Jokes

As a concierge at a posh resort, I was often asked about the ski facilities. One day a couple who had just checked in after a long flight came by and asked me where the lift was. "Go down the hill," I told them, "out the door, past the pool, 200 yards down the block, and you'll see it on your right." Their tired faces suddenly looked even more exhausted, until the man behind them spoke up. "They're from England," he said. "I think they're looking for the elevator."

In 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue........... And in 1495 his luggage and baggage finally arrived.

One Halloween a man was walking down the street and heard a thumping noise behind him. Looking behind him he saw a coffin following him, upright. He was a bit nervous and began walking a little bit faster. The coffin continued, "thumpety thump, thumpety thump". He began running and the coffin kept up and began opening and closing, ""thumpety thump, thumpety thump clap, "thumpety thump, thumpety thump clap". Terrified he ran to his front door, and went inside, slamming the door and locking it. The coffin continued, "thumpety thump, thumpety thump - CRASH" it came right through the door, He ran up the stairs, and right behind him, "thumpety thump, thumpety thump clap, "thumpety thump, thumpety thump clap". He rushed into the bathroom and slammed the door, but the coffin broke through the door - "thumpety thump, thumpety thump crash". Terrified the man grabbed the first thing he could, a bottle of robutusin and threw it - and the coffin stopped!

It's Christmas Eve and mom is busily preparing the last minute decorations in the family room when little Sally asks: "Mom, don't forget to put out the treat for Santa next to the fireplace." The mom thanks Sally and goes to the kitchen for Santa's treat. Later, when putting her to bed Sally says. "Mom, why did you put a can of Slim-fast next to Santa's treat?" Distracted and anxious to get back downstairs to finish the decorations mom replies. "Daddy is on a diet."

Q: What did the ghost say to the doctor? A: I have a boo boo

An Irishman proposed to his girlfriend on Saint Patrick’s Day and gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. On learning it wasn't real she protested vehemently about his cheapness. He explained that in honor of Saint Patrick’s Day, he picked her a sham-rock.

Dracula was on a night out with his buddies and after much intoxication decided to call it a night. On his walk home he took a few back streets to shortcut. Upon walking down one such dark alley he was hit in the back of the head by a sausage roll but after looking around could not see whom the culprit was. Once again, in the next dimly lit passage he felt a chicken wrap splat across his back, thrown from behind, but again the perpetrator had hidden. Finally as Dracula got to his castle gates, he felt a tap on the shoulder... he turned round to a dark figure wielding a sausage on a cocktail stick. No sooner had Dracula spoken than the dark figure plunged the stick into his heart. Falling to the floor, Dracula uttered his last words... "Who are you?"... To which the dark stranger announced.... "I am Buffet the Vampire Slayer"!

What did the turkey say on Thanksgiving? Don't "gobble" me up!

A descendant of Eric The Red, named Rudolf the Red, was arguing with his wife about the weather. His wife thought it was going to be a nice day, and he thought it was going to rain. Finally she asked him, how he was so sure. He smiled at her, and calmly said, "Because Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear." (Rudolf the red-nosed raindeer?)

Q. Why does Santa go down the chimney on Christmas rather than through the door? A. Because it soot’s him!

What kind of make up was the girl wearing on Halloween? Mash-scara!

A man and his wife are sitting at the kitchen table, which is next to the window. The man's name is Rudolph, and since he is Russian, people call him "Rudolph the Red." Rudolph looked out the window and said to his wife, "Oh look honey, it's raining outside." She looks out as well and says, "No, I think that is snow." He looks at her and says, "Rudolph the red knows rain dear."

The older sister asks her younger brother, "What are you giving Mom and Dad for Christmas?" Without missing a beat, the little brother replies, "A list of everything I want."

A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch. The first case involved a man charged with drunk driving who claimed it simply wasn't true. "I'm as sober as you are, your honor," the man claimed. The judge replied, "Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The defendant is sentenced to 30 days."

Judge: "I order you to pay $10,000." Mario: "Why?" Judge: "It’s a fine." Mario: "No itsa not!"

What is the definition of the word 'jury'? Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.

The Judge said to the defendant, "I thought I told you I never wanted to see you in here again?" "Your Honor," the criminal said, "that's what I tried to tell the police but they wouldn't listen."

An attorney called the governor just after midnight, insisting that he talk to him urgently. An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor. "So, what is it?" grumbled the governor. "Judge Jones has just died," said the attorney, "and I want to take his place." The governor replied, "Well, it's okay with me if it's okay with the undertaker."

A man wanted to be dismissed from jury duty, but none of his excuses worked. So on the day of the trial, he asked to approach the bench. "Your Honor," he said, "I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant." "Oh?" the judge asked. "Yes!" the man replied. "I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face, and I thought, 'He's a crook! He's 100% guilty.' So, your Honor, I couldn't possibly be on this jury!" The judge replied, "Get back in the jury box. You are just the kind of juror we are seeking--a good judge of character." The man protested, "How can you say that?" "Because," the judge said, "that man is the defendant's lawyer."

A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined. After the trial he asked the judge, "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?" The judge said that was true. "Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked. The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action. The man turned and looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson."

After a trial had been going on for three days, Harrison, the man accused of committing the crimes, stood up and approached the judge's bench. "Your Honor, I would like to change my plea from 'innocent' to 'guilty' of the charges." The judge angrily banged his fist on the desk. "If you're guilty, why didn't you say so in the first place and save this court a lot of time and inconvenience?" he demanded. Harrison looked up wide-eyed and stated, "Well, when the trial started I thought I was innocent, but that was before I heard all the evidence against me."

A drunk appears in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk, a bit surprised, says, "Okay, let's get started!"

In court, the judge asked the accused, "Did you take Mr. Fred's wallet?" The accused replied, "Yes, yes I did. I didn't want him to shoot himself." Confused by the reply, the judge asks, "Why do you think he'd shoot himself with his wallet?" "Because it was loaded, your honor."

Never judge a girl by her clothes. There may not be enough evidence.

The judge reviews the divorce case very carefully and issues his judgement. "Mr Smith, I am going to give your wife $750 a month." Mr. Smith's replies, "That's very nice of you, judge. And every once in a while I will send her a little extra too."

"You admit having broken into the dress shop two times?" asked the judge. "Yes," answered the suspect. "And what did you steal?" "A dress, your Honor," he replied. "One dress?" echoed the judge. "But you admit breaking in twice!" "Yes, your Honor," sighed the suspect. "I had to exchange it. My wife didn't like the color."

To the irritation of the judge, a man was trying to be excused from jury duty. "Tell me," began the judge, "is there any good reason why you cannot serve as a juror in the trial?" The man replied, "I don't want to be away from my job that long." "Can't they do without you at work?" demanded the judge. "Yes," admitted the juror. "But I don't want them to realize it."

The judge asked the defendant to please stand. "You are charged with cutting down a tree without having permission to do so, using a chain saw." From out in the gallery, a woman shouts, "Lying miser!" "Silence in the court!" the Judge says. He turns to the defendant and says, "You are also charged with cutting a hedge in a protected area using an electric hedge trimmer." "You tightwad!" the same woman in the gallery blurted out. "I said QUIET!" yelled the judge. To the defendant, "You are also charged with using an electric drill outside your house during night hours." "You good for nothing..." the woman from the gallery yelled. The judge thundered at the woman: "If you don't tell me right now the reasons for your outbursts I'll hold you in contempt!" The woman answered, "I've lived beside that man for ten years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one!"

I was just reading that the economy over in New Jersey is so bad, that the Mafia had to lay off three Judges the other day!

In a courtroom, where tensions are high... Judge: Order! Order in the court! Plaintiff: I'll take a ham on rye.