Jokes

Travis and McGee met over a beer in the local pub. After a while the subject of sports came up. Travis asked McGee, "Do you play golf?" "Sure," said McGee, "I play well enough to know why they call it 'golf'." Puzzled, Travis asks, "Why do they call it 'golf'?" "Because," replied McGee, "that's the only 4-letter word left!!"

Two men were talking about golf. One of them said, "I shoot in the 70's." The other replied, "That's great!" The first one said, "Yeah, if it gets any cooler than that, I go to the clubhouse."

A young minister and an elderly parishoner were playing golf. The minister's game was off and the old man was beating him badly. At the end of the game, the old man tried to console his minister by saying, "don't worry, Reverend. One of these days you'll be burying me." "Yes," said the minister, "but even then, it will be your hole!"

Two man playing golf were held up by two women playing in front of them. One man said: "I'll walk up to them and tell them to hurry up." When he returned he said: "I have a problem, one of the women is my wife and the other one is my mistress." The second man said: "I'll walk up to them and hurry them up." He came back and said: " We both have the same problem.”

Hawk and Tom were talking in the bar. Hawk said," I just got kicked off the course for breaking 60." Tom looked at him, amazed. " Breaking 60? That's amazing!" Hawk smiled and said," Yeah, I never knew a golf cart could go that fast!"

One day, a grandpa and his grandson go golfing. The young one is really good and the old one is just giving him tips. They are on hole 8 and there is a tree in the way and the grandpa says, "When I was your age, I would hit the ball right over that tree." So, the grandson hits the ball and it bumps against the tree and lands not to far from where it started. "Of course," added the grandpa, "when I was your age, the tree was only 3 feet tall."

Two aliens landed their ship on a golf course and watched a young man golfing. First he hit it into the high grass, mumbling and cursing he retrieved his ball. Then he hit it into the sand bunker shouting curse words he retrieved the ball. Next he hit a perfect hole in one, then the first alien said to the second, "Uh-oh cover your ears he's going to be really mad now"!

Bob and Tom both like to golf. One day Bob went to Tom and said, "Hey look at this great ball!" Tom replied, "What’s so great about it?" Bob said, "Well if you lose it, it will beep until you find it, and if it goes into the water it will float. This ball is impossible to lose!" "Wow!", said Tom, "Where did you get that from?" Bob replied, "I found it."

He who drinks a fifth on the fourth... May not be able to go forth on the fifth!

Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother's Day morning. As she lay there looking forward to being brought breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen. Finally, the children called her to come downstairs. She found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs. "As a surprise for Mother's Day," one explained, "we decided to cook our own breakfast."

How much does Santa pay to park his sleigh? Nothing. It’s on the house.

The pastor of the church was looking over the cradle in the church's soon to be put away nativity scene when he noticed that the baby Jesus was missing from among the figures. Immediately he turned and went outside and saw a little boy with a red wagon. In the wagon was the figure of the little infant Jesus. So he walked up to the boy and said, "Well, where did you get him, my fine friend?" The little boy replied, "I got him from the church." "And why did you take him?" The boy said, "Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to the little Lord Jesus and I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas I would give him a ride around the block in it."

I wondered if I could get my husband to help me address Christmas cards, as I had so much to do. I arranged everything we needed, then hopefully pulled up a chair and said, "Come on, Dear, let's get these out of the way." He glanced at the array on the table, turned away and went into the den, only to return moments later with a high stack of cards, stamped, sealed, and addressed. "They're last year's," he said. "I forgot to mail them. Now let's go out to dinner and relax."

Every December it was the same excruciating tradition. Our family would get up at the crack of dawn, go to a Christmas tree farm and tromp across acres of snow in search of the perfect tree. Hours later our feet would be freezing, but Mom would press on, convinced the tree of her dreams was, "just up ahead." One year I snapped. "Mom, face it. The perfect tree doesn't exist. It's like looking for a man. Just be satisfied if you can find one that isn't dead, doesn't have too many bald spots and is straight."

Two brothers received a sled for Christmas. After they played in the snow for a half-hour, Billy was in tears. Their father said, "John, I told you to let Billy use the sled half the time." John replied, "I did! I used it going down and Billy used it going up!"

How many letters are in the Christmas alphabet? 25... there's no 'L'...

Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings... One by one... As each relative goes home.

Two pumpkins in the pumpkin patch were discussing what they wanted to be for Halloween. One said he wanted to be a Jack-O Lantern, "... but I don't know if I can make the cut."

How do you find the value of taking Yule to the x power? You take the Yule log.

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes... He then said, " You know, one would have been enough."

Why is it always a bad idea to iron a four-leaf clover? Because you should never press your luck.

"That guy was so happy that it's St Patrick's day, that he was literally bouncing off the walls!" "Who was it?" "Rick O'Shea."

A snobby man looked at me at a party and said, "You look poor!" "Well," I clarified, "I've got an outfit for everyday of the week." "Do you really?" he replied. I said, "Yes. It's this one!"

Jack's New Year's Eve party was an annual occurrence with numerous guests arriving. During the evening, a man knocked on the door, was greeted heartily although no one knew who he was, and was led to where the food was, in the kitchen. He sat there happily, chatting away for a couple of hours before it all clicked. "You know," he confided to Jack, "I wasn't even invited to this party. I just came over to tell you that some of your guests' cars are blocking my driveway." He continued, "My wife's been sitting out in the car waiting for me to get them moved, so that we can go out."

Q: What does a ghost call his mom and dad? A: His transparents.

We've just played the Christmas edition of Clue... My wife murdered the Christmas dinner, in the kitchen, with the oven!

Figuring that her 4 year old son Kevin was listening in the next room, Janet decided to tell her husband Don the latest Christmas gift she had bought the boy by spelling out the words "fire truck". Don nodded and said, "I think it would be a great Christmas gift." From the other side of the wall, they heard Kevin yell, "I don't want letters for Christmas!"

My goal for 2019 is to accomplish the goals set in 2018, which I should have done in 2017, because I promised to in 2016 and planned to do in 2015.

I just NEED to vent, I have had enough!!! I'll never help anyone again...EVER!!! The other day it was so cold out that I took a man into my home out of the kindness of my heart. I felt so sorry for him. Poor thing looked about froze out there in the cold. Couldn't even talk or move. But the next morning he had just vanished. Not a word, no goodbye or even a thank you for sheltering him! The last straw was when I realized he had peed all over the living room floor. That's the thanks I get for being good to people??? I want to warn my friends to watch out for this man! He is heavy set, wearing nothing but a hat and scarf, he has a nose that looks like a carrot, two black eyes, and his arms are so skinny they look like sticks! Don't bring him into your house!! He will make a huge mess on the floor and then disappear!

How do you know Santa has to be a man? No woman is going to wear the same outfit year after year.