F' grade that you've given me!" To which Professor Stigler replied, "I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the University will allow me to award."

Presently, I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles. Therefore, every day I go down on the street and tell the passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel, what I have done the night before and what I will do tomorrow night. Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and me gardening and spending time in my pool. I also listen to their conversations and tell them I love them. And it works! I already have three people following me... two police officers and a psychiatrist!

A bicycle rolls into the doctor's office. It says, “ Doc, you gotta help me! I can’t keep from yawning all day long.” The doctor says, “ Well, I think it’s because you’re too tired.”

I started a new job as a security guard last night. Before my boss left he told me I had to make sure I watched the office all night. I am on season 2 already but I don't know what it has to do with security.

A girl in our office, from South American, is always in a hurry... We call her URGENT-TINA.

Due to budget constraints, the Board of the Daily Planet advised Perry White that he had to let one of his star reporters go. He was really overwhelmed about the magnitude of the decision. "Who should go, Clark or Lois?" He actually did some praying, which he hadn't done for a long time. He asked, "Please. Show me a sign." That afternoon he was doing some shopping at Walmart, and when he went to his car he suddenly saw the answer. The next day he called Clark and Lois into the office and said, "I'm sorry, Lois, but you have to go." After Lois collected her things and left, Clark took Perry aside and asked, "Chief - how did you know which one of us should go?" Perry said, "Well, that turned out to be easier than I thought. While I was parking at Walmart, I looked up and there was the sign: FIRE LANE."

A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

Research shows these are the top US vacation destinations according to occupation: Artists... Painted Desert, Arizona Athletes... Olympia Heights, Florida Candy Makers... Carmel, Indiana College Professors... University City, Missouri Ecologists... Green Bay Wisconsin Firefighters... Smokey Mountains Geologists... Stone Mountain, Georgia Gossip Columnists... Grapevine, Texas Helicopter Pilots... Hoover, Alabama Home Builders... New Castle, Pennsylvania Jewelers... Pearl City, Hawaii Landscapers... Garden City, Michigan Lawyers... Accident, Maryland Loan Officers... Fairbanks, Alaska Lumber Jacks... Thousand Oaks, California Manicurists... Finger Lakes, New York Optometrists... Plainview, New York Pastors... Chapel Hill, North Carolina Pianists... Florida Keys Podiatrists... Arches National Park, Utah Politicians... Dodge City, Kansas Real Estate Salesmen... Loveland, Colorado Refrigerator Repairmen... Chilum, Maryland Retired Army Officers... East Point, Georgia Sailors... Marina, California Sheriffs... Marshalltown, Iowa Tree Trimmers... Long Branch, New Jersey TV Evangelists... Paradise, California

A guy at the office was at the water fountain, when his co-worker asked, "Did you hear about the guy who got run over by a boat in Venice?" "Yeah - he's gondola better place."

"So tell me, Mrs. Smith," asked the interviewer, "have you any other skills you think might be worth mentioning?" "Actually, yes," said the applicant modestly. "Last year I had two short stories published in national magazines, and I finished my novel." "Very impressive," he commented, "but I was thinking of skills you could apply during office hours." Mrs. Smith explained brightly, "Oh, but that was during office hours."

Working at the unemployment office has to be a tense job... For if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day.

A secretary walked into her boss's office and said, "I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you." "Why do you always have to give me bad news?" he complained. "Tell me some good news for once." "Alright, here's some good news," said the secretary. "You're not sterile."

Boss: Congratulations! I'm promoting you to manage our Montreal office! Young man (disappointed): But sir! There's nothing up there but bar girls and hockey players. Boss (now insulted): I'll have you know that MY MOTHER is from Montreal! Young man (thinking fast): No kidding? What hockey team did she play on?

-- A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants. -- Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. -- The more garbage you put up with, the more garbage you are going to get. -- You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard. -- Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day. -- Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other. -- When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves. -- If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it. -- There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office. -- Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there would be so many.

Bob meets Bill at the bar after work and is looking down in the dumps. "What's wrong now Bob," asked Bill. Bob replies, "They called in a management team and gave everyone in the office an aptitude test to see what they were best suited for." "Yeah, so what's the problem with that," asks Bill. Bob sighs, "Well, it seems I'm best suited for unemployment."

Voice mail is my sworn enemy! I have never understood how it works. Finally, I broke down and called the office operator to walk me through it. “I can send you an instruction sheet,” she said. “Great, fax it over.” “Sure,” she said. “But fax it right back. It’s my only copy.”

Having looked the other way for weeks, the boss finally called Smith into his office for a sit-down. “You know, Smith,” he said, “I’ve noticed that every time you have to take your dear old aunt to her doctor’s appointments, there’s a home game over at the stadium.” “Wow, sir. I guess you’re right,” Smith answered. “I didn’t realize it. You don’t think she’s faking it, do you?”

- You've already read the entire Dilbert page-a-day calendar for the year. - You discover that staring at your cubicle wall long enough produces images of Elvis. - You've figured out a way to get Gilligan off the island. - You decide to see how many Mountain Dews you can drink before the inevitable explosion occurs. - People come into your office only to borrow pencils from your ceiling. - No longer content with merely photocopying your rear, you now scan and enhance it with Photoshop. - You now require only a single can of cola to belch the names of all seven Dwarfs. - The 4th Division of Paperclips has overrun the Pushpin Infantry, and General White-Out has called for reinforcements.

My boss called me into his office today. “We both know you’re not the brightest spark here, Simon,” he said, “but over the last 5 years you’ve never been sick or late and I think you deserve a reward. So, how does a brand new car sound?” “Vrooom! Vrooooom!” I replied.

Each year our company holds a training session in the conference room of the same hotel. When we were told we would not be able to reserve our usual location, my secretary, Gail, spent many hours on the phone trying to work out alternative arrangements. Finally, when the details were ironed out, she burst into my office. "Great news, Scott!" she announced. "We’re getting our regular room at the hotel!" All eyes were on Gail and me as she suddenly realized she had interrupted a meeting with co-workers.

A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss were on their way to a lunch meeting. In the cab they found a lamp. The boss rubbed it and a genie appeared. "I'll grant you one wish each," the genie said. Grabbing the lamp from his boss, the eager senior manager shouted, "I want to be on a fast boat in the Bahamas with no worries." And poof, he was gone. The junior manager couldn't keep quiet. He shouted, "I want to be in Miami, with beautiful girls, and food, and cocktails." And poof, he was gone. Finally, it was the boss's' turn. "I want those idiots back in the office after lunch."

One day on his way to work, a man stopped at the cafeteria as it began to rain. Forgetting that he hadn't brought an umbrella, he reached for the nearest one when he got up to leave. "That's my umbrella," a woman immediately scolded. Abashed at his mistake, he left and walked to his office. He was drenched by the time he arrived. Once there, he discovered three umbrellas that he had left in the office over the months, and he decided to bring them home at the end of the day. That afternoon he ran into the same woman who had confronted him earlier. She looked at the umbrellas, then at him, and tartly remarked, "You did real well for yourself today, didn't you?"