Jokes

How does a farmer patch his pants? He uses a Cabbage Patch!

A driver pulled up beside a rundown farmhouse. He got out and knocked at the door. A very old woman answered the door, and he asked her for directions. "Don't know how to get there," the woman said. He got back in his car and pulled away. Then he heard voices. He looked in his rearview mirror and saw the woman and an equally old man waving for him to come back. So he made a U-turn and drove up to them. "This is my husband," the old woman said. "He doesn't know how to get there either."

What did the farmer say when he couldn't find his tractor? "Where's my tractor?" [What? What else was he going to say?]

A man traveling down a country road was forced to stop before a giant puddle covering the entire road. Looking to the side of the road, the man noticed a farmer leaning on a fence. "Think it's safe to cross?" the man asked. "I reckon so," replied the farmer. The car was immediately swallowed by the puddle as the man drove in. In fact, it was so deep that he had to roll his window down to swim out of his car back to the surface. As his head broke the surface the man said to the farmer, "I thought you said I could safely drive through this puddle!" "Well, golly," said the farmer, scratching his head. "It only come up chest-high on my ducks!"

Camper: "Look at that bunch of cows." Farmer: "Not bunch, herd." Camper: "Heard what?" Farmer: "Of cows." Camper: "Sure I've heard of cows." Farmer: "No, I mean a cowherd." Camper: "So what if they heard? I have no secrets from cows!"

A farmer is walking with a prospective buyer when they see a beautiful pig in the yard, except it has a wooden leg. The buyer asks, "Why the wooden leg?" The farmer replies, "That pig is so smart, I let it drive the kids to school." "Great, but why the wooden leg?" "The pig is so smart it has a degree in horticulture and philosophy." "Amazing! But why the bloody wooden leg?" "Well when you have a pig that smart, you don't eat it all at once!"

A man answered a knock on his door one morning. An electric company worker handed him a piece of paper stating that the electric company would like to run a power line through his pasture. The man said, "No." "Legally, that paper says we can." replied the worker. As the worker turned and left returning to his co-workers in the field, the man went to his barn and turned his bull loose into the pasture. As the bull rumbled toward the workers in the field, the man hollered, "Show HIM your paper!"

A farmer was walking in his field. He heard 2 potatoes say, "I only have eyes for you." The corn plants said, "I have ears and I can hear you." The potato said, "Don't worry, the daisies won't tell!" And through the grape vine they all heard a voice say, "Oh, 'peas' be quiet, I am trying to sleep."

Why did the farmer feed his pigs sugar and vinegar ? He wanted sweet and sour pork!

What does a farmer say when he is looking for his tractor? "Where's my tractor?" [What else would he say???]

I was raised on a farm. One night while walking down a dirt, country path, a man jumped out of the bushes, hit me on the head with a bottle of milk, a dozen eggs, and a churn full of butter. How Dairy He!

A man owned a small ranch in Montana. The Montana Work Force Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him. "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent. "Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years.. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally." "That's the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit," says the agent. "That would be me," replied the Rancher.

What kind of horse comes out only after night? A night-mare!

A farmer and his wife got into a huge fight after which the wife stormed off. The farmer says, "Where did you leave the tractor?" The wife replies, "In the Mill field." But there's no way into the Mill field!" "There is now."

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer said he had buried them. The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Were they ALL dead?" The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."

An old farmer wanted a loan for $500. He approached his local banker. "What have you got for collateral?" queried the banker, going strictly by the book. "Don't know what collateral means." "Well that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan. Have you got any vehicles?" "Yes, I have a 1979 pickup." The banker shook his head, "How about livestock?" "Yes, I have a horse." "How old is it?" "I don't know; it has no teeth." Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan. Several weeks later the man was back in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills, "Here's the money to pay loan," he said, handing the entire amount including interest. "What are you going to do with the rest of that money?" "Put it in my pocket." "Why don't you deposit it in my bank?" he asked. "I don't know what deposit means." "Well, you put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it." The man leaned across the desk, looking suspiciously at the banker, and asked, "What you got for collateral?"

TO MY WIFE: My overdraft at the bank. Maybe she can explain it. TO MY BANKER: My soul. He has the mortgage on it anyway. TO MY NEIGHBOR: My clown suit. He'll need it if he continues to farm as he has in the past. TO THE ASCS: My grain bin. I was planning to let them take it next year anyway. TO THE FARM ADVISER: 50 bushels of corn to see if he can hit the market. I never did. TO THE JUNK MAN: All my machinery. He's had his eye on it for years. TO MY UNDERTAKER: A special request. I want six implement and fertilizer dealers for my pallbearers. They're used to carrying me. TO THE WEATHERMAN: Rain, sleet and snow for the funeral please. No sense having good weather now. TO THE GRAVEDIGGER: Don't bother. The hole I'm in should be big enough. TO THE MONUMENT MAKER: For the epitaph: "Here lies a farmer who has now properly assumed all of his obligations."

Why shouldn't you tell a secret on a farm? Because the potatoes have eyes, the corn has ears, and the beans stalk.

A farmer and his recently hired hand were eating an early breakfast of biscuits and gravy, scrambled eggs, bacon and coffee that the farmer's wife had prepared for them. Thinking of all the work they had to get done that day, the farmer told the hired man he might as well go ahead and eat his lunch too. The hired man didn't say a word, but filled his plate a second time and proceeded to eat. After awhile the farmer said, "We've got so much work to do today, you might as well eat your supper now too." Again, the hired man didn't respond but refilled his plate a third time and continued to eat. Finally, after eating his third plate of food, the hired man pushed back his chair and began to take off his shoes. "What are you doing"? the farmer asked. The hired man replied, "I don't work after supper."

A farmer lived on a quiet rural highway. But a new expressway bypass meant an alarming increase in traffic. In fact, it was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three a day. So he called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens." So the next day the sheriff went out and put up a sign that read "SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING" Three days later the farmer called again and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The School Crossing sign seems to make them go faster." So, again, the sheriff went out and put up a new sign "SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY" No good. So the farmer calls again...and again, every day for three weeks, but the sheriff just doesn't have time to put up signs every week. Finally, the farmer calls and says he’s taken care of the problem. The sheriff is curious to see how. So he drives out to the farmer's house, and there on the edge of the road he sees a new sign. It's a whole sheet of plywood. And written in large yellow letters are the words "SLOW: NUDIST COLONY"

Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys, back on the ranch, about his first visit to a big-city church. "When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral," Joe began. "You mean the parking lot," interrupted Charlie, a more worldly fellow. "I walked up the trail to the gate," Joe continued. "The sidewalk to the door," Charlie corrected him. "Inside the door, I was met by this dude," Joe went on. "That would be the usher," Charlie explained. "Well, the usher led me down the chute," Joe said. "You mean the aisle," Charlie said. "Then he led me to a stall and told me to sit there," Joe continued. "Pew," Charlie retorted. "Yeah," recalled Joe. "That's what that pretty lady said when I sat down beside her."

One cold December day, a French tourist in Scotland stopped at a farm cottage. He told the farmer's wife he was freezing to death, and was invited to come in and warm himself at the hearth. Once inside the house, he complained of being thirsty. The woman handed him an enormous white crockery mug filled with milk. After taking a big swig, the guest exclaimed, "This is sweet and fresh... you are most generous!" She replied modestly, "It's nothing. My family wouldn't drink that milk because we found a dead rat in it." Sick to his stomach, the Frenchman clapped both hands over his mouth, allowing the huge mug to fall to the floor and shatter on the stone floor. The Scotswoman grabbed her broom, raised it high in the air, brought it down on the visitor's head, and hollered, "Get out, you ungrateful pig! I take you in my home, I let you share my fire, I give you milk to drink... and now you repay my kindness by breaking the children's potty chair!"

One morning farmer Hank is trying to milk the cow but the cow kicks the bucket over, spilling milk everywhere. He sets the bucket back up and again the cow kicks the bucket. This happens 3 more times. After 5 unsuccessful attempts to milk the cow, the farmer comes up with a brilliant idea. Tie the cow's leg to his leg, to prevent the cow from kicking over the bucket. The third time around the barn, farmer Hank knew this was a mistake.

A jogger running down a country road is startled as a horse yells at him, "Hey, come over here buddy!" The jogger is stunned but runs over to the fence where the horse is standing and asks, "Were you talking to me?" The horse replies, "Sure was, man I've got a problem. I won the Kentucky Derby a few years ago and this farmer bought me and now all I do is pull a plow and I'm sick of it. Why don't you run up to the house and offer him $5,000 to buy me. I'll make you some money cause I can still run." The jogger thought to himself,"Boy, a talking horse!" Dollar signs started appearing in his head. So he runs to the house and the old farmer is sitting on the porch. The jogger tells the farmer, "Hey man, I'll give you $5,000 for that old broken down nag you've got in the field." The farmer replies, "Son, you can't believe anything that horse says. He's never even been to Kentucky."

Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. For facilities, they had to use an outhouse. The little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer, cold in the winter and smelled all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the water. One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and pushed. The outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away. That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why. The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it, son?" The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth." The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in that cherry tree at the time."

A farmers wife is cooking. She says "I need a cup of molasses, but I ran out." Farmers runs outside and returns with two dead moles. Wife says, "I said a cup of molasses, not a couple of mole asses!"

A man was on a long walk in the country. He became thirsty so decided to stop at a little cottage and ask for something to drink. The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire. There was a baby pig running around the kitchen, running up to the visitor and giving him a great deal of attention. The visitor commented that he had never seen a pig this friendly. The housewife replied, "Ah, he's not that friendly. That's his bowl you're using."

A Texas rancher, visiting a South Dakota farmer friend, asked him to show him his farm. After seeing the 1,000 acre spread, the Texan bragged that down home he could get into his car, drive all day, and by evening he would not have gotten to the distant point of his ranch. The South Dakotan simply replied, "You know, I had a car like that once."

How did the farmer meet his wife? He tractor down!

There was a farmer who grew watermelons. He was doing pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat his watermelons. After some careful thought, he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. He made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next night, the kids showed up and they saw the sign which read, "Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide." The kids ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the farmer's sign. When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field. He noticed that no watermelons were missing, but the sign next to his read, "Now there are two!"