Jokes

My wife and I run a small restaurant where we often name our specials after our employees, dishes like “Sally's Chicken” after our maitre d who gave us the recipe, and “Rod’s Ribs” after a waiter who had his personal style of barbecue. One evening after rereading the menu, I broke with this tradition and changed the description of the special we had named after our chef. Despite her skills and excellent reputation, somehow I didn’t think an entrée named “Salmon Ella” would go over big with our customers.

I tried cooking with wine for the first time. After five glasses, I forgot why I was in the kitchen.

A careful shopper in the fish market asked as to the freshness of the fish she was considering. "Fresh? Why this fish took its last breath just as you entered the market," replied the manager. The shopper, who had done business here before indicated, "And what a breath it has."

Customer in a waterfront restaurant: “Waiter, these are very small oysters!” Waiter: “Yes sir, they are very small.” Customer: “Also, they do not appear to be very fresh!” Waiter with a resourceful response: “Then it’s lucky they’re small, ain’t it sir?”

Customer: "How much is the hamburger steak?" Butcher: "$1.98 cents a pound." Customer: "But at the corner market is is only $0.98 cents a pound." Butcher: "Then you should go there to buy it." Customer: "But they are all out of it." Butcher: " Oh, I see. When we don't have any we sell it for $0.50 cents a pound."

A woman in our diet club was lamenting that she had gained weight. She'd made her family's favorite cake over the weekend, she reported, and they'd eaten half of it at dinner. The next day, she said, she kept staring at the other half, until finally she cut a thin slice for herself. One slice led to another, and soon the whole cake was gone. The woman went on to tell us how upset she was with her lack of willpower, and how she knew her husband would be disappointed. Everyone commiserated, until someone asked what her husband said when he found out. She smiled. "He never found out. I made another cake and ate half!"

Overheard at my local fish market... Fussy Patron: “I don’t like the looks of that codfish.” Market Manager: “Well, if you want looks, why don’t you buy a gold fish?”

Don't eat the French Fish... It's Poisson!!

”Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!” ”Keep it down, sir, or everyone will want one.”

Dance instructor says, "Everyone get in line and we will get started learning the salsa!" Me, hiding a bag of tortilla chips, “I think there’s been a misunderstanding..."

Deciding to eat healthier breakfasts, my brother-in-law declared that oatmeal would now be his cereal of choice. But after eating his first bowl, he told my sister, "I hope I develop a taste for the stuff. It goes down real rough." "Well," she asked, "how long did you cook it?" "You're supposed to cook it?" he said.

I recentally had dinner at a seafood restaurant. Upon being seated the waiter arrives promptly to take my order.  I ask, "Do you have frog legs?"  My waiter answered, "No, that's just the way I walk!"

A six-year-old said grace at family dinner one evening. "Dear God, thank You for the pancakes." When she concluded, her mother asked her why she thanked God for pancakes when they were having chicken-pot-pie. She smiled and said, "I thought I would check to see if He was paying attention."

After ordering a milkshake, a man had to leave his seat in the restaurant to use the rest room. Since he didn't want anyone to take his shake, he took a paper napkin, wrote on it, "The world's strongest weight lifter," and left it under his glass. When he returned from making his call, the glass was empty. Under it was a new napkin with a note that said "Thanks for the treat!" It was signed, "The world's fastest runner."

A good piece of chocolate has about 200 calories. As I enjoy two servings per night and a few more on weekends, I consume 3,500 calories of chocolate in a week, which equals to one pound of weight per week. Therefore, in the last three and a half years, I have had a chocolate caloric intake of about 180 pounds. I only weigh 165 pounds, so without chocolate, I would have wasted away to nothing about three months ago. I owe my life to chocolate!

"Look at this mess!" roared an angry customer at a local cafe, pointing to his squashed doughnut. "It's just as you ordered it, sir," the waitress replied meekly. "What do you mean?" barked the customer. "You told me to bring you coffee and a doughnut and step on it."

”Waiter! What is that bug doing in my salad?” ”Trying to find a way out, sir.”

What kind of pastry needs a thesaurus? Synonym Rolls.

One morning my wife asked our four-year-old son, Jud, what he wanted for breakfast. ”Soup,” he said. “Son, we don’t eat soup for breakfast. We eat soup for lunch. So what would you like for breakfast?” “Lunch,” he replied.

Father: “Son, you’ve been looking skinny lately, you should eat more food.” Son responds swiftly by going to a fast food restaurant, planning to order a hefty amount of food. Son to cashier: “Let me get three double bacon cheeseburgers, two large shakes, and four medium fries.” Cashier: “Will that be all?” Son: “Will that be all? Do you realize how much food I just ordered? First my father thinks I don’t eat enough, now you?” Cashier: “Can I get you anything else today?” Son: “You know this is unbelievable, I’m really making an effort here!” Cashier: “Would you like to see our specials?”

A boy was sitting on a bus and eating one piece of chocolate after the other. A man sat down next to him and said, “Eating so much chocolate isn’t good for you boy.” The boy answered, “My grandfather died when he was 112 years old.” The man asked, “Do you think he lived so long because he was eating lots of chocolate?” The boy answered, “He lived so long because he minded his own business.”

Why is it when I eat a 2 oz chocolate bar, I always gain a pound... But when I choose NOT to eat the same bar, I don't lose a pound???

What flavors of ice cream do you have?" inquired the customer. "Vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate," answered the new waitress in a hoarse whisper. Trying to be sympathetic, the customer asked, "Do you have laryngitis?" "No...." replied the new waitress with some effort, "just...erm.... vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate."

A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £1.50. A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £1.75. A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.50. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean!

An out-of-towner in New York at the height of the tourist season decided to revisit an uptown restaurant he'd enjoyed on a previous trip to the city. Finally catching the eye of an overworked waiter, he said, "You know, it's been over five years since I first came in here." "You'll have to wait your turn, sir," replied the busy waiter. "I can only serve one table at a time.

Do you know why the banana put aloe vera on its sunburn? Because it was peeling.

Customer: "Excuse me waiter, this coffee tastes like mud." Waiter: "Yes sir, it's fresh ground."

Al: This looks like a joke I once told. Bob: You can't see a joke, Al. Al: You can once you get hit with tomatoes.

As I was eating a piece of Christmas chocolate my wife told me about an article she had read about chocolate. Seems that the article indicated that for every piece of chocolate one eats that your life is reduced by 2 minutes. By this standard I figure that I have been dead since 1875.

It was moving day. The previous owners were going to finish moving out that morning, and we were going to start moving in that afternoon. We showed up just as they were finishing up, around lunchtime. The couple was sitting down for a breather before they left. The wife suggested to her husband that they go to McDonald's for lunch. She told us with guilty pleasure, "I know it's not good for me, but I just love burgers and fries." Her husband had a somewhat disgusted look on his face. He told us, in all seriousness, "Not me. I'm a meat and potatoes man."