Jokes

Q: What do snowmen like to eat for breakfast? A: Frosted Flakes!

Q: Why does Santa Claus like to go down the chimney? A: Because it soots him!

What does a turkey say the day before Thanksgiving? Anything but gobble, gobble, gobble!

On social media I posted, “If anyone mentions Christmas before Thanksgiving, I'm going to delete them!” The next day, I didn’t have any friends.

All haunted houses are the same. I went to one the other night, and heard the standard screams, shrieks, scary sounds and gotchas. Then I went to another one down the road and it was like "Deja BOO!" all over again.

Marvin has a binging problem which happens to him every year the day after Thanksgiving. "Why must you gorge yourself on leftovers?" his wife asked. "Don't you have any self-control?" "What are you worried about?" Marvin replied. "I can quit cold turkey!"

What do George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common? They were all born on holidays!

The Santa Claus at Macy's decided to retire, so management put out an ad for a new one. After going throught the applications, they picked who they thought would be perfect for the job. Carl was rotund, had a full white beard and a jovial laugh. However, after some time problems arose. Carl would forget to show up for work. Then when he did show up, he would seem disoriented and confused and not remember where he was supposed to be. Other employees would often have to search for him in the store to return him to his post, where children in line would be crying when they didn't see Santa there. "What are we going to do?" asked one manager. "I think we're going to have to hire a new Santa," said another. "This one's a lost clause."

“One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister’s house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store. When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen,and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven. When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird. With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, “Patricia, you’ve cooked a pregnant bird!” At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry. It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

Behold it is written in the book of February. Chapter 14 Verse 1 And it shall come to pass that on val's day, excuses shall arise again: my battery died, my credit got finished, my DP refused to change, my boss selected me for the trip, traffic jams etc... When thou seeth this signs, be calm, fearthou not, keep thy peace and know that verily verily... thou art not thy boo's boo, thou art a side chick. Verse 2 Even when you receive gifts, calls, or were taken out. Remember my dear daughter that all will end on the bed. Verse 3 Blessed is the boy that bothers not himself 4 any girl 4 peace I will grant to him. Verse 4 Hear ye hear ye For girls so love February 14 that they gave their only begotten dignity in exchange for a date, but know ye that who so ever doesn't make that mistake shall not have the fear of 9 month assignment.

Have you ever wondered why the angel sits on top of the tree? Let me tell you the story. One December 23rd, Santa was very busy supervising the elves as they finished making their toys for him to give the children. As the elves finished for the day, Santa pulled the shift leader aside, telling him to make certain the elves rose at 7AM so they could begin loading his sleigh. He went home to have dinner with his wife. After dinner, he told her he was going to bed as tomorrow would be a long day. He asked his wife to wake him at 6AM and have his clothes laid out and his breakfast waiting. Then he goes to bed. He wakes at 8:30AM. He jumps out of bed and rushes around the room the get his clothes. He begins to grow angry as he dresses. When he's dressed, he goes to the kitchen. There is no sign of his wife and no breakfast. Growing more angry, he quickly pours himself a bowl of cereal which he eats as quickly as possible. Leaving the dirty bowl on the table, he goes out to his workshop to find no elves busily loading his sleigh. He stands beside the empty sleigh, trying to get his anger under control when an angel walks up to him, dragging an evergreen tree behind her. Expecting Santa to be his usual jolly self, she asks, "Santa, what do you want me to do with this?

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents the week before Christmas. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs. "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE..." "I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO..." "I PRAY FOR A NEW STEREO..." His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't hard of hearing." The little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"

I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the CRAP out of everyone in the frozen food section. It was awesome!

One year, I decided to buy my wife's mother a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift... The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

Teacher: If today is Christmas Eve, what is the day after Christmas? A student quickly replied, Christmas Adam!

An industrious turkey farmer was always experimenting with breeding to perfect a better turkey. His family was fond of the leg portion for dinner and there were never enough legs for everyone. After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was relating the results of his efforts to his friends at the general store get together. "Well I finally did it! I bred a turkey that has 6 legs!" They all asked the farmer how it tasted. "I don't know" said the farmer. "I never could catch the darn thing!"

Five Ways To Shake Up Thanksgiving 1. During the middle of the meal, turn to mom and say, "See mom, I told you they wouldn't notice that the turkey was four months past its expiration date. You were worried for nothing." 2. When everyone goes around to say what they are thankful for, say, "I'm thankful I didn't get caught" and refuse to say anything more. 3. Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your "shake" back to the table. Announce that it's the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake. 4. Prepare a several hour long speech to give when asked about your thankfulness. If necessary, insist that no one leave or eat until you have finished the speech. 5. Bring a date that only talks about the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms. Request that she bring photos.

The little boy was no more than seven years old. It was time for Church, and he wanted to take his teddy bear, whom he had always called Frank. His parents protested, but he insisted that he had to take Frank, so they finally relented. When the donation baskets were passed, he put the teddy bear in the plate, along with a few coins. Later, when asked about it, he simply said, "Well, the Bible says the wise men brought Jesus the gifts gold, frankincense and myrrh. I didn't have any gold, and I don't know what myrrh is. So I just gave Frank and cents!"

The REAL Night Before Christmas (By Parents) 'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house I searched for the tools to hand to my spouse Instructions were studied and we were inspired, in hopes we could manage "Some Assembly Required." The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds, while Dad and I faced the evening with dread: a kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's townhouse to boot! And now, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot! We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat - let no parts be missing or parts incomplete! Too late for last-minute returns or replacement; if we can't get it right, it goes straight to the basement! When what to my worrying eyes should appear but 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear, With each part numbered and every slot named, so if we failed, only we could be blamed. More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out, all over the carpet they were scattered about. "Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there! Slide on the seats, and staple the stair! Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand." "Honey," said hubby, "you just glued my hand." And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact that all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact to keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night with "assembly required" till morning's first light. We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work, till our eyes, they went blurry; our fingers all hurt. The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin before we attached the last rod and last pin. Then laying the tools away in the chest, we fell into bed for a well-deserved rest. But I said to my husband just before I passed out, "This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt. Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring, and not run to the store for one single thing! We did it! We did it! The toys are all set for the perfect, most magical, Christmas, I bet!" Then off to dreamland and sweet repose I gratefully went, though I suppose there's something to say for those self-deluded- I'd forgotten that BATTERIES are never included!

I once bought my kid a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying “Toys not included.”

59 years ago I got my first picture taken with Santa, just found out it was with Grandma.

My neighbor and I were talking, when he brought up the fact they were going to travel abroad over the holidays to Beijing, China. I said, "Oh that's nice, after the first of the year we too are going to travel." He said, "Oh where are you all going?" I said, "Well we are excited, were going to Walmart to see all the new Chinese products."

Rick, my husband, and I had a hectic holiday schedule encompassing careers, teenagers, shopping, and all the required doings of the season. Running out of time, I got the stationer to print our signature on our Christmas cards, instead of signing each one. Soon we started getting cards from friends signed "The Modest Morrisons," "The Clever Clarks," and "The Successful Smiths." Then it hit me. I had mailed out a hundred cards neatly imprinted with "Happy Holidays from the Rich Armstrongs."

One year, Santa procrastinated too much and had an hour to go over his naughty nice list. He was in a cabin gaining some progress when he heard a knock on his door. "Santa, we need your help in the workshop!" Frustrated, Santa yelled "I'm busy right now, handle it yourselves. I can't afford to be interrupted!" And slammed the door. Not 15 minutes later another knock is heard and his agitation is climbing. He opens the door and yells "What?!" It was Mrs. Claus and she said startled "I brought you some food." His face tuning red, he says "I've got a half hour left to check this list, I can't be interrupted!" He then slammed the door on his wife. He then says "I swear, the next interruption I get I'll just lose it." About 20 minutes passed when he heard a knock at the door. He stormed to the door with a burning hatred when he opened it. It was an angel holding a Christmas tree. "Hey Santa, where do you want the tree?"

Are you sure today isn't Christmas? I just saw a bearded man in a red coat carrying a 70 inch tv out of my neighbors house? Must have been a wrong address?

Santa walks into the psychiatrist's office very upset. "Why Santa," says the psychiatrist,"Why are you here?" "I can't deliver the presents to the children's homes!!!" replies Santa. "Well, what's the problem?" asks the psychiatrist. "I don't know," says Santa, "I get very scared and anxious and just can't go down the chimney. What is it Doctor? "Do you know what's wrong with me?" asks Santa. "Yes," says the psychiatrist,"I know exactly what's wrong with you, Santa. You are suffering from CLAUS-trophia!"

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

One day Dan asks Bob, “So Bob what did you get for Christmas?” Then Bob says to Dan, “Oh see that brand new red Ferrari outside?” Dan says, “OOOOH WOW!!!” Bob says, “Ya, I got the same exact color tie!”

Why is Christmas like a day at the office? Because, you do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.

So every morning a husband would wake up in the morning and pass gas really loud. The wife told him one day if you keep that up you are going fart out your guts. The husband said no way it is impossible. Well this went on for along time. Finally the wife was cooking Thanksgiving dinner and while she was taking all the guts out of the bird she had an Idea. She sneaked in there bedroom and stuffed all the turkey guts in his underwear. The next morning she heard him wake up and fart really loud. After that it was quiet for some time. Then her hubby came down and said, "You where right I did fart out my guts. But thank goodness I was able stuff them all back in!"