Jokes

To keep her warm, a motorcyclist puts his leather jacket on his girlfriend backwards, so that the collar would cover her face. After they hit a patch of ice, there was a tragic accident. First on the scene was a farmer and his son. Soon a policeman arrives and questions the farmer. "Well, sir, the poor guy down there in the ditch was apparently killed outright. The girl was in pretty good shape till Junior turned her head around."

Q: Why do cows have hooves? A; Because they lactose!

A young man was hitchhiking down south and a farmer driving an old pickup truck stopped to give him a lift. As they were driving, the farmer started bragging about how good the local moonshine whiskey was. The young man told the farmer that he didn’t drink very much, and that moonshine would probably be too strong for his tastes. “Nonsense!” said the farmer. “You gotta try some.” He fished around behind him and finally produced a small jug. “Here,” he said, handing the jar to the lad. “Take a drink!” “Oh, no thanks,” said the young man. “I really don’t think I care for any.” “No, I insist,” pressed the farmer. “Have some.” “No, thanks — really,” said the young man. The farmer wasn’t going to take no for an answer. He stopped the truck and grabbed his shotgun from the rack in back. He pointed the gun at the lad and roared, “I said, take a drink!” “Okay! Okay!” said the young man. He took a few swallows and instantly realized just how powerful the stuff was. His throat muscles tightened, his eyes watered, and he made a choking sound. “What do you think of it?” asked the farmer. “Good, ain’t it?” “Yeah,” gasped the lad, afraid he would be forced to drink more if he disagreed, “I guess so.” Then the farmer handed the young man the shotgun and grinned. “Here! Now, you hold the gun on me and make me drink some!”

A farmer had four female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another Farmer who owned four male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50. The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive thirty miles each to a field in which the pigs could mate. The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 A.M., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle he had, and drove the thirty miles. While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?" The other farmer replied, "If they're lying in the grass in the morning, they're pregnant. If they're in the mud, they're not." The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the Station wagon again and proceeded to try again. This continued each morning for more than a week and the farmers were about worn out. About two weeks later the farmer with the female pigs was too tired to get out of bed. He said to his wife, "Honey, please go look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass." "Neither," replied his wife...."they're all in the station wagon...and one of them is honking the horn.”

Once upon a time, two good ole boys, Curtis & Leroy, saw an ad in the Starkville, MS Daily and bought a mule for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day. The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night." Curtis & Leroy replied, Well, then just give us our money back." The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already." They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule." The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?" Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off." The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!" Leroy said, "We sure can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!" A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked. "What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?" They said, "We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do." Leroy said, "Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $998." The farmer said, "My Lord, didn't anyone complain?" Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back." Curtis and Leroy now work for the government. They're overseeing the Medicare and Social Security Programs.

A farmer has 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster which he would sell. The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem." Well, Randy the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Randy. The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard first giving the rooster a pep talk, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle. Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house, and Randy took off like a shot. -WHAM!- Randy nails every hen in the hen house - three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Randy is in there. Later, the farmer sees Randy after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese! By sunset he sees Randy out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught - worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day, to find Randy dead as a doorknob - stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful - and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself." Randy opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "Shhh, they're getting closer."

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot. One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot. At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men. The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement." "And what about the men?" the minister asked. "They all wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

A farmer was coming home from a hard day’s work, tired, thirsty and almost dehydrated. He stopped at a nearby house and asked for water. A little boy who was home alone offered him lemonade instead of water. The more he drank, the more the boy told him he could have. He asked the boy if he was sure his mother would be pleased that he drank so much. The boy replied, “You can have as much as you want because my dog died in it.” Shocked and angry the man lifted the pitcher intending to use it to hit the boy who then shouted, "Oh no! No! Be careful or you'll break my mother’s bedpan!”

A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor. "Is Fred home"? he asked the woman who answered the door. "Sorry," the woman replied. "Fred's gone for cotton." The next day, the collector tried again. "Is Fred here today"? "No, sir," she said. "I'm afraid Fred has gone for cotton." When he returned the third day, he humphed, "I suppose Fred is gone for cotton again"? "No," the woman answered solemnly. "Fred died yesterday." Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector decided to wait a week and investigate the cemetery himself. But sure enough, there was poor Fred's tombstone, with this inscription: "Gone, but not for cotton."

A farmer was running back home when it started to rain. Then suddently he slipped and fell into a muddy puddle. Suddenly lightning flashed across the sky. The farmer annoyed shouted to the sky saying "First you get me wet. Then you put mud all over my clothes. Now, as if that wasn't enough YOU'RE TAKING A PHOTO OF ME !!!!".

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large". Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows". The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a group of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those"? The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?

There was a farmer who sold a pound of butter to the baker. One day, the baker decided to weigh the butter to see if he was getting a pound, and he found that he was not. This angered him, and he took the farmer to court. ... The judge asked the farmer if he was using any measurement. The farmer replied, "Your Honor, I am primitive. I don't have a proper measurement, but I do have a scale." The judge asked, "Then how do you weigh the butter?" The farmer replied "Your Honor, long before the baker started buying butter from me, I have been buying a pound loaf of bread from him. Every day, when the baker brings the bread, I put it on the scale and give him the same weight in butter. If anyone is to be blamed, it is the baker."

Two brothers, Ralph and Dexter, had the same routine every Sunday morning. They would each grab a 12 pack of their favorite brew and head out for a day of hunting. They had their special field that they went to every time, but for the past few weeks their spot was really slow. They sat in their field for hours without seeing a single bird. They finished their beers and were getting very bored. So they finally decided that it was time to find a new spot. So Ralph and Dexter stumbled through the fields laughing and carrying on until they saw this field behind an old farmhouse just full of geese. The brothers new that they would have to get permission to hunt on this farmer's land so they used paper, rock, scissors to decide who would be the one to ask. Dexter lost and headed up to the house to ask, while Ralph waited behind. When Dexter got up to the house the farmer said it was fine for the boys to hunt, but he had a favor to ask of Dexter before they started hunting. The farmer said, "my prize mare is very ill and must be put down and I don't have the heart to do it. Since you are here do you think that you could do the job for me?" For the opportunity to hunt in the field Dexter said that it would be no problem. So he thanked the farmer and headed to the barn. Ralph came running behind Dexter to see what the farmer had said. Dexter had a pretty good buzz going and thought that he would play a joke on his young, naive little brother and said, "That farmer won't let us hunt in his field so I'm gonna teach him a lesson." "What are ya gonna do Dexter?" asked Ralph. "I'm gonna shoot one of his horses.", Dexter replied. So Dexter walked into the barn, took aim and "BANG", shot the horse. Suddenly Dexter hears a loud "BANG! BANG! "Let's get out of here Dexter!" Ralph Screams. "I just shot two more!"

A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged down. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen in front of them. The young farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free. The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today." The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plow your land? At night?" "No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the water in the hole"

A farmer has three sons. One day, his oldest boy comes to him and pleads with him that he is graduating from school and would really like to get a car. His father says, "Son, come with me." He takes him to the barn and points to the farm tractor and says, "That tractor is needed here on the farm and I promise that as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car." The boy was not too happy but he did understand that situation and said, "Okay, Dad." A week later, his second son (10 years old) approaches him wanting a new two-wheel bicycle. Well, he gets the same excuse ... "as soon as that tractor is paid for..." Shortly, a few days later, son no. 3, his youngest, comes bugging him for a tricycle. Again, 'ol Dad gives him the lecture about the tractor being paid for first. While leaving the barn, the young boy, more than a little disgusted with the whole thing, sees a rooster mating with one of the hens and promptly goes over and kicks the rooster off the hens back, mumbling to himself the whole time. His dad says, "Son, why on earth would you do something like that? He didn't do anything to you to deserve that!" The little boy looks Dad right square in the eye and says, "Hey, nobody rides anything around here until that damn tractor is paid for.

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Willis forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later." "That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to." "Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted. "Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it." After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset." "Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?" "Under the wagon."

A corny talk on the farm... Do you know what the lettuce asked the radish? Let us be best friends? And what did the radish answer? You naughty thing, you make me blush! you make me reddish!

Did you hear about the farmer who wanted to buy a thousand hens, but didn't have the money...so...He put them on a layaway plan!

The farmer met his kin at the railroad station. “Uncle, I’m mighty glad to see you, he greeted. “That crate of chickens you sent me bust open just as I was going to take ‘em out and they ran all over the place. I chase ‘em through my neighbor’s yard and only got back eleven.” “You did okay,” said uncle. “I only sent you six.”

A cocky State Highways employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road." The old farmer said, "OK, but don't go in that field." The Highways employee said, "I have the authority of the State Government to go where I want. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on farm land." So the old farmer went about his farm chores. Later, he heard loud screams and saw the State Highways employee running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets and the bull was gaining on the employee at every step!! The old farmer called out, "Show him your card!!"

Two brothers were raised on a farm, one brother moved to town. Every year, the city brother would come out to visit the farmer brother. Every time he came out, the farmer brother was complaining about his crops. It was too hot or too cold, too wet or too dry, prices were low, the crops looked bad. As the city brother was driving out one year, he noticed the crops looking great. He had the radio on and crops were hitting an all time high. As he got out to the farm, here was the farmer brother sitting in a rocking chair with a grumpy looking on his face. The city brother asked why he was in a bad mood. The crops looked great, the right amount of rain, temp., and prices were setting records highs. The farmer brother said, you know what a crop like this takes out of the soil?

Q:Why did the farmer feed his cow money? A:Because he wanted rich milk

A rancher asked his veterinarian for some free advice. “I have a horse that walks normally sometimes, and sometimes he limps. What shall I do?” The Vet replied, “The next time he walks normally, sell him.”

A Texas Cattle Rancher and an Illinois Farmer were debating on who had the biggest spread of land. The Texas Cattle Rancher said, "I'll tell ya what son, my ranch is so big that I can get in my pickup truck and start out at the western entrance to my ranch and drive straight east all dog-gone day and still not reach the eastern entrance to my ranch". The Illinois Farmer scratched his head and spit out his chewin' tobacco and replied, "Ya know......I used to have an old pickup truck just like that".

A tornado hit a farmhouse just before dawn. It lifted the roof off, picked up the beds on which the farmer and his wife slept, and set them down gently in the next county. The wife began to cry. “Don’t be scared, Susan,” her husband said. “We are not hurt.” Susan continued to cry. “I’m not scared,” she said between sobs. “I’m happy ‘cause this is the first time in 15 years we’ve been out together.

A man traveling through the country stopped at a small roadside fruit stand and bought some apples. When he mentioned they were awfully small, the farmer replied, “Yup” The man took a bite of one of the apples and exclaimed, “Not very flavorful, either.” “That’s right,” said the farmer. “Lucky they’re small, ain’t it?”

A farmer and his wife had just waken up one morning to the crowing of their rooster. While still in bed, the farmer's wife says, "Pa, you know our neighbor Mr. Jones?" "Yes Ma, I reckon I do," replied the sleepy farmer. "Well, every morning before he leaves the house for work, he gives his wife a big ol' kiss. Why don't you ever do that?" The farmer sighed and said, "Well, I reckon I can, but I just don't know her very well."

Q: Why did the farmer receive an award? A: Because he was outstanding in his field (out standing in his field)

Farmer Emmitt had just finished cutting up hog meat when he gave his wife two hams and said, "Cora take these two hams and put them up for hard times." Cora took the hams and put them in the freezer. One week later while Cora was sitting on the porch, an old truck pulled up and a man with an unfamiliar face got out. The man said, "Hello there Cora, how's it going." Cora replied, "Do I know you?" The man said, "You should, I'm very popular around here. They call me Hard Time." Cora jumped up and said, hold on a minute I got a package for you. She ran in the kitchen grabbed the two hams and gave them to the man. The man said well thank you Mrs. Cora that's rather nice of you, then left. A couple of days later Emmitt asked Cora about cooking one of those hams he gave her to put up for hard times. Cora said, "Hard Time done came and got the hams already and it wouldn't be right to ask for one back!

Question: Who takes care of the farm when the farmer is sick? Answer: The pharmacist.