Jokes

A father saw his son out in the backyard cleaning their homemade swing, a rubber tire hanging by a rope from a tree branch. The son was hosing it down, wiping it off, dusting out the inside. The puzzled father went outside and said, “Son, I thought you were playing on the golf course with your friends this afternoon?” "I was," replied the boy. "But the golf instructor said I needed to improve my swing."

Tommy Bolt, winner of the 1958 US Open, tells the story of an incident he had during one of his golf tournaments. Bolt arrived at the golf course for the tournament and was approached by a youngster, "Mr. Bolt, do you need a caddy, sir?" Bolt went to the caddy master and asked about the youngster. The man said, "He's a real good caddy, knows the course, the greens, and the rules of the game. But he talks a lot." So Bolt went back to the youngster and said, "You can caddy for me on one condition, 'Don't say a word.'" The young man accepted and carried Bolt's bag. The first three rounds went well, and Bolt was in contention in the fourth round, when an errant tee shot landed in the rough. The ball was sitting down in a bad patch of turf, with a difficult shot to the green which was well guarded by water on the right. Bolt asked his caddy, "You think a five iron will do the trick?" The kid shook his head no, but never said a word. "What, you want me to hit a six iron?" Again, the kid shook his head no, but did not speak. Bolt grabbed a six iron and lashed the ball out of the rough and landed on the green, rolling to within three feet of the hole. As they walked to the green, Bolt said, "Aren't you going to say something now, after seeing a shot like that?" His caddy then replied, "Mr. Bolt, that wasn't your ball."

After a particularly poor round, a golfer spotted a lake as he walked despondently up the 18th. He looked at his caddie and said, “I’ve played so badly all day, I think I’m going to drown myself in that lake.” The caddie, quick as a flash, replied, “I’m not sure you could keep your head down that long.”

"Bob, why don't you play golf with John anymore?" asked a friend. "Would you play golf with a guy who moved the ball with his foot when you weren't watching?" Bob asked. "Well, no," admitted the friend. "Neither will John," replied Bob.

Sid and Barney head out for a quick round of golf. Since they are short on time, they decide to play only 9 holes. Sid offers Barney, "Let's say we make the time worth the while, at least for one of us, and spot $5 on the lowest score for the day." Barney agrees and they enjoy a great game. After the 8th hole, Barney is ahead by one stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th. "Help me find my ball, you look over there," he says to Sid. After five minutes, neither has had any luck, and since a lost ball carries a four-point penalty, Barney pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. "I've found my ball!" he announces triumphantly. Sid looks at him forlornly, "After all the years we've been friends, you'd cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?!?" "What do you mean cheat? I found my ball sitting right here!" "And a liar, too!!!" Sid says with amazement. "I've been standing on your golf ball for the last five minutes!"

There was a businesswoman who had just completed a huge development project for an obscenely rich investor. When she was leaving the investor's office he offered her diamonds, rubies and a silver-plated luxury car, but she declined. The investor insisted, so she said that she just started to golf and maybe a set of golf clubs would be nice. A few weeks later she received a message from him: "So far I have bought you three golf clubs. I hope you aren't disappointed that only two of them have swimming pools."

Husband says to his wife, "See you honey, I am off to play Hit and Cuss." "Hit and Cuss? What's that?" she asked. He answered, "Well, some people call it golf."

Golfer: "You must be the world's worst caddy!" Caddy: "No, that would be too much of a coincidence."

Golfers wear two pair of pants. Why? In case they get a hole in one.

One day, these two men we're playing a round of golf. Two women were playing in front of them very slowly. The first guy turns to his friend and says, "Hey, I'm going to to ask those ladies if they mind letting us play ahead." He begins walking over, stops halfway, and returns, saying, "We've got a problem. One of those women is my wife, the other is my mistress." His buddy replies, "That's okay, I'll go talk to them." He walks over and promptly returns. "Well," he says, "looks like we've got the same problem."

Four senior golfers hit the course, some of them with waning enthusiasm for the sport. "These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained. "These fairways seem to be getting longer too," said one of the others. "The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too," said the third senior. After hearing enough from his senior buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said, "Quit your dang complaining and just be thankful we're still on the RIGHT SIDE of the grass!"

Off the seventh tee, Joe sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball. After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an eight iron in hands of a skeleton! Joe immediately called out to his friend, "Jack, I've got trouble down here!" "What's the matter?" Jack asked from the edge of the ravine. "Bring me my wedge," Joe shouted. "You can't get out of here with an eight iron!"

Four old men went into the pro shop after playing 18 holes of golf. The pro asked, "Did you guys have a good game today?" The first old guy said, "Yes, I had three riders today." The second old guy said, "I had the most riders ever. I had five." The third old guy said, "I had 7 riders, the same as last time." The last old man said, "I beat my old record. I had 12 riders today." ' After they went into the locker room, another golfer who had heard the old guys talking about their game went to the pro and said, "I have been playing golf for a long time and thought I knew all the terminology of the game, but what's a rider?" The pro said, "A rider is when you hit the ball far enough to get in the golf cart and ride to it."

Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to be able to break 100 on this course." Caddy: "Try heaven. You've already moved most of the earth."

I like playing golf but it is a hard game to explain. One day I'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit half the traps and miss most of the greens. Then then next day I'll go out and for no reason at all, really stink up the course!

"Do you know why the golf pro tells you to keep your head down while swinging?" "No, why?" "It's so you can't see him laughing."

Robinson Crusoe, the shipwrecked golfer, made the best of his tiny island. When a cruise liner spotted his distress signals and sent a boat to investigate, the landing party was amazed to find a crude but recognizable nine-hole course which the castaway had played with driftwood woods, whalebone and coral putter and balls carved out of pumice stone. "Quite a layout," said the officer in charge of the rescuers. "You're too kind, it's very rough and ready," the goatskin-clad golfer responded. Then he smiled slyly, "I am however, quite proud of the water hazard."

Tiger Woods walks into the Masters lobby and asks for a room. The clerk responds, "I am sorry sir we are booked, but there is a hotel about a 4 iron down the road." Tiger says, "But I'm playing in the Master's tomorrow." The clerk replies again that they are booked, but there is a hotel about a 4 iron down the road. To this Tiger says, "But I am Tiger Woods!" The clerk then says, "Oh! For you it's just a 9 iron then."

What is the difference between golf and politics? In golf, you can’t improve your lie.

I woke up in the hospital emergency ward. The intern came over and asked me if I knew what happen to bring me to the hospital. I explained, "Well, I was playing golf with my wife. I had been having a great game but unfortunately she was not. On the 15th tee I hit a beautiful shot, 270 yards straight down the fairway. My wife steps up and hits a tremendous slice that leaves the course and lands in the pasture out of bounds. We both went looking for the ball. Just as we were about to give up I spotted a glint of white coming from a cow's behind, just under its tail. I lifted the tail to make sure. Then I called to my wife saying, “Here, honey, this looks like yours.” “That was the last thing I remember.”

After the honeymoon, the new wife tells her husband, “I think it’s time for you to stop playing golf. In fact, you might as well sell all of your clubs.” The husband replies, “You’re starting to sound like my ex-wife.” His wife says, “I thought you said you’ve never been married before?” The husband says, “I haven’t.”

Recently I went to a new golf shop in the big city. I shopped and studied and finally selected the new clubs I wanted. As I was checking out and getting ready to pay, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me". Not sure what was going on and not being used to the big city ways, I did as she asked. When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader. I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make their instructions to seniors a little clearer. I still don't think I looked that bad.

Arriving at the 18th hole where a large pond separated the fairway from the green, the foursome was shocked to see a golfer so furious with his game he threw his bag into the water and stormed off to the parking lot. As they approached the green they noticed the man returning to the pond, removing his shoes and fishing for his bag. "Wow," one of the men said, "it seems he has recognized the error of his ways." At that moment the errant golfer found his bag, zipped open the pocket, found his car keys, and then threw the bag back into the water.

Joe says, "How are the golf lessons going Mike?" "Great, I learned I am standing too close to the ball....after I hit it."

Old Joe was playing golf all alone as he stood on the 150 yard, par three, 9th hole. Just as Joe approached the tee a voice from the heavens said, "Joe use a new ball." Joe looked around and not a soul was in view, so he put a brand new ball on the tee. Before he could take his shot the same voice called, "Joe, take a practice swing." Joe obeyed and swung as hard as he could, slightly off balance at the end. The same voice called one last time, "Joe, use an old ball."

Two guys grow up together but after college one moves to Michigan, the other to Florida. They agree to meet every ten years in Vero Beach and play golf. At age 30, they finish their round of golf and go to lunch. “Where you wanna go?” “Hooters.” “Why?” “Well, you know, they got the pretty girls there." “OK.” Ten years later at age 40 they play. “Where you wanna go?” “Hooters. “Why?” “Well, you know, they got cold beer and the big screen TVs and everybody has a little action on the games.” “OK.” Ten years later at age 50 they play. “Where you wanna go?” “Hooters.” “Why?” “The food is pretty good and there is plenty of parking.” ”OK.” At age 60 they play. “Where you wanna go?” “Hooters.” “Why?” “Wings are half price.” “OK” At age 70 they play. “Where you wanna go?” “Hooters.” “Why?” “They have 6 handicapped spaces right by the door.” “OK.” At age 80 they play. “Where you wanna go?” “Hooters.” “Why?” “We’ve never been there before."

There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was not feeling well and could not make it to church to, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course. An angel up above was watching the preacher. He went to God and said, "Look at the preacher. Should we teach him a lesson?" God nodded in agreement. The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup, three hundred and fifty yards away. A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited. The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, "Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to teach him a lesson?" God smiled. "Think about it -- who can he tell?"

A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game. The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green." The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole. "Now what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro. "Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup," the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again. "Oh great! NOW you tell me!" said the beginner.

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course lined with million-dollar houses. On the third tee, the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball. Don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix." The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. All right, let's go up there, apologize, and see how much this is going to cost." They walked up and knocked on the door. A voice said, "Come on in. They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people who broke my window?" "Uh, yeah. Sorry about that," the husband replied. "No, actually, I want to thank you. I'm a genie who was trapped for a thousand years inside that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes -- I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself." "Okay, great!" the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem -- it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife. "I want a house in every country of the world," she said. "Consider it done," the genie replied. "And what's your wish, genie?", the husband said. "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't been with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife." The husband looked at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I can look the other way." The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?" "Thirty-five," she replied. "And he still believes in genies? That's amazing."

The nurse noticed a man in golf attire pacing up and down outside the emergency room where another golfer, who had a golf ball driven down his throat, was being treated by a doctor. "Is he a relative of yours?" the nurse, stepping outside the room, asked the pacing golfer. "No," replied the man. "It's my ball."