Jokes

As the only vegetarian in the family, the mother of the house often gets tired of defending her food choices to other family members. She didn't realize how often the subject is actually discussed until one day, when she picked up her six-year-old, Jordan, from school. His class had made chickens using potatoes and paper feathers. Jordan proudly presented his little project, announcing excitedly, "Mom, we finally have the kind of meat even you can eat!"

"King David used to be a hero of mine, but not anymore," said little Brodie to his mother one Sunday, after church. "Why not, son?" "I learned today that he killed the Jolly Green Giant."

Minnie: Do you know what one burp said to the other burp? Sally: No. What? Minnie: Let's be little stinkers and go out the back way.

The teacher asked her student to write on the chalkboard the number 55. The student asked, "How do I do that?"   Teacher replied, "Write down the number 5, and beside it add another 5."   The student wrote one 5 and stopped. The teacher inquired, "What's wrong?" "I don't know which side to write the other 5?" 

A little boy had been pawing over a stationer's stock of greeting cards for some time when a clerk asked, "Just what is it you're looking for? A birthday greeting, message to a sick friend, anniversary or a congratulations to your mom and dad?" The boy shook his head and answered, "Got anything like a blank report card?"

“Teacher, I ain’t got no pencils,” says little Tom. The teacher corrects him immediately saying, "The correct way to say it is, I don’t have any pencils, he doesn’t have any pencils, or they don’t have any pencils.' Do you understand?" “But teacher..." "Yes, Tommy?" "What happened to all the pencils?”

A rousing game of “Red Light, Green Light” got wild when my toddler yelled “Green Arrow!”

At the Henry Street Hebrew School, Goldplate, the new teacher, finished the day's lesson. It was now time for the usual question period. "Mr. Goldplate," announced little Joey, "there's something' I can't figure out." "What is that Joey?" asked Goldplate. "Well according to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?" "Right." "And the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?" "Er--right." "And the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?" "Again you are right." "And the Children of Israel fought the Egyptians, and the Children of Israel fought the Romans, and the Children of Israel were always doing something' important, right?" "All that is right, too," agreed Goldplate. "So what is your question?" "What I want to know is this," demanded Joey. "What were all the grownups doing?”

Mom: Son, you’re good in math. Now I’m going to ask you a question. Son: Okay, mom. Mom: Your dad gives you 3 apples. Then I give you 4 apples. What’s your answer? Son: Thank you very much?!?!?

A young boy asks his dad, “What is the difference between confident and confidential?” The dad replies, “You are my son, I’m confident about that. But see your friend over there? He is also my son. That’s confidential.”

"When is it bad luck to see a black cat?" "When you're a mouse???"

Grampa (attempting to fix a toy): "Vinnie, give me your free hand." Vinnie: "I don't have free hands, Grampa." Grampa: "Sure you do, Vinnie. Just give me your free hand." Vinnie (exasperated): "I don't HAVE free hands, Grampa! I only have TWO!"

Son: "Mom, do I look like God?" Mom: "No, honey. Why?" Son: "Because everywhere I go, people say, 'Oh God, he is back!'"

Two young boys were out playing. One of them was showing off his new water pistol. "Tell your mom you want one of these too. Then we can shoot water at each other!" he exclaimed. " I don't think so," said the other boy. "My mom says we have hard water!"

A teacher asked her class to write on "What's the bravest thing your dad has done?" A student wrote... "My dad married my mom."

Why did the cat go for a walk on the beach at night on Christmas eve? He wanted to get sandy claw.

A little kid goes grocery shopping with his mother. They separate for a short time. Then, being lost, he says, “Martha! Martha!” Short time later his mother rushes up and hugs him. She says, “Why did you call out Martha, Martha, I am your mother?” The kid says, “There are a lot of mothers in the store, better chance you’re the only Martha.”

Son: "Mom, do fairies fly?" Mom: "Yes honey, they do. Why do you ask?" Kid: "This morning dad told the maid that she looks like Tinkerbell, the fairy. Does that mean she will fly too?" Mom: "Oh yes, she will fly right out of this house!"

"What is the difference between a teacher and a train?" asked the principal. One student raises her hand and replies, "One say, 'Spit out your gum,' and the other says, 'Choo choo choo!'"

Little Susie, a six-year-old, complained, "Mother, I've got a stomach ache." "That's because your stomach is empty," the mother replied. "You would feel better if you had something in it." That afternoon, her father came complaining that he had a severe headache all day. Susie perked up. "That's because it's empty," she said. "You'd feel better if you had something in it."

Teacher: "School starts 8am, young man. Why are you coming in at 8:30am? Student: "Sir, by all means, you can start the class without me. No need to wait."

Teacher to the class: "How can we keep our school clean?" Student: "By staying at home?"

A little boy walks into a phone store and right away sees the new Samsung Galaxy phone that just came out. He walks up to the register and the worker asks, "What can I help you with, young man?" The little boy asks, "Are you the Guardian of the Galaxies?"

What did the Cyclop say to a suspect? "I got my eye on you!"

You know how to tell that the invisible man is lying? Easy. You can see right through him!

The school teacher gave a pupil two apples. One was big the other was small. Then she said: "When your brother comes up and asks you for one of the apples which one are you going to give him?" The student thought about it for a minute then replied: "Are we talking about my little brother or my big brother?"

A three year old and her mother were watching Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs for the first time. The wicked queen appeared, disguised as an old lady selling apples, and this little child was spellbound. Then Snow White took a bite of the poisoned apple and fell to the ground unconscious. As the apple rolled away, the girl spoke up, "See, Mom, she doesn't like the skin either."

Little Susie: Did you know carrots are really good for your eyes? Little Ralph: How do you know that? Little Susie: Well, have you ever seen a rabbit with glasses?

I was six years old when my daddy took me for my first airplane ride. We boarded the plane and I got the window seat. After a short while I turned to daddy and exclaimed, "Daddy! We're so high up all the cars on the freeway down there look like ants." Daddy moved over and looked out the window. After a moment he smiled and said, "Those are ants my dear, we haven't taken off yet."

Six year old daughter: "Do you know what they called Batman and Robin after the Joker ran over them with a steam roller?" Daddy: "No, what?" Six year old daughter: "Flatman and Ribbon."