Jokes

Julia's mother asked her, "Why are you feeding birdseed to the cat?" "Because," Julia answered, "that's where my canary is."

My second grade announced at the dinner table that after school a boy in her class had kissed her. Trying to stay cool her mother asked, "How did that happen?" Our daughter said, "It wasn't easy, I needed three other girls to help hold him on the ground."

When I was eight my Dad was taking me to see a movie. On the way there I asked him if he would buy me some gum. He said, "No, you don't need any." After arriving at the theater and taking ours seats, Dad changed his mind. He told me it would be okay for me to have some gum and he was going to get it. I spoke up and said, "You don't need to buy me gum anymore, Daddy. I found some under the seat."

Why did the little girl stick her thumb in a paint can each time she went outside to help her mom in the garden? She just wanted to have a green thumb like her mother.

A mother walked up to the pharmacist and said, "I would like vitamins for my son." "Vitamin A, B or C?" the pharmacist asked. It doesn't matter," the mother replied. "He can't read yet."

My 5 year old daughter drew a nice picture of a princess and beautiful flowers and sunshine... Then she brought the picture to her daddy and said, "Daddy, this is a picture of you and me... but I don't have time to draw you."

I am constantly drinking Diet Coke. On a rainy day I told my 9 year-old son that I needed an umbrella because I’m made of sugar and will melt in the rain. He said, “You sure it's not artificial sugar?”

Scott: "When I grow up, I'm going to run for Congress!" Billy: "Gee, it's a long way to Washington, Scott, maybe you should start running now."

Dad: "Johnny, go to bed. You're dozing off on the couch..." Little Johnny (opening his eyes): "No dad, I'm not dozing... I'm just blinking reaaaally sloooowly."

Mikey: "I ate a submarine sandwich for lunch and I think I'm going to be sick." Mother: "What makes you say that?" Mikey: "It's starting to surface."

Me: "Say please...." Toddler: ".........." Me: "Say thank you..." Toddler: ".............." Me: (spilling milk) "Ah, crap!" Toddler: "Ah, crap!"

A little girl struggling to complete a problem in class asks her teacher for help. The teacher looks at the page and tells the student, "Do not worry, with all the resources here we can figure it out. The answer is a foot." The girl looks at the page with a confused gaze and says, "But its math class!"

Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? To get to the bottom.

Used to being the center of attention, Robbie was a little more than jealous of his new baby sister. The parents sat him down and said that now that she was getting older, the house was too small and they'd have to move. "It's no use," Robbie said. "She's crawling good now and she'd probably just follow us."

A Sunday school teacher asked little Susie, "Who's your favorite person in the Bible?" Susie said, "King Solomon." "Can you tell us why?" "Because he was so nice to ladies and to animals." "What do you mean?" "He had six hundred wives and three hundred porcupines."

A father and his son were looking at a nativity scene in a London gallery. It was Titian's world-famous painting of the scene at Bethlehem. The boy said, “Dad, why is the baby lying in such a crude cradle in a pile of straw?” "Well, son,” explained the father, “they were poor, and they couldn't afford anything better.” Said the boy, "Then how could they afford to have their picture painted by such an expensive artist?”

A few years ago we were desperately trying to sell our house, which was situated on a busy thoroughfare. Our real estate agent decided to have an open-house nearly every day to promote the sale. We instructed the children not to talk to anyone about the house. One evening a man took our seven-year-old daughter aside and asked if our house had any secrets he should know. Her first reaction was to smile and ignore his question. But he became more persistent and, finally, she confessed there was one secret but she could not tell it to him. "Now we're getting somewhere," he said. "Tell me the secret. I promise I won't tell anyone." She looked him straight in the eye before whispering, "We have monsters in our sewer."

A mother had been dragging her five year old son around the huge grocery store. After nearly 2 hours the little boy exclaimed, "I gotta rest mom, I'm really tired!" "Only a couple more things," she replied. Pointing his finger towards a doorway Timmy shouted, "Look Mom, we could go over there! It says 'Rest Room'!"

How are coffee beans like kids? They're always getting grounded.

Reporter: What made you go out on that dangerous pond ice and risk your life to save a friend? Boy: I had to do it. He had my skates on.

What has ears that can’t hear? Corn.

What has eyes, but can’t see? A potato.

What do you call a can opener that doesn't work? A can't opener.

Mum, there's a man at the door collecting for the Old Folk's Home. Shall I give him Grandma?"

As I left the grocery store, I noticed two little kids, maybe six or seven years old, selling candy bars in front of the store to raise money for their school band. "I'll buy a chocolate bar on one condition," I said to the boys. "You eat it for me." I bought one and handed the candy back to one of the boys. He shook his head. "I can't," he said. "Why not?" Looking me in the eye, he responded gravely, "I'm not supposed to take candy from strangers."

I’m gonna eat Henry. I’m gonna eat Phil. I’m gonna eat Debbie. I’m gonna eat Jill. I’m gonna eat Tommy. And Sue, no surprise. Is it weird that I like to name all my french fries?

Ms. Higgins asked the class, “If you were to choose between fortune & prosperity at one end, and cleverness & intellect on the other, what would be your choice?” John raised his hand and answered, “I would opt for fortune & prosperity.” Mrs. Higgins said, “If I were you, I would choose cleverness and intellect.” John was quick to answer, “Maybe you are right, one chooses what one is deficient in.”

Mrs. Cole, the science teacher, took her students out of school for a social experiment. They arrived at a farmhouse and she placed two buckets in front of a donkey – one filled with water and the other with alcohol. The donkey drank all the water while leaving the alcohol untouched. Mrs. Cole asked the students, “What did you learn from this experiment?” One boy replied, “One who does not drink alcohol is a donkey!”

What did the affectionate crayons say to one another? I LOVE HUE!

My 18-year-old daughter and I were watching TV when a character with my maiden name—Lester Highsmith—was introduced. "I’ve never heard my name on TV before," I said. My daughter was equally surprised. "Your name used to be Lester?"