Jokes

You are a lousy cook if... Your family automatically heads for the table every time they hear a fire siren. Anyone has ever broken a tooth eating your homemade yogurt. Your kids know what "peas porridge in a pot nine days old" tastes like. Your son goes outside to make mud pies, the rest of the family grabs forks and follows him. Your kids' favorite drink is Alka-Seltzer. You have to buy 25 pounds of dog food twice a week for your toy poodle. Your kids got even with the neighborhood bully by inviting him over for dinner. Your husband refers to the smoke detector as the oven timer. No matter what you do to it the gravy still turns bright purple.

We received the report today that it is no longer necessary to stake tomatoes. Just dissolve a Viagra tablet in the water and they stand up strait and tall!

An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip, but he hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place around where he can get American food. The concierge tells him he's in luck, there's a pizza place that just opened, and they deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, and he goes back to his room and orders a pizza. Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up to the door with the pizza. The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing uncontrollably. He asks the delivery man, "What on earth did you put on this pizza?" The delivery man bows deeply and says, "We put on the pizza what you ordered, pepper only."

Q: What did the potato chip say to the battery? A: If you are eveready I am frito-lay.

What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business!

An angry customer and an apologetic Domino’s Pizza: Customer: Yo, I ordered a Pizza and it came with no toppings on it or anything, Its just plain bread! Domino’s: We’re extremely sorry to hear about this. Customer (minutes later): Never mind, I opened the pizza upside down!

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards." The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is ... an auto parts store?" "No," the cook said. "Three flats tires means three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices crisp bacon." "Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer. The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?" She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up."

My friend was adamant that onions are the only food that can make people cry. So to prove him wrong I smashed a coconut in his face!

I took some friends out to dinner last week, and I noticed a spoon in the shirt pocket of our waiter as he handed us the menus. It seemed a little odd, but I dismissed it as a random thing. Until our busboy came with water & tableware; he too, sported a spoon in his breast pocket. I looked around the room, and all the waiters, waitresses, busboys, etc. had spoons in their pockets. When our waiter returned to take our order, I just had to ask, "Why the spoons?" "Well," he explained, "our parent company recently hired some consulting efficiency experts to review all our procedures, and after months of statistical analyses, they concluded that our patrons drop spoons on the floor 73% more often than any other utensil; at a frequency of 3 spoons per hour per workstation. By preparing all our workers for this contingency in advance, we can cut our trips to the kitchen down and save time...nearly 1.5 extra man-hours per shift." Just as he concluded, a "ch-ching" came from the table behind him, and he quickly replaced a fallen spoon with the one from his pocket. "I'll grab another spoon the next time I'm in the kitchen instead of making a special trip," he proudly explained. I was impressed. "Thanks. I had to ask." "No problem," he answered, then he continued to take our orders. As the members of my dinner party took their turns, my eyes darted back & forth from each person ordering and my menu. That's when, out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a thin, black thread protruding from our waiter's fly. Again, I dismissed it; yet I had to scan the room and, sure enough, there were other waiters and busboys with strings hanging out of their trousers. My curiosity overrode discretion at this point, so before he could leave I had to ask. "Excuse me, but...uh...why, or what...about that string?" "Oh, yeah" he began in a quieter tone. "Not many people are that observant. That same efficiency group found we could save time in the men's room, too." "How's that?" "You see, by tying a string to the end of our, eh, selves, we can pull it out at the urinals literally hands-free and thereby eliminate the need to wash our hands, cutting time spent in the restroom by over 93%!" "Oh, that makes sense," I said, but then thinking through the process, I asked, "Hey, wait a minute. If the string helps you pull it out, how do you get it back in?" "Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the other guys; but I use my spoon."

Nutella: Noun God's favourite spreadable condiment; typically manufactured by pixies in the magical Land of Yum.

Wife: I hate that beggar. Husband: Why? Wife: That rascal, yesterday I gave him food and today he gave me a Cookbook!

Q: Why were the Cocoa Puffs so afraid of their owner? A: They heard that he was a cereal killer.

Q: What do you call a fake noodle? A: An Impasta

Two cannibals are eating a clown, one cannibal looks the other one and says... "Does this meat taste funny to you?"

Where do poor meatballs live? In the spaghetto.

"Make me one with everything," says the Buddhist to the tofu hot dog vendor.Then, after getting his tofu hot dog, the Buddhist hands the vendor a $20 bill.The vendor takes the money and begins helping the next customer.The Buddhist looks puzzled and asks the vendor, "Where is my change?"The vendor replies, "Change comes from within."

Q: Did you hear about the fire in the bakery? A: It burned 20 cakes and 30 loaves of bread, and there were plenty of hot cross buns!

What’s the difference between a golfer and a skydiver? A golfer goes whack and then "Darn!" while a skydiver goes “Darn!” and then whack.

A Golfer walks into the pro shop at the local course and asks the golf pro if they sell ball markers. The golf pro says, "Yes, they are just $1.00 each. " The guy gives the golf pro a dollar and says he'll take one. The golf pro opens the register, puts the dollar in the tray and with a big smile hands the guy a quarter.

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft... Today, it's called golf.

Four golfers were approaching the clubhouse green when they saw two ladies approaching. One golfer commented to another, "Here comes my wife with some old hag she's picked up somewhere." "And here comes mine with another," retorted the other, icily.

Four priests in New York went golfing wearing typical "golfer" outfits. After a while, their caddy asked, "You guys wouldn't be priests by any chance?" "Actually, yes, we are," one cleric replied. "How did you know?" Easy," said the caddy, "I've never seen such bad golf and such clean language."

Morris had been playing golf for years, and he had the finest equipment, but his technique never improved a bit. As his friend watched, he teed up at the first hole and promptly drove a brand-new ball into the woods. On the second hole, he drove another new ball into a lake. On the third, he lost a new ball in another part of the woods. "Why don't you use an old ball?" his friend Sam asked. "I've never had an old ball," Morris said.

The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract's sick-leave provisions. One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, "This man," he announced, "called in sick yesterday!" There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score. The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator. "Wow," he said. "Just think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn't been sick!"

Two friends were playing golf at a foggy par three, and could see the flag, but not the green. Each hit their ball anyway. When they walked to the green, they discovered one about three feet from the cup, while the other somehow had gone directly in. They tried to figure out which ball belonged to who, since they were both using Titleist number threes. Unable to decide, they returned to the Club House and asked the golf pro for a ruling. After hearing their story and congratulating them both on their superb shots under such adverse conditions he asked, "Okay, so who was playing with the yellow ball?"

Arnold Palmer is playing in a big tournament and comes to a par 3 which measures 235 yards. After some deliberation, he takes out his 3 iron and smashes the ball 20 feet over the pin and backs it up to within 3 feet of the hole. A fan in the crowd came up to him and said, "Mr. Palmer, how do you make the ball back up like that with a 3 iron?" Arnold replied, "Do you have a 3 iron?" The fan said, "Yes sir, I do." "How far do you hit it?" "About 160 yards," came the answer. Arnold calmly said, "What the heck do you want it to back up for?"

A lady was taking her first golf lesson. She asked the instructor, "Is the word spelled p-u-t or p-u-t-t?" "P-u-t-t is correct," he replied. "P-u-t means to place something where you want it. P-u-t-t means, merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."

During her physical examination, a doctor asked a retired woman about her physical activity level. The woman said she spent 3 days a week, every week, in the outdoors. "Well, yesterday afternoon was typical; I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through 2 miles of brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I barely avoided stepping on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I went to the bathroom behind some big trees. I ran away from an irate mother bear and then ran away from one angry bull elk. The mental stress of it all left me shattered, so I drank a scotch and three glasses of wine." Amazed by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one heck of an outdoor woman!" "No," the woman replied, "I'm just a really bad golfer!"

A golfer was enduring the most miserable round. Every shot he tried seemed to end in disaster. He and his caddie had trailed in and out of woodland, deep rough, a lake and countless sand traps. On the seventeenth hole he was left with a shot of 180 yards to the green. “Do you think I can get there with a five-iron?” he asked his caddie. The caddie sighed, “Eventually.”

The golfer sliced a ball into a field of chickens, striking one of the hens and killing it instantly. He was understandably upset, and sought out the farmer. “I’m sorry,” he said, “my terrible tee-shot hit one of your hens and killed it. Can I replace the hen?” “I don’t know about that,” replied the farmer, mulling it over. “How many eggs a day do you lay?”