Jokes

A defendant isn’t happy with how things are going in court, so he gives the judge a hard time. Judge: “Where do you work?” Defendant: “Here and there.” Judge: “What do you do for a living?” Defendant: “This and that.” Judge: “Take him away.” Defendant: “Wait! When will I get out?” Judge: “Sooner or later.”

Several women appeared in court, each accusing the others of causing the trouble that they were having in the apartment building where they all lived. The judge, with Solomon-like wisdom decreed, "Okay, I'm ready to hear the evidence...I'll hear the oldest first." The case was dismissed for lack of testimony.

So the Judge asks the Policeman........ So officer what do you think about the man that was shot using a starting pistol ? The Policeman said "I think it was Race related your honour" ;-)

Two small county judges both got arrested for speeding on the same day. Rather than call the state Supreme Court for a visiting judge, each agreed to hear the other's case. The first judge took the bench while the second stood at the defendant's table, and admitted his guilt. The sentencing judge immediately suspended both the fine and costs. They switched places. The second judge admitted that he was speeding, too. Thereupon the first judge immediately fined him $250 and ordered him to pay court costs. The second judge was furious. "I suspended your fine and costs, but you threw the book at me!", he fumed. The first judge looked at him and replied, "This is the second such case we've had in here today. Someone has to get tough about all this speeding!"

Two judges from a small county happen to be stopped for speeding on the same day. They agree that there's no point in calling the state Supreme Court for a visiting judge; they'll just go ahead and hear each other's case. The next morning, one judge takes the bench, the other sits at counsel table. The first judge admits he's guilty, and the second judge suspends the fine and court costs for him. They then switch places, the second judge pleads guilty as well, but the other judge fines him $200 plus all court costs. The second judge is exceedingly upset: "I suspended your fine and costs and you go and give me the maximum!" The first judge responds: "Well, look at the increase we've just had for this crime. SOMEBODY has to do something about it!"

The drunk defendant appears yet again before the tired judge. They both look at each other. The judge speaks first, "You have been constantly appearing before me for the past twenty years." The defendant interrupts the judge, "Can I help it if you can't get promoted?"

The judge was instructing the jury that a witness was not necessarily to be regarded as untruthful because he changed his statement from one which he had previously made to the police. “For example,” he said, “when I entered my chambers today, I was sure I had my gold watch in my pocket. But then I remembered that I left in on my nightstand in my bedroom.” When the judge returned home, his wife asked him, “Why so much urgency for your watch? Isn’t sending three men to get it a bit extreme?” “What?” said the judge, “I didn’t send anyone for my watch, let alone three people; what did you do?” “I gave it to the first one,” said the wife. “He knew exactly where it was.”

Mrs. Swanson declined to serve on the jury because she was not a believer in capital punishment and didn’t want her beliefs to get in the way of the trial. “But, Madam,” said the public defender, who had taken a liking to her kind face and calm demeanor, “this is not a murder trial. It is merely a civil lawsuit being brought by a wife against her husband. He gambled away the fifteen thousand dollars he’d promised to spend on a chinchilla coat for her birthday.” “Hmmm,” reflected Mrs. Swanson. “Okay, I’ll serve, I could be wrong about capital punishment.”

The millionaire was arrested for speeding and brought before the judge in a small community. When the judge offered him the alternative of paying a $10 fine or serving ten days in jail the millionaire decided to take the ten days. “But, my good man, you are wealthy,” said the judge, amazement ringing his face. “Why you should prefer ten days in jail to paying a $10 fine is beyond me.” “It’s like this, Judge,” the man explained. “Our chef left and my wife figures it’ll take that long to find a new one.”

The judge warned the witness, “Do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth?” “I do.” “Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?” “Sure,” said the witness. “My side will win.”

A lawyer who was upset at the verdict that was handed down to his client at the end of the case said. “Your honor with all due respect I accept your ruling. But if it may please the Court sir I'd like to know just WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE!

A pick pocket was pronounced guilty and sentenced to pay a $200 fine by the judge. His defense lawyer, knowing that his client could not pay the fine, pleaded with the judge asking, “Your honor, my client can only afford $50. But if you allow him a few minutes in the crowd…"

Judge: Haven’t I seen you before? Man: Yes, Your Honor. I taught your daughter how to play the drums. Judge: Twenty years!

The judge frowned at the tired robber and said, “then you admit breaking into the same store on three successive nights?” ”Yes, your honor.” “And why was that?” “Because my wife wanted a dress.” The judge check with his records, “But it says here you broke in three nights in a row!” “Yes sir. She made me exchange it two times.”

“What is your occupation?” asked the judge. “I’m a locksmith, your honor.” “And what were you doing in the jeweler’s shop at three in the morning when the police officers entered?’ “ I was making a bolt for the door!”

Heckling in the courtroom had constantly interrupted the trial, and the judge had had enough. “The next person who interrupts the proceeding will be thrown out of my court!” he said severely, at which the defendant yelled, “Hooray!”

“Guilty or not guilty of begging?’ asked the magistrate. “Nearly guilty,” said the beggar. “What do you mean, ‘nearly’ guilty? Asked the puzzled magistrate. “Well, your honor, I asked the lady for twenty-five cents but I didn’t get it.”

At a court date the judge asked, “What makes you think the prisoner was drunk?” “Well, your honor,” replied the arresting officer, “I saw him lift up the manhole cover and walk away with it, and when I asked him what it was for he said, “I want to listen to it on my record player.”

Standing before the judge during an alimony hearing, the man said, “As God is my judge, I do not owe that madwoman money!” The judge calmly replied, “He isn’t. I am. You do.”

Before a burglary trial, the judge explained to the defendant, “You can let me try your case, or you can choose to have a jury of your peers.” The man thought for a moment. “What are peers?” he asked. “They’re people just like you – your equals.” “Forget it,” retorted the defendant. “I don’t want to be tried by a bunch of thieves.”

The lawyer was cross-examining a witness. “Isn’t it true,“ he began, “that you were given $5000.00 to throw this case?” The witness did not answer. Instead, he just stared out the window as though he hadn’t heard the question. The attorney repeated himself, again getting the same reaction, the same no response. Finally, the judge spoke to the witness, “Please answer the question.” “Oh,” said the startled witness, “I'm sorry your honor. I thought he was talking to you.”

What did the judge say when a skunk entered the courtroom? Answer: Odor, Odor in the court!!!

A New Yorker was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard. When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and he would have to return the next day. "What for?!?!?" he snapped at the judge. His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared out loud: "Twenty dollars contempt of court! That's why!" Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented: "That's all right. You don't have to pay now." The young man replied, "I know. But I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."

Insurance Company A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against .... get this .... fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in "a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion. The man sued ... and won!! In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge's ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires." After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company had him arrested... on 24 counts of arson! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one year terms.

Donald: I’d like to tell you a joke about the measles, but I’d better not. Mike: Why not? Donald: You know how those things spread.

A proud father never tired of telling how smart his son Arthur was. “Arthur could recite the Gettysburg Address when he was ten years old. Lincoln didn’t say it until he was fifty!”

Why are ghosts bad at lying? Because you can see right through them.

Because I couldn't unplug the toilet with a plunger, I had to dismantle the entire fixture, no small feat for a non-plumber. Jammed inside the drain was a purple rubber dinosaur, which belonged to my five-year-old son. I painstakingly got all the toilet parts together again, the tank filled, and I flushed it. However, it didn't work much better than before. As I pondered what to do next, my son walked into the bathroom. I pointed to the purple dinosaur I had just dislodged and told him that the toilet still wasn't working. "Did you get the green one, too?" he asked.

Where does a pessimistic space shuttle travel? Through Negative Space.

Where do you take some one who’s been injured in a peek-a-boo accident? To the I-C-U!