Jokes

It was the first day of school, after summer vacations and time for me to pick up the children in my school bus and take them home again. After I had made the complete run that afternoon, one little boy remained on the bus. Thinking he had simply missed his stop, I started driving slowly back through the neighborhood and asked him to be sure to let me know if any of the houses or people looked familiar. The boy sat in his seat contentedly and shook his head whenever I asked him if he recognized a person or place. After the second unsuccessful tour of the area, I started back to the school to ask for his address. When we arrived, the child got off the bus and started walking away. "Wait!" I called. "We have to go inside and find out where you live." "I live right there," he said, pointing to a house across the street. "I just always wanted to ride in a school bus."

A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes. Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods. The Game Warden was hot on his heels. After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him. "Let's see your fishin' license!" the Warden gasped. With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license. "Well, son,” said the Game Warden. "You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!" "Yes, sir,” replied the young guy. "But my friend back there, well, he don't have one."

Today my son asked, "Can I have a book mark?" I burst into tears. Eleven years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.

Two little girls were playing together one afternoon in the park when one said, "I wonder what time it is?. "Well, it can't be four o'clock," replied the other with magnificent logic. "How do you know," asked the first girl. "Because my mother said I was to be home by four o'clock and I'm not."

Little Johnny: That knife-throwing act was terrible. I want my money back. Carnival Owner: What was the matter with it? Little Johnny: Call that a knife thrower? He got ten chances and he didn’t even hit that girl once!

A minister, after the Sunday morning service, walked alongside a brook and noticed a young boy fishing. After seeing him catch a number of fish he approached the boy and said, "My boy, don't you know it is not right to be fishing on Sunday? Besides, it is very cruel to insert that sharp hook into that poor beetle." The boy replied, "Oh, say sir, this ain't a beetle. It's an imitation." "Oh I thought it was a real bug." Lifting up a nice string of fish, the boy replies, "So did these suckers!"

I figured that at age seven it was inevitable for my son to begin having doubts about Santa Claus. Sure enough, one day he said, "Mom, I know something about Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy." Taking a deep breath, I asked him, "What is that?" He replied, "They're all nocturnal."

Bob: Last night I put my tooth under my pillow. This morning I found a dime there instead. Joe: When I put mine under my pillow, I got a dollar. Bob: WOW! You must have buck teeth!

Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science. She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. Now it was question time and she asked, "My name begins with the letter 'M' and I pick up things. What am I?" A little boy in the front row said, "You're a mother."

A mother brought her child to school to register him. However, the child was only five and the age required was six. “I think,” the mother said to the principal, “that he can pass the six-year-old test.” “We’ll see,” replied the principal. Then to the child, the principal said, “Son, just say a few words that come to your mind.” “Do you want logically connected sentences,” asked the child, “or purely irrelevant words?”

A small boy stood in front of the shoemaker’s store watching the man at work. “What do you fix shoes with, Mister?” he asked. “Hide,” replied the shoemaker. “What?” asked the boy. “I said hide,” replied the shoemaker impatiently. “What for?” the boy asked. “Hide! The cow’s outside,” the man said. “I don’t care if it is, I’m not afraid of a cow,” the young boy replied.

Hal was home from college for the holidays. He said to his little sister, Sue, ”Would you like me to read you a narrative?” ”What is a narrative?” Sue asked. ”A narrative is a tale,” Hal told her. That night when Sue went to bed, Hal asked, ”Should I extinguish the light, Sue?” Sue asked, “What does extinguish mean?” “Extinguish means to put out,” Hal explained. The next day they were at dinner when their dog made a nuisance of himself. ”Hal,” Sue said, ”would you take the dog by the narrative and extinguish him?”

Two young children stood in front of a mummy case in the museum. On the bottom of the mummy case they noticed ”1286 B.C.”. ”What does that number mean?” asked the first one. The second one thought a moment and said, ”That must be the license plate of the car that hit him.”

This past spring my church was flooded along with other places in the area. On the day back one of the Sunday School teacher decided to have a lesson on Noah and The Ark. She asked the question: "Did you know that all the animals came on the ark in pairs?" After some discussion, the teacher's fears were realizes as Little Johnny was waving his hand to be called on. Little Johnny volunteered, "Teacher, all but the worms! They came on board in the apples."

When a teacher asked my six-year-old nephew why his handwriting wasn't as neat as usual, he responded, "I'm trying a new font."

One summer evening, a 3-year-old came in while his parents were setting the table for supper. Quite surprisingly, he asked if he could help. His mother said, "No, but I appreciate your asking." The child responded, "Well, I appreciate your saying no."

Ten-year-old Tommy greeted his sister's boy friend very enthusiastically, "That harmonica you gave me for my birthday is easily the best present I have ever had!" "I'm glad you liked it," the boyfriend replies. "Oh yeah! Mother gives me a quarter a day not to play it!"

A Sunday School teacher wanted to use squirrels as an example of a diligent work ethic and being prepared. She started the lesson by saying, "I'm going to describe something, and I want you to raise your hand when you know what it is." The children were excited to show her what they knew and leaned forward eagerly. "I'm thinking of something that lives in trees and eats nuts." No hands went up. "It can be gray or brown and it has a long bushy tail." The children looked around the room at each other, but still no one raised a hand. "It chatters and sometimes it flips its tail when it's excited?" Finally one little boy shyly raised his hand. The teacher breathed a sigh of relief and said, "Okay, Michael. What do you think it is?" "Well," said the boy, "I know the answer's supposed to be Jesus, but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me.

The lengthy recital had drawn to a close, ice-cream and cake had been served and the teacher was bidding the students good-bye. One of the little performers had brought her small brother with her. As he was about leave, the teacher beamingly said, "Well Bobby, did you enjoy the recital?" "Yes," answered Bobby, "all but the music."

Little Benny and his daddy were standing in front of the lion's cage at the zoo. Benny's father was explaining how ferocious and strong lions are, and Benny was taking it all in with a serious expression. Daddy," Benny said finally, "if the lion got out of his cage and ate you up..." "Yes, son?" Benny's father said expectantly. Benny continued, "What bus should I take home?

Child: "Mom, can I go out to play?" Mom: "What? With those holes in your pants?" Child: (looking down at his pants) "No, with the kids next door..."

Six-year old Sammy: "Mommy, I want to have a baby..." Mommy: "I'm sorry Sammy, but little boys can't have babies." Sammy: "Oh, okay... in that case, can I have a pony?"

The teacher told her class to copy the math problems she had written on the board and to draw a line between each problem. When she was grading the papers she noticed that little Susie had drawn flowers between the problems. Teacher to Susie: "These are very pretty flowers, but why did you draw them on your math assignment?" Susie: "I had to draw flowers because I don't know how to draw lions."

I came to the realization that my 5 year old was watching too much reality TV when we attended a wedding. As the four bridesmaids walked down the aisle to the altar, he asked, "Is this where the groom picks the one he wants to marry?"

A teacher asks a little boy to define the word fascinate. The little boy says, "I have a blue sweater with nine buttons, but I can only fasten eight."

The Fourth of July weekend was approaching, and Miss Pelham, the nursery school teacher, took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism. "We live in a great country," she announced. "One of the things we should be happy about is, in this country we are all free." Trevor, who was a little boy in her class, came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said loudly, "I'm not free. I'm four!"

At their high school reunion, Sarah and Esther meet up for the first time in fifty years. Sarah begins to tell Esther about her children: "My son is a doctor and he's got four kids. My daughter is married to a lawyer and they have three great kids. So tell me Esther, how about your kids?" Esther replies, "Unfortunately, Morty and I don't have any children and so we have no grandchildren either." Sarah says, "No children and no grandchildren... so tell me, Esther, what do you do for aggravation?"

A little boy visits his farmer grandpa and watches him milk the cows. The next day one of the cows runs away and grandpa is really upset about it. “Don’t worry, Grandpa,” says the boy helpfully, “she can’t have gone very far with an empty tank.”

I was helping out with a tennis camp for little kids. At the beginning, the tennis pro running the event was talking about good sportsmanship. He asked, "Can anyone tell me what a good sport is?" This cute little 5-year-old raised his hand, got called on, and said, "Baseball."

A little girl won two goldfish at a fair. When the family arrived home, her mother asked her what she was going to call them. “I think I’ll call them One and Two,” said the little girl. “They’re unusual names for goldfish. Why have you chosen them?” ”Because if One dies, I’ll still have Two!”