Jokes

Mother: "I'm afraid our son has decided to take up acting." Father: "What's so bad about that?" Mother: "Well, he's gotten so big that whenever he appears in a play, he crashes right through the floor." Father: "Don't worry about it. It's just a stage he's going through..."

These two guys out hunting find a hole in the woods that's about three feet across, but it's so deep that when they drop a rock, they hear no sound. So they drop a bigger rock, but they still hear nothing. So they go looking for something larger, and they find a railroad tie, haul it over to the hole, and heave it in. It also disappears without a sound. Suddenly a goat comes running up at about sixty miles an hour and dives headfirst into the hole. And there's still no sound. Nothing. Suddenly a farmer appears from the woods and says, "HEY! You fellas seen my goat around here?" And they say, "Well, there was a goat just ran by here real fast and dove into this hole here." "Naw," says the farmer, "that couldn't be my goat. My goat was tied up to a railroad tie."

In a small town, farmers of the community had gotten together to discuss some important issues. About midway through the meeting, a wife of one of the farmers stood up and spoke her peace. When she was done, one of the old farmers stood up and said, "What does she know about anything? I would like to ask her if she knows how many toes a pig has?" Quick as a flash, the woman replied, "Take off your boots sir, and count them yourself!"

“I love my job,” a farmer says out loud. A sheep replies, “Ha! All you do is boss me around all day!” The farmer, clearly upset by this responds, “What did you just say?” The sheep replies, “You herd me!”

A carload of hunters, looking for a place to hunt, pulled into a farmers yard. The driver went up to the farmhouse to ask permission to hunt. The old farmer said, "Sure you can hunt, but would you do me a favor? That old mule standing over there is 20 years old and sick with cancer, but I don't have the heart to kill her. Would you do it for me?" The hunter said, "Sure," and headed for the car. While walking back, however, he decided to pull a trick on his hunting buddies. He got into the car and when they asked if the farmer had said OK, he said "No, we can't hunt here, but I'm going to teach that old cuss a lesson." With that, he rolled down his window, stuck his gun out and blasted the mule. As he exclaimed, "There, that will teach him!" a second shot rang out from the passenger side. And, one of his hunting buddies shouted, "I got the cow!"

A kind farmer told the forlorn lad whose load of hay had overturned in the road, to forget his troubles and come in and have dinner with his family. "There will be time enough to clean up the load after a good meal." The boy demurred; said he didn't think his father would like it. But the farmer persisted and won. After the meal the boy said he felt better and expressed his appreciation for the hospitality. At the same time, he was sure his father would not be happy. "Nonsense!" said the host. "By the way," he added, "Where is your father?" "Under the hay," was the response.

Farmer: "I've arranged my garden so as not to be caught by droughts this summing." Neighbor: "What did you do?" Farmer: "I planted my potatoes and onions in alternate rows. The onions will make the potatoes eyes water and reduce the need for water."

A farmer and his girlfriend were out for a stroll in the fields when they came across a cow and a calf rubbing noses. "Boy," said the farmer, "that sure makes me want to do the same." "Well, go ahead," said his girlfriend, "it's your cow."

An old farmer wins the ten million dollar lottery and is being interviewed. The reporter asked what he is going to do with all the money. "Oh, I reckon the first thing I'll do is go and pay a few bills." "And what about the rest?" the reporter continued. The farmer shrugs. "Well, I guess they'll just have to wait."

A farmer walks into a hardware store and asks for a chainsaw that can cut down 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The farmer is suitably impressed, and buys it. The next day he brings it back, complaining that it would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAY! The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what’s wrong, and the farmer says, “What’s that noise?”

A Texan was visiting a Maine farmer. The Texas rancher was boasting to his host about the size of his ranch. "I can get into my pickup truck and drive all day and still not reach the boundary of my ranch," he bragged. The Mainer shook his head knowingly, and replied, "Aayuhh, I had a truck like that once."

Sign at a Farmers Market: "Eggs so fresh, the hens haven’t missed them yet!"

Little Johnny did not go to school one day. The next day when the teacher asked him why, he said, "Our cow was on heat, so I had to take her to the bull." "Oh I see," said the teacher, "but I'm sure your father could have done that." "No ma'am, he couldn't have," said Johnny, "it has to be the bull"

The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions. "Ever have an accident?" "Nope, nary a one." "None? You've never had any accidents." "Nope. Ain't had one. Never." "Well, you said in this form you were bitten by a snake once. Wouldn't you consider that an accident?" "Heck, no. That dang varmint bit me on purpose."

What did the mother worm say to her son when he was late for dinner? "Where IN Earth have you been?!?!"

How did the girl break up with tractor salesman? She sent him a John Deere letter.

What kinda of egg did the bad chicken lay? A DEVILED EGG!

On the farm where I was raised, home canning was a big thing. Most folks had a garden and ate out of it all summer, the surplus was put up in bottles for the winter. The common saying was: "WE EAT WHAT WE CAN, AND WHAT WE CAN'T, WE CAN."

The farmer's son was returning from the market with the crate of chickens his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst. "Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly, "but I managed to find all twelve of them." "Well, you did real good, son," the farmer beamed, "because you only left with seven."

Farmer to Customer: "Do you know how to tell the difference between a Georgia peach and a Great Northern peach?" Customer: "No." Farmer: "Their accent."

A man came to the farmers market and asked for two carrots. He got two carrots, put them in his ears, and left. The second day he came and did the same thing. The third day he came and the salesman said, "Sorry, we don't have carrots. We only have cucumbers." So the man bought two cucumbers and put one in each of his ears. The salesman had enough and asked, "Hey, how come you put those cucumbers in your ears?" The man replied, "Because you didn't have any carrots."

Scarecrows are always outstanding in their field... But HAY, its in their JEANS!

A Missouri farmer passed away and left 17 mules to his three sons. The instructions left in the will said that the oldest boy was to get one-half, the second oldest one-third, and the youngest one-ninth. The three sons, recognizing the difficulty of dividing 17 mules into these fractions, began to argue. Their uncle heard about the argument, hitched up his mule and drove out to settle the matter. He added his mule to the 17, making 18. The oldest therefore got one-half, or nine, the second oldest got one-third, or six, and the youngest son got one-ninth, or two. Adding up 9, 6 and 2 equals 17. The uncle, having settled the argument, hitched up his mule and drove home.

A city slicker goes to visit his cousin who owns an apple orchard. The cousin takes him out to show him the bountiful crop on the trees. The city slicker sees all the apples and asks, "How many apples grow on trees?" His cousin smiles and says, "All of them."

A bloke on a tractor has just driven past me shouting, “The end of the world is tonight!” I'm not positive, but I think it was Farmer Geddon.

A southern gentleman decided to plant yeast in his fields... He know "the South will rise again!"

Three farmers chat. The first one tells, "I have grown such a big apple that when I put it on a chair, it broke down." The second one says, "I have grown an even bigger apple! When I put it on a table, it broke." The third one says, "I grew an extremely big apple. I put it in a carriage..." The two farmers interrupt, "Did it break???" "No, a worm got out of it and ate the horse!"

Why did the farmer plough his field with a steam roller? Because he wanted to grow mashed potatoes.

There are three farmers who look and sound alike Farmer 1: "What are we doing today?" Farmer 2: "What we do everyday." Farmer 1: "What’s that?" Farmer 2: "Find out what farmer #3 is doing." Farmer 1: "Wait... I thought you were farmer #3?"

An accountant is in a car traveling with a farmer client around his farm. They pass a large group of sheep and the farmer says, "You're pretty good with numbers, Keith. How many sheep do you reckon are in that paddock?" The accountant looks at the sheep for a moment and says, "One thousand, eight hundred and thirty two." The farmer is amazed. "Exactly right," he says. "How did you work that out so fast?" "Easy," says the accountant, "I counted the number of feet and divided by four."